Yester years... gone

Yes I'm tired, I'm cranky, sore and a bit cynical this evening but it's okay. It's not typically my nature to feel so oblique but I think we all have those days. I have been upset lately because I find myself having so many regrets recently about the choices, or rather lack thereof in my former years. You see it wasn't all but 20 some years ago I had considered attending the Hallmark Institute of Photography in Turner Falls, Massachusetts. It was a dream, a dream of doing what I always enjoyed, my 1st love. For so many years I questioned and doubted my ability to do this thing, my vision was so small. It doesn't help that through the years and modernization of digital photography everyone has now declared that they are a photographer. I never technically considered myself a professional at anything... I just did it. I love taking candid portrait's more than anything, posing certainly has never been my thing. Through the years artistic quality prints have become another love, though my favorite thing to do is study people. People doing ordinary things. Watching life unfold through my lens is so incredible. It's exciting, almost like Christmas morning when I can come home and see what amazing scene I've captured. Did I get the smile, the tears, the laughter, the pain in their eye's? Did I pause time in a still frame and capture the moment I envisioned would become a keepsake forever? It's all surreal to me, every time, every shot. Oh I don't know, I'm probably being a little melodramatic. I mean it's nearly 3 am and I'm certainly slow getting to bed this cool September eve/early morn. I can surmise that tomorrow morning sunrise will come and I'll be missing it with a gentle slumber, least till I hear little whispers and I'm hungry coming from the little bugs beside my bed ha ha. Goodnight my princes of Maine and Kings of New England.

weak

Starting a new devotional study with myself has been a good and bad thing. Good in the way that I am getting in the word a lot more these past few days, bad that I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I feel like I need to fix all my issue's at one time. When you're doing a step study you can't jump ahead of the class, you have to stick to the program and only work on 1 thing at a time. That can be difficult for me. I'm trying really hard to understand this concept and to slow down. I didn't derail this train in just 1 day so I'm certainly not going to get it back on track in that amount of time either and if anyone thinks or says they can, they are lying to themselves and you!

There are so many things that I've discovered since starting my Celebrate Recovery group. 1 is that I am powerless without the help of God. I have no control of my eating disorder, habits or self destruction. I cannot do anything to change the way I respond or react to triggers because I am out of control. I have been living in denial, thinking that if I can just do this or do that, if I can just stop eating bad things, get to bed early, stop thinking about that last piece of chocolate or that bottle of coke sitting in the fridge, I'll be okay. Just walk away... you've got this, RIGHT! uh, no... that's not the case at all. I can't have chocolate in the house, I cannot drink coke, AT ALL without wanting more and I really do not have the ability to shut my brain off and get rid of the insomnia-obviously, or I'd be in bed an not up at this insane hour of 4 am.

You cannot find help in those books in the self help section, trust me I know. I have a whole collection that is sitting on my bedroom book stand and the only thing they do is collect dust. I look at magazine's while standing in line at the check out and see this new fad diet that's just come out and it's so amazing and people are losing 100 lbs so it's screaming buy me, buy me and I'll do the work for you, the secret is right inside. Yeah... the only thing that's got me is another pile of dust or magazine's that get thrown in a corner and read over and over again while sitting on the porcelain throne.

What I'm trying to say here I guess is, we all have things we are not in control of but denial, denial is the worst thing ever. As soon as we can say, we have no control and that we are out of control, all else is in vain. Accepting that you have a problem and that you have no chance of succeeding or kicking it on your own is the only way you'll bypass the guilt and shame of keeping it a secret. Give it all away, let God carry that burden for you. I'm pretty sure he wants to heal the weak. He created us and that means he has the ability to fix us. I guess all we really have to do is let him.

His Umbrella

It occurred to me this evening that I miss something. I have been watching Parenthood on Netflix. It's a show about a middle class American family who experiences the struggles of daily life and the extraordinary circumstances that make them not only diverse but an amazing yet complex unit. From the outside one might imagine that they are just like everyone else but as a viewer you can relate to each individual character and feel what they are experiencing. It makes you believe you're stepping into the scene and life of a real family. In all honesty, it's relate-able and feels real so it draws you in. I guess that's what a great writer does. They remove you from your present circumstance and place you directly into the pages of a dynamic plot leaving you asking "what happens next". 

