*Shrinkwrap*

So I have this book that I purchased a long time ago called Living Organized. I planned on reading it at some point, mostly because clutter is something I struggle with and it stresses me so much I absolutely hate it. I have long thought that living a minimalist lifestyle would suite me perfectly because I am not a materialistic person at all. I enjoy being able to go places and do things with my family but I also love being a homebody and love the simple pleasures that a hot cup of herbal tea and a good book provide. Life is so amazing yet we complicate it with so much junk that it becomes distracting. Even in the home we feel like we have to hang tons of pictures on the wall, photographs of family and friends, anything we can do to personalize it or make it our own. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that but if it becomes a struggle for you to get out of bed and clean, if being around the house depresses you to the point that you have to get up and leave or make excuses to not be home... more likely than not you are feeling the stress of having too much clutter surrounding your space. I do not function well in an environment when it is unorganized. Whenever I was younger I would sit at my desk at home and organize it perfectly. I would put everything in the drawers, stack books and papers neatly, everything would have a place and had to be a specific way. My whole room could be a heaping mess but my desk would be perfect. Maybe I focused on the desk so much because it was the one thing I could control, the largeness of the space that surrounded me made it more difficult to master the whole room, but this one thing... my desk, I could manage. 

I remember it would drive my mom nuts... she would come upstairs to my bedroom and just dump everything out of my dressers, she would make 1 huge pile on the floor, whether it was toys, clothes anything really. Then she would have me go through it all in 1 exhausting day and get rid of things I didn't use. It was helpful for the moment but before too long another holiday would come around and I'd have that many more things... THINGS. What is that word? Why do we use it to describe items that we'd rather not name individually? I looked up the word things in the dictionary and this is what I found it to say:

1.

a material object without life or consciousness; an inanimate object.

2.

some entity, object, or creature that is not or cannot be specifically designated or precisely described: The stick had a brass thing on it.

3.

anything that is or may become an object of thought: things of the spirit.

4.

things, matters; affairs: Things are going well now.

5.

a fact, circumstance, or state of affairs: It is a curious thing.

What struck me the most is number 2. cannot be specifically designated or precisely described. Wow, that's kind of sad if you think about it. If something has value or means something to us then wouldn't you be able to describe it? In a sense this exercise kind of gave me some perspective on how we place material value on things of this world. If you have money, you can buy things... THINGS. You often here people say, if I won the lottery I could have any*thing* I want. Well then name it right? What is your hearts desire? I know that my own heart desires to be closer to God and to remain focused on Him and not the things of this world. The Bible says 1 JOHN 2:15 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. This is a great verse that I often need reminded of. Thank you Jesus for the love you extend to me so graciously without reserve. I ask that I'm able to walk through my home and recognize those things which are of this world. I pray that I might consider removing the clutter that surrounds my life so that I may walk closer with you. I long for the quiet moments we spend together. I desire to be calm in my spirit and to have a fuller heart of your love. Please direct me in the path of the righteous and cleanse me of the wrongful desires of this world. Help me to fill the emptiness with you God, only you. Amen

*Stronger*

Simple. You hurt me. Your words spoke untruths, so much so it all became 1 big lie. Funny it is that those who we care about the most often hurt us the deepest. When 1 is cut so deeply a scar often forms that cannot be repaired. You can try to love again, you can even fake it but somewhere inside you will always question the intent of the person who is questionably called your friend. I can get over this and move on with my life, 1 breath at a time but you have undeniably broken my spirit. Will it heal? Yes, but not without careful approach. I will not be so endeared by those who claim to have my back. I will not turn blindly to those things that ache my heart.  I am worth so much more than you recognize, I am irreplaceable and one day you will notice.

Seeds

Sitting here I have been reflecting on so many things this evening. My heart is heavy for certain people in my life who are experiencing pain. Some of it is self inflicted nonetheless it still hurts to see those we love suffer. I remember so many times in my walk when I felt low and unworthy of God's love. There are still many days I feel that same way. Though I cannot say for certain what the outcome might be, I can say that God's way is the only way and if you're fighting an uphill battle that seems almost unbearable, maybe it's because you're choosing the wrong path. Sometimes I think God allows things to happen, not to punish us but to teach us that we need to rely fully on him.

There have been recent moments that I have felt really saddened by some of my own choices and I know that I have disappointed God but I know that I am forgiven and pray that I can somehow learn from those choices and grow in them. You can't continually search for a place to plant yourself. Sometimes you have to just grow where God planted you. If you feel yourself wavering just ask God to sow seeds into your garden. Water it and watch, it will grow.

Memories...

Aevan and Daddy

 I remember this day. It was after we picked Cynthia from Virginia for a visit. I was so happy to have all of our family together finally. Unfortunately there were signs even then that the connection was stronger with Aevan and Cynthia than with Cynthia and Ian. Makes my heart sad to recognize the results of that year but I'm praying that one day we will be re-united. I will always love and miss her :(

Aevan and Ian on Snyder Farm



Ian and cousin Kendra

This was a nice day and we were excited to see the boys playing and having fun at their grandparents house. They always enjoy spending time with their family and the girls love playing with the boys. We are really blessed to have each other.