That's where I am right now. I'm in this place that I prayed for so many years of my life. I'm a wife, a mom to my beautiful boys and I feel like God has given me everything that I've prayed for so what comes next? Do I deserve a next? Anything, something bigger than this because this, this is bigger than I could ever even imagine. After trying to get pregnant all those years and then have 2 healthy boys, do I even have the right at 40 years old to be praying for another baby? To want one more child to complete our family? Should I want to foster children that come from an imperfect world with all kinds of baggage brought on by selfish adults and people that abused or neglected the very one's they always said they'd protect? In a perfect world there wouldn't be orphans or widows but alas' this is not a perfect world. It's a fallen one. We are to care for those people right? God tells us to love and protect them, treat them as your own. In that regard family takes on an entirely different meaning if you ask me.

Should you worry about what God calls you to do? I think that he equips you for the job and just expects you to show up and punch in. Sometimes the overtime is mandatory and days are long, breaks short but at the end of the week or month you can see it was worth the effort and you are proud that you took care of things the way God showed you to do. That is amazing, so so amazing to me. If I come to Him with my burden's and my sorrow's, he doesn't turn me away. He lift's me up and says "Let me carry you through the storm". I don't even feel the raindrops under his umbrella because I know he will keep me safe and dry, sheltered in His unfailing love. Take a minute and soak that up... understand that no matter how many times you've given up on yourself or someone else, God never gives up on the one's he loves. Just show up...

pain... eeeeeek

There really isn't a moment lately where I've felt completely, I mean 100% well. I kind of expect that since I'm getting a little older but this feeling, this crippling pain is wearing on me. My joints, muscles, every fiber of my being hurts. It's almost as if touching me is like sticking a hot skillet on my bare skin, I wretch at the very gesture. Sadly the boys tend to be very careful the way they sit on my leg's, the way they hug or grab me because they have gotten so used to me saying, ouch or that hurts... I hate that I can't do normal things like exercise and walk on a daily basis because of the pain. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little hopeless without insurance that this is going to end anytime soon. The insurance the post office offers, well it sucks right now until John gets a career position. Not only does it barely cover necessities, anything serious and forget it, it's mostly out of pocket. Hardly worth the paper it's written on. We were very disappointed but hey, it's kind of expected. The government employee's used to be well take care of but even when John was in the Marine Corp, although most the major medical was covered, there were additional things like dental and vision we had to pay. 

I haven't seen my hematologist for over a year & 1/2 because I have no insurance. Haven't had a treatment since a year ago in March, hence the horrible fibromylgia  flair ups. The overload of iron causes me to have migraine's and muscle, joint and nerve pain when it's high. My treatment's should be free with Central Blood Bank but since my Dr. left the practice I have to see someone else who is unfamiliar with my history and that will require an extensive work up and blood work in order to facilitate the blood bank the necessary treatment plan and schedule for my phlebotomy's. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. The ladies at the clinic keep telling me I have to apply for disability so that I stop going without my treatments but honestly, I'd rather just get some kind of temporary insurance until John's work provides us with better options but time is running out... Hemochromatosis is progressive and without therapeutic treatment's it will kill me eventually. I will suffer from organ failure, the big C or pancreatic issue's, liver failure etc. I cannot put my kids through that. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm at a point where options are limited and I'm going to do something one way or another. I cannot live like this any longer :( 

Lead me...

It always amazes me how quickly time passes when you have so very little to spare. Something always needs done, just one more project, one more commitment or detail needs finalized. Lately I have felt paralyzed with fear because these moments are all so precious, I want to capture each one in still frame and ingrain them in my memory forever. Of coarse that's not possible but the photographer part of me says "Just one last shot", "Get that smile", make it count! The mom part of me just wants to crawl into a corner and cry like the baby I am. I just know that I'm going to be the sobbing mom everyone laughs at during each 1st moment and every last milestone and that's okay, I'm fine with the label. I just want my boys to know always how very proud they make me and how blessed I feel being their mom. 

I think about the memories I treasure now, maybe silly little things, mundane in the big picture but precious, no less, that I have of my own mom. Things that she would do or say, gracious to a fault and beautiful in every way... and I just know that all those moments, all those goofy details she used to fret over, well now I'm the one, I am guilty of the same motherly trait's that she passed on to me. Just knowing that I have a part of her with me in that way makes me smile. My mom took care of everyone and everything. She loved so unconditionally that sometime, no, all the time, I wondered how God ever created someone so perfect, without fault (to me) and angelic in almost every way. Boy did I hit the mom lottery :)

So yes, these days are fading but with each one that passes there is a new adventure just ahead around the corner. I'm certain that I will make mistakes, I will likely make many but I will never, not even for a second, take for granted the amazing life that I've been given and that no matter if I'm here for a day or till I'm 100 years old I will never regret any mistake or decision that has brought me to this point. 

Hope

Occasionally the darkness of our past returns and casts shadows on our present. Demons you thought you slayed return with a vengeance and reek havoc on our souls. I am in a period of drought, a rough patch that feels all to familiar. I did something this past week though, I got help. Sometimes the biggest step is taking the hand of those we trust and allowing them to guide us through the storm, to be our beacon of hope. I went to a support group, a place where other Christians like myself are also struggling with life issues, sometimes very personal or even embarrassing problems. It's a place where you feel safe to talk about these things in confidence without feeling judged. I'm so grateful that I made it through the door, that I didn't run and try to escape. I am thankful that I had support and that I didn't feel alone in this journey. I am hopeful that I will get through this and that someday I will look back with confidence and know that my fears are not bigger than my God. I have secretly, through the years battled with an eating disorder. I wrote in my blog about it when I was in my early 20's. It's important that you understand its not so much about weightloss as it is about control. Bulimia doesn't have a size, it knows no boundaries or have a sexual preference. It affects thousands of normal people, just as other eating disorders. It has taken me many years to understand why I binge and purge. I hate the way it makes me feel. I am trying to confidently move forward with my treatment, to get help before it destroys me. I cannot change the past but I can do better in the future. One day at a time, baby steps baby steps to the elevator...

losing

Do you ever wonder why you even try... Intelligent people would learn by experience, move on and remove the toxic influences from their life. Wouldn't they? What's wrong with me then, why do I continually allow certain people the ability to rip my heart into pieces over and over without consequence? I understand that forgiveness is only meant to be a tool of redemption but in this instance it's more of a crutch and a way of manipulating me into accepting an apology that should end with parting of ways but somehow never does.

All that is within me screams foul play, that there really isn't goodness left in this persons heart. I hear this other (tiny me) saying let's be optimistic, give them one more chance and then it's done. All this person needs to say is 2 little words that I only hear on rare occasions "I'm sorry" and it's red light green light all over again on this insane roller coaster. I hate that I'm such a fool, such a push over. There is little help for one who can't help them self.

So it continues on... The cycle. Nothing gained, only lost because every time I allow this to happen I lose a little piece of me, my dignity and self esteem all fallen. No restoration, only fear. Fear of the fall out. I always experience depression after these episodes because yet again I've done the unthinkable. I've allowed myself to be a pawn, someone's personal door mat. The message I'm sending is loud and clear, I'm an easy target so go ahead pick me and why not? What's stopping them.

moving along...

This past year has been kind of a fog. I'm not quite sure where time went, it passed by so quickly. It's now almost June and it doesn't really seem possible that 6 months of this year are gone already. The boys are getting so big. Ian is 6 and Aevan is 5 but it still feels like they are babies to me. I really never thought time would fly by so quickly, it kind of makes me sad. I wanted to get pregnant again this year. John and I have both decided that if it is going to happen, now is the time. I just turned 40 and never thought that I'd be thinking about having a baby at this age but if I get myself in a position where I'm healthy enough to do so, I will. For the 1st time in a long time I will have health insurance again once John get's through his 90 days of probation at the post office. Having Hailey here with us has made me miss the joys of seeing 1st smiles, 1st steps, 1st kisses... all of those 1st moments are so precious. She really is a joy and Ian and Aevan love when she comes. Of coarse we feel blessed to have the boys but we have always wanted a larger family. Ian and Aevan have both said they want us to have a baby which makes the thought of it even more special. I know they would be wonderful big brothers. Whether or not it happens is in God's hands but I'm hopeful and just the thought of it brings a smile :)

forget about it...