Aevan and Ian on Snyder Farm



Spider Monkey Moraine State Park

Natty

Ian was so happy this day. He was playing outside and it started to rain. He was amazed by the thunder and lightening. His eyes would get so big every time he heard the thunder. It was really cute. 

Easy peasy... lol

I am so excited. I was able to find several ways to organize and re-purpose stuff in my home today. I have been feeling extremely crafty lately and the creative juices are flowing. Now if I can get the rest of my crib cleaned up I can relax and get started. I have several projects I'm working on and I need the space and table to do it. If I can get this art studio cleaned out I can do it... so that's what I'm working on. That and minimalizing. That too is another dream of mine. I hate clutter. It takes up so much personal space. I need to find time to do all this. Sitting here is not getting it done fast enough :)

*artsy me*

Painful antics of the daytime blogger. I painted my first acrylic canvas painting last night. Thought I'd try my hand at something artistic besides photography. I'm going to do some mod podge with photographs to decorate this week too. I need to get some of this bottled up creativity out. I'm anxious to try a bunch of new craft ideas but I'm not going to do so until I get this house in order. I am thinking I may also buy one of those industrial size prints from Staples this week too. I have a lot of things I want to do, my brain is spinning out of control. :)

I'm off here to get busy. Going to pack up some things for good will and try to get my clean on.

*The Beginning*

I'm in a funk. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this self pity an loathing that has been going on for so long. I have been sitting on the couch for the past 3 days watching episode after episode of The Hills re-runs on Netflix, and why you ask? Well because their self indulgent and ridiculously spoiled lives make me realize how extremely normal mine is. I mean it must be nice to drive around in Mercedes and wear designer clothes that cost more than most people's whole wardrobe but hey, it's cool. They were born with a silver spoon and it's okay. I really am not jealous, honestly I think it's kind of sad to think that all they will ever know is privilege and dubious loyalties. I mean have you ever really watched the show? They're friends, they're not, they're lovers, they're haters. Their core values really seem quite shaped by the hills in which they were breed in.

Hollywood. Wow, what a thought. Not reality. Is that where my mind is focused lately? Not in the clouds of doubt or irresolution but in the fantasy of having and being everything to everyone. I hate that I can't develop sincere friendships, I have too many trust issues with those who have wronged me in past relationships. I feel like sometimes the only friends I have are the guy friends from high school who really looked after me and saw me as one of the boys. Funny how that works huh.

I remember in school that I had all these friends but my best friends, I mean my best best buddies were always guys. Maybe it was because I had good looking friends who were girls and they knew I was their in. Ha that happened on more than one occasion, never ended well but as I remember, anytime I developed a crush on one of these boys... yeah, I was the best friend type, not a romantic interest. I get it, I was a little fluffy even back then, not exactly the material guys who were popular or well liked wanted on their shoulder. Still there was one, one boy. And he broke my heart. :(

Then I met John after high school. Right after the bad relationship was over, the mistake relationship that crashed more than once. Here I was, found the greatest guy ever. The most sincere, most honest, most romantic of any guy I ever dated and I found myself for the first time holding back. Telling him that I didn't want to get serious and that I just wanted to date. I tried so hard to put him off, not get into a 1 on 1 relationship and still, after about 3 months, maybe 4 of dating he proclaimed that he was in love with me. I didn't say it first. I was determined. At 1 year into our relationship we were engaged. So at 20 years old we started planning the rest of our lives together. Funny how that happens. I was 21, almost 22 when we got married. we had been together for almost 3 years. We didn't rush... we took it slow but life gets ahead of you. It moves too quickly. I suffered 2 pregnancy losses that year and so the struggle began and depression sat in.

*New Note*

This is a new day and the sun is shining. I'm feeling optimistic about our future and about staying positive. I'm not going to allow people to bring me down or cause me to feel unworthy of respect. I have been feeling so rotten lately about the decisions I've made and mistakes that have caused me to stumble. It's so hard to stay on the straight and narrow path, I've hit a lot of bumps in the road and need to refocus. 

There are many area's in my life that need cleansed. Kind of like cleaning out my closet and getting rid of the junk inside it. Things that I've been holding onto that are making me feel rotten. All the clutter makes you feel out of control, like there isn't enough space in your life for the positive things that God has for you. I'm not sure what this next chapter in life will be for me but I am certain that it will be a challenge for me, just letting go.

We can kid ourselves and say we'll never make another mistake,we'll never stumble in our walk but that's unrealistic. We all fall short of the Glory of God and need reminded from time to time that we're human. I'm just very thankful that I have salvation and are forgiven because heaven knows if I weren't I'd be in a very dreadful state.