It's May and I can't hardly believe how quickly time is flying this year. I mean every year just seems to come and go in a blink of an eye lately. Before we had kids I never noticed, things seemed to go slower. Now that Ian and Aevan are 5 and 6 years old, I really wish I could slow things down just a little and enjoy it more. We spend so much time on our devices, we don't enjoy the company of our families the way that we used to. Phone's, tablet's, laptop's... all wonderful but we often forget to put them down and when we do, we realize that a whole day has passed us by without spending time with our kids or spouses. What good is that? Life isn't lived behind the screen of these electronic demons. PUT THEM DOWN! Go outside, enjoy the fresh air, chase those butterflies, dance in the rain, splash in the puddle's, let them be little and enjoy the time you have with them. When it's gone you can never ever get it back.

Reflective boo hoo pick me up :)

What an insanely ridiculous start to spring we have had. First the horrible stomach virus that hit at the end of February that pretty much kicked our butts and then March on and off again sickness that got passed around not only our home but our best friend's house also, and then allergy attacks from well, you get my point. Seriously, praying it out... OUT IN THE NAME OF JESUS! I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY HOME, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS and RELATIVES! Nothing but healthy and strong bodies from here on out. Wow, I mean this thing has really weakened us and I'm over it. I want out of this house, I want to spend time with our friends and family again. I want to enjoy a day at the park, go fishing, go for a boat ride or even train ride, anything!

So John hasn't started the post office yet. We've been praying about that because John found out at the end of last week, they lost his paperwork apparently and the copy of his driver's license and social security card. Great, isn't it? His information out there floating around for just anyone to abuse, makes me feel so wonderful about how our government operates. Am I shocked, well not really. Actually not at all. We are so used to that being prior military. Anyways, I'm not complaining because we found out about it and they called today and told him it would only be a couple of day's because they had all the paperwork they needed after John hand delivered them the 2nd time. :) Ironically, John's supervisor from his other job called him after he got the call from them offering him work for this weekend. As grateful as I should be (being the good Christian wife) I did want to string his supervisor up, after all, he did ignore John and not return his call for nearly 2 months even after telling him that he would. Keep in mind that John was their #1 guy, the go to person for every call off, every training, every time they needed someone, they called him. Then when the company John was working the rig project on shut down in the area, that's when they decided to go into hush hush mode. No work, no pay. John collected unemployment while they twiddled their thumbs and played poker with our finances for nearly 6 months. But... DEEP INHALE, I'm trusting God will see us through. He always does, He never gives up, He never run's out on us. We are blessed to have wonderful family and friends who support us through every season of our walk and right now, though I feel we're being stretched a little (yes, just a little) I do realize that this too shall pass. I'm not worrying about today because tomorrow will take care of itself. Here's to a beautiful, stress free and joy filled week. Happy Tuesday everyone. Monday is gone so enjoy it!

Easter Weekend

This has been an incredible weekend. We had a wonderful time celebrating the resurrection of our Savior with good friends. Saturday was the CLC Easter egg hunt at Alameda. Our friends joined us with their 4 kids, after which we went to the Family Christian Book Store in Cranberry, ate lunch together, went to the park and finally to Saturday evening Easter service. We then went back to their house and hung out with them for a couple hours so we were together all day, quite literally. We were planning on doing eggs but somehow the day passed by so quickly that we weren't able to do so. It was a fun time for all of us and I'm glad we were able to spend it together.

This past couple months have been tough fighting off illness and dealing with Amgard screwing John around. They never did start the rig project up again even after they told John several times they were. Mark all the sudden stopped calling or returning messages to John. It's frustrating because John has been an amazing employee for them and now they just blow him off like nothing because they don't have any real work available. I don't understand how they even stay in business at this point, it's crazy. We are anxious for John to start his new position at the post office in Grove City. All he's waiting on at this point is the return of his backround check and drug test screening they did. We're hopeful that he will get his start date by this week. We've had some major answer to prayer and we are very thankful for it.

Promise me you'll Always Be

Most days I walk around pretending that I'm okay. I can put on this wonderful facade like everything is normal, like I don't care but I do. I shouldn't care so much, I shouldn't feel like this but it is what it is. I miss having you in my life, you being here to say hey, lighten up... don't act so serious. This isn't a big deal. Things used to be so different. I was different. It pains me that you are the only one who really ever knew me, you're the only one. I wasn't afraid to be weird with you, I could just be me and you really accepted that and I was enough. The laughter, the smiles we shared... the good times and the bad, we got through them together. There were fights, yes fights over mostly stupid things. I was right and you were wrong, well mostly :) I swore I'd never talk to you again and then BAM, there we were, right back at it... we could never fully disconnect. I miss you so much, so much more than I ever thought possible. You are a part of me that I can never really let go of. No matter, yesterday. Today. Forever. Damn I miss you. Always

New Beginnings

What a wonderful weekend we had. It's been nice to have warmer weather and to actually get outside and enjoy the sunshine for a change. I know that tomorrow it's supposed to be colder but that's okay because its only a hiccup before the sun decides to stick around for spring and summer fun. We had a rough start to this new year. After not being sick for so long, we all passed that horrible virus around for the better part of February and even into March. I was so tired of cleaning up puke and well... potty mishaps. The boys seem to be feeling much better recently and John and I have been getting healthier too. John and I have been struggling with sinus issue's and allergies but I'm hopeful that things will be better as soon as the weather decides to make up its mind. 

We've been so blessed even through the harshest winter in awhile, even with the lack of work and long nights, God has provided and has never failed us. John's unemployment ran out about 3 weeks ago so, right around the time he got interviewed at the post office. We were praying that he would get that job and last week we got the news that he was selected for the position of carrier assistant for Grove City. Up till that point we were still wrestling with the idea of possibly moving back into the Butler area. I'm so glad that we waited for God's response before we made that decision because obviously he has planted us here for a reason. We have made some wonderful new friends/family here and we enjoy being a part of something larger than ourselves. Our group is strong and faithful, we love each other and more importantly God. We met Joe/Christin and their family a few months ago and have since become the best of friends. It's like we've always known each other. Our kids play together so well and I just adore them. 

My Paparazzi business is growing, almost effortlessly. I do work hard at it but the jewelry simply sells itself so that makes it so much easier. I really don't have to talk people into buying, they just do :) I have lot's of interested girls who may start selling under me and am excited to be building my team. I have my 1st vendor event at Moraine on May 16th for the Bark for Life. 

The boys are in the last couple months of their 1st year of homeschool and Ian is beginning to read. They both know their site words well and are learning math, history and science. It's been a tough year without direction or curriculum but we've filled in the gaps well and they seem to be on track. I'm proud of their progress. Next year we are using Sonlight Curriculum. Well I'm exhausted. Time to put this girl to bed.

an overcomer

I love when plans fall into place...  Well not necessarily fall but are deliberately orchestrated by God. His plans always have a design, a purpose to fulfill and lately since I have been placing all my trust in him he has delivered in ways unimaginable. Often at times we want to choose the path our life is headed. We move forward without any thoughts of whether or not we are headed in the right direction. It's in those moments we fail to recognize that we are not in control. Life catches us and brings us down to earth occasionally. A loss, a failure, a heartbreak... Those are the deeper and more significant challenges we face as children of God. Because of sin there is a darker and often depressing force at work. The enemy knows our weaknesses and prey's on us during those time's. If you allow yourself to become a victim and turn your heart away from the Lord you may feel alone but don't give up. You are an overcomer and will pull through it! Do not allow yourself to sink in the quicksand. Take a deep breath and swim to safety, in the arms of your savior "God the Father. Just when you think He is finished you recognize that He's only just begun. Remember:

Philippians 1:6

New International Version (NIV)

6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Praise God!

This post is so not NORMAL, if you're looking for the norm please look away lol!