All that being said, I am hoping that 2013 will bring new opportunities both for myself and for John. I am starting a new journey with the boys. We have decided to home school so that it is a big responsibility for me. I prayed about this for a long time and with the recent events and current state of our world I think it's the best option for us. John's job is crazy, working 2 weeks on at a time and then being off 1. We don't get to see much of him and most likely won't until this contract ends. We have about 18 more months of it to go then from that point, not sure what he'll decide. I'm praying another opportunity comes up because as much as this job pays well, I really hate him being away from us so much. It's hard on me, our marriage, the boys. We are stronger when we're together than when we're apart. I almost feel like a single parent and it's not a good feeling. :(

I'm going to make more time for the boys and for getting things done that I need to do through out the day and staying off of facebook. It's such a waste of time, there really is no excuse for the amount of time that I sit here and blow just staring at this computer. I'm ready to start this day. Cherio'

*reckless*

Why is it that every time I set my mind that I'm going to do something, the pressure to screw up is always there. It's like the temptation is so strong that I find myself fighting this internal battle between right and wrong. I know when something isn't good for me, why can't I just give it up? It's so hard to place distance between yourself and old habits, even ones that you know you need to break. I'm reckless lately with my thoughts, with my actions, with my words. I hate knowing that I'm disappointing God, even myself. 

I need a break, time away from the constant reminders that I'm surrounded with each day. The only way for me to escape is to disconnect from everything. I wish I could just change my phone number and block off the outside world for like a week, maybe 2. I hate feeling so confused all the time. I will be fine, just need to rewire this brain of mine. 

*Wasteland*

It is in these early morning hours that my thoughts are most stirred. Through God's grace and redemption, my heart has become softened to the idea that I need to refocus my energy on things that are more positive. With all the moving and having to settle down once more it has been difficult for us to get back on track. This is quite possibly the longest we have not gone to church on a regular basis and it's truly affecting us in a negative way. The patterns that we create often become habit if we let them go on for too long. I know that the boys miss church. They miss the other kids and I feel horrible for allowing the excuse that I'm too busy be the only reason we haven't been attending. You get lazy and self absorbed to the point that your focus is not where it needs to be. I need to work on that, A LOT. 

I have to admit that I have allowed certain things, negative things to creep back into my life. There comes a time where you have to make a decision to either remove yourself from situations that cause you to stumble or walk away from individuals who are influencing your decisions. I did that and felt better for a long time. Then when we moved to Sligo area I met up with an old friend. A friend that was part of my life, long before I refocused my energy and devotion on God. Now let me just say that it is not this person's fault that I started to lose myself again. I did that on my own. The problem is, we have to make a conscious decision to either get back on track or keep falling of the donkey, per say. I allowed myself to consistently go against my faith and belief in God because it felt good to do so. Having fun, letting yourself fall back into patterns that are destructive can affect everything, even people around you. I noticed that I was listening to music that I knew was inappropriate, I was watching television shows and reading material that was more worldly. I was losing myself once more. 

Praise God that I am able to recognize when I feel myself slipping. There is a certain amount of conviction that follows when you make the choice to become a Christian, even more so when you choose to live for God not yourself. If not for this reason I would consistently test boundaries like a child. If you are immature in your faith especially, it is important to focus on Biblical studies, finding time for God in an intimate setting. Praying, reading scripture, spending time with those who can help you to build your relationship with Him. 

I long for that kind of relationship with God. I know my heart desires to be closer to my creator. I'm going to reduce the amount of time that I spend doing things that are less productive and start re-focusing on what I know to be of more importance. I'm sure I will miss the freedom of sitting here at the computer wasting valuable time on Facebook. The randomness of Pinterest and just being able to relax and unwind but I can do all those things by sitting down and reading God's word. Maybe picking up a Bible or devotional or even doing a study is what I need to occupy my time, something, anything would be more educational then what I've been doing. I'm ready to close this chapter.

Weekend's end...

Wishing that John didn't have to go back to work in early morning. It was nice to have him home with us all week, so much so that we got spoiled just having him here. I'm hopeful for the day when he will be able to leave and be at work in only a few minutes again. They are telling him the rig will be back near our house by February so hopefully that is the case. Where he is now isn't terribly far but with winter and the roads, deer, etc. I hate him having to make that trip. It's longer now for him to get to the hotel than it was before. He has to go about 20 miles to the site. It's kind of silly actually because it's only 31 miles to the site from home but 11 miles 1 way adds up to an additional 22 miles of travel a day for him and that's still a lot.

I am busy trying to prepare for spring and what comes next for our family. We have a lot of things we'd like to do this summer so we plan on concentrating on getting all of our bills paid off so that we can do them. You think that when you're making a better income you'd budget better but with birthdays, holidays, etc. we spent sooooooo much that now we're having to pay down the credit cards and get back to saving. We'd like to go to Ireland soon, possibly this year or next, Hawaii and the boys really want to go back to Disney. Depending on what God has in store for us, we may or may not be able to do any of that but the desire to travel is in our hearts. Well off to get these boys to sleep. I need to work on getting John's things in order for his job.

I should be in bed fast asleep laying beside my wonderful husband in his warm embrace. I should be dreaming