What a terrifying and horrific day I had today, well yesterday I guess... considering I've yet to make it to bed. I started in the morning early when I decided to do something brave, perhaps stupid even. I decided to try this product that was given to me by an online campaign program where you try what they give you, write personal reviews on it and then report back to them about your experience. Well for the past 3-4 days my allergies were starting to act up pretty badly. I felt as though the pressure inside my head would explode and my brains would splatter out in sporadic patterns (like the so called big bang theory proclaims happened). Okay so not only is that a terrifically disgusting thought but I'm sure it's way out of proportion to what was actually occurring but I won't lie, it's what I was feeling. The mush floating around in the cavity between my ears has taken a sabbatical temporarily so excuse the rash humor and gross interpretation of the event's I'm describing.

I have had sinus infections in the past but this is absolutely the worst case, ever, in my experience, EVER! My eye's hurt, my body aches, my throat is scratchy, everything taste's horrible, I cannot smell (but judging by the rumble in the living room earlier tonight, that may actually be the only upside to this entire event). Go ahead, admit it... YOU LAUGHED OUT LOUD! Oh by the way, did I mention that while I was resting in the office/aka sitting on the porcelain thrown, my youngest came running in and said mommy hurry up, I'm going to poop my pants. Why do children do that? Really? As soon as I decide/well my body decides reject the garbage that I'm feeding it, my offspring come running in and before I can even sigh of relief, they come running in and interrupt that euphoric moment. Come on mom's. I know I'm not alone here.

So this is the day in the life of me. Yes a little melodramatic, chaotic and embarrassing but this is my life. Take it or leave it, I only get one so I may as well sit back, shut up and enjoy the ride. Oh and another achievement of the week, get ready... are you still here? Do you want me to wait while you read through this entire rant again? Okay... here goes. What I was always shown to be thank you in sign language, is actually (let's see how I can put this politely) uh okay, the hand gesture I was giving my friends very young child was "GET OUT OF HERE" and that is as nicely as I can put it. And as I'm saying his name and giving him this obscene gesture, he's running towards me smiling, giggling and giving me a big hug. Now that's love mama! Can't take that away, can ya Dahli Lama HUH! So I'm done. Feel free to block me after this, I understand. Oh and before I forget the dedication of the week goes out to J from L and no... L does not mean what you're thinking. I am not a L O S E R! :) peace

Renewed in His Spirit

I'm feeling confident in God's capable hands recently. I am really looking forward to attending our woman's retreat in a couple of weeks. It's always refreshing and a blessing to so many who attend, including myself. The women who organize it are so amazing and full of love for God and others, you cannot attend it without soaking in His presence. You leave feeling refreshed, renewed in body, mind and spirit. So these next 2 weeks I'm claiming God's healing for my families health, many of whom are dealing with illness's, flu and stomach viruses. I pray restoration, a clear mind and open heart for those who will attend. I pray for the leader's, that God will use them according to his will and that each and every person coming to the retreat will have safe travels. Amen!

Lead Me

I am in one of the strangest seasons of my life this year. I don't mind saying that in the past I have worried... I worried a lot! I had so many fears that it left me feeling crippled both physically and emotionally. Fear and worry are not of God, they are spiritual attacks the devil uses to gain control of our minds and hearts. If you allow them to rule your life you are giving the enemy power over you. That being said, the word God gave me this year for him was "Teacher". At first I wondered what I was going to do with that, what did it mean? Well I thought about last year and he was my "Mighty Tower". All year I had so many issues with my families health, John's job/he was gone so much... I felt alone and afraid, like I wasn't sure I could manage things. God was there with me and showed me that once again I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I made big mistakes last year, horrible mistakes and poor decisions but God loved me through them enough to bring me to a better place. I have been praying for God to give me a sense of direction, to show me what he desires from me and though I'm still nowhere near certain what that will be, I'm certain that in trusting his guidance I will make better decisions and be a better wife and mom because of it. I am allowing myself to be a student this year. His student. He is teaching me through self discipline and being in a student mindset that I am capable of learning and growing not only in my faith but also in character and as a Christian. I have a heart for missions and am coordinating a trip for the Appalachian's but I also want to start the Norma Mae Cares Foundation in memory of my mom, bless her heart. She cared for so many and gave so effortlessly love and food to anyone and everyone who entered our home. I take very seriously the task of caring for the orphans and widows, it's what God commands us to do. So yes, this year will have many challenges but I'm facing them without fear and worry and knowing God will lead me, teach me and love me through this new adventure.

Love One Another

Mommy, mommy, wake up... It's Valentine's Day and I love you! My 6 year old son woke me up with those words this morning and let me just say, I feel blessed! Both of my children say I love you, sometimes 20-30 times a day and it makes my heart smile each and every time! I love my boys immeasurably and I can't imagine my life without the joys of motherhood. Even with the terrible icky parts, it's an awesome job and the pay is priceless! I'm thinking about all of my kiddos today, Tamara, Moises and Cynthia, we miss them dearly. I can only pray that God blesses each of them with the love they deserve. I think about the children of this world that are without parents or family today and it breaks my heart. I cry for the orphans and widows. I am reminded of people, like my mother and grandmother's that gave me unconditional support and love through out my life, I miss them so much. When I envision a world through the eyes of God I imagine people like Mother Theresa, Princess Diana, Papa Joe loving the poor and it gives me hope. This day is more than about loving just your spouse and children. It's about loving perhaps the unloved, the unlovable. I encourage you to do that, show an act of kindness, give the gift of a smile or hug. You may not gain material value but I guarantee your heart will smile and so will God!

Love

In just a couple days John and I will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. Can it even be possible that its been that long? We started dating 21 years ago which means we have been together over 1/2 our life. What an amazing accomplishment! There have been struggles along the way; smiles, disapointments, laughter and tears but through it all one thing remained, our desire to love each other as God instucts us to. He has been my best friend, my comforter, my companion, my lover and provider, even a confidant. I am blessed with his love every day of my life and I thank God for giving me such an amazing man to call my own. We are a work in progress, yes but every day that we are together God is transforming us, molding us by his own design. I'm greatful for our family, our 2 sweet boys and the wonderful people in our lives who love and support us every day. In so many ways you have inspired us to try harder and to push forward during the storms. Every day is a new day, a day to love and we are amazingly blessed to do so.

Super Mom= WOW!

I have a tremendous amount of respect for moms. I remember thinking to myself as a young girl, "my mom is my own personal super hero". This of coarse followed my mom cleaning up vomit, rubbing my back for hours, making me warm jello to drink and kissing my boo boo_'s. Who does that, I mean... who besides your mom? Well these past few days I have even more appreciation for moms everywhere. You are highly underrated, so give yourself a great big pat on the back! Take a few minutes for yourself tonight. Have that cup of tea that's been calling your name for hours, soak your feet with a good book in hand and love yourself enough to appreciate a few minutes of me time because you deserve it!

Lead Me

Have you ever opened your mouth and the words get all jumbled up or what you thought you were going to say came out but just didn't make any sense? I often brainstorm prior to speaking if the response I'm going to give requires deep thought. I'm typically very well versed in terms of speaking about things I'm passionate about but lately I feel like God has been telling me to slow down. The name he has given himself for me this year is "Teacher". I have been doing a tremendous amount of soul searching recently. I've been asking God to reveal my purpose and to show me the areas he'd like me to serve. I've been feeling called for awhile to minister to the lost, the poor and orphaned. I think it's something we've all been commanded to do but for me it goes beyond that. I feel like I've been waiting for my mission, like God has been prepping me for something larger but I just don't know what yet.

When John and I initially started fostering we didn't have children of our own. We decided that while we were waiting on God's perfect timing, we would foster and perhaps later pursue adoption through that avenue if things went well. We got certified as therapeutic foster parents in Virginia which basically meant we were eligible to take on cases that were a little more demanding. Some of the children placed in therapeutic care require much more attention and services than the typical placements. Physically or emotionally, these kids really need a great amount of patience and love. It troubled my heart tremendously what these children endured while in the care of those who claimed to love them. It is difficult bringing a new person into your home, especially so when it's a child who has been hurt, whose scared and not sure what to expect themselves. Everybody walks on eggshells for a little while. There is always a honeymoon period first when you're all on your best behavior, well for the most part *sigh*. After a week or so passes and you become more comfortable with each other, you start to see personality changes, people start being more honest, like and dislikes start to become more obvious. This is when the trials begin.

We faced this again and again with our foster children. It was often a struggle but one thing remained, our desire to help them adjust and to show them love, real love could make a difference. They desired normalcy, something they could count on but every grain within them would fight it, they'd push us away. With every step forward there were 2 steps backwards, this is what became the cycle. It's tiring, you get horribly exhausted and feel like it's never going to end but every once in awhile you'd get a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. It was in those moments I saw God's smile shining through their eyes and it have me hope to continue.

John and I continue to feel God's hand leading us forward to foster more children. I've been reluctant in my spirit because having 2 children of my own the protective side of me is screaming in protest. What will we bring into our home, what struggles will arise, how can I be sure we will be safe... Then I hear God speak softly, "Do you trust me?" Of coarse I do! Well then, what else can I do but proceed and place all of my cares in His hands. My children are compassionate, they are loving. Perhaps through serving the Lord they will show others the love of God. That's our mission, our families calling.

Raise Them Up

I am so thankful this week for my family, my friends and our health. I know so many who are grieving the loss of loved ones and it breaks my heart for them. Sometimes the only thing you can do is pray when there are not enough flowers or words to comfort those who have been left behind. I still recall the numbness of losing my mom, the surreal feeling that it was this crazy dream and that I would somehow wake up and things would be normal again, sadly that never happened.

I do not fear death itself but I do tremble at the thought of leaving behind 2 of the most precious gifts I've ever been given. I pray a hedge of protection around them ever single night, that God sends his angels to guard and watch over them. As a mother I have never feared anything more in my life then the loss of one of my children, the mere thought leaves me breathless. The only thing that keeps me from driving myself utterly insane is releasing those fears, praying about them and recognizing who holds tomorrow. I know in my heart this world is fleeting. God has taken the sting of death and someday we all will face our destiny. It is for that reason my attitude has shifted recently to creating an environment for my family that is more eternally focused. I am trying to be a better example for my children, showing them the love of God. We all fall short, we all experience failure but this one thing, we will never give up on. We want our children, God's children to have salvation. I would give my final breath to know my children have eternal life. There is nothing more that I want for them in this life than to know their Savior and accept Him as their own. I will never forget Christmas of 2012 when Ian spoke the prayer of salvation. He was only 5 years old. Nothing in the world is more important to me. We live in a dying world, it's so important to recognize that and to teach our kids about God. I'm so thankful for the men and woman and teens who every week volunteer to teach or help with Awana's and children's church, they are such a blessing to us. The job doesn't end there, it never should. We are entrusted the care of these beautiful children and we need to raise them up to know the Lord. There is nothing more important! Nothing. Without salvation we are all like lost sheep wondering through the wilderness with no shepherd.

and if our God is for us...

What a wonderful Counselor and mighty God we serve. These past couple days I have started something new. Every time the boys are acting out, not listening, being disrespectful or ignoring me I call them aside and make them repeat a Bible verse that relates to that offense. Sounds harsh? Well I make them repeat it 10 times, how's that for this tough mommy? Funny thing is that an amazing thing happened tonight when I enacted this new discipline technique. After the second time of using it Ian did something a little unusual... He wept. At first I wondered what was wrong because he was rubbing his eyes but after I realized that wasn't what he was doing I hugged him and asked what was wrong. Was it humility? No, this was the true act of repentance, the way God wants us to respond to his diclipline. It occurred to me that when I'm acting horribly and not obeying God I hurt his heart, it truly aches as mine did for Ian but God loves me so much that he allows me to fall on my knees and repent of my sin and ask for forgiveness just as Ian did. He said the verse that I read to him and had him repeat made him sad because he knew that he wasn't doing what God asked him to do. How completely profound that was for me that a child of only 6 years old taught me, an adult of 39 years what true repentance looks like. Thank you God for showing me your ways and for giving me such a tremendous gift. <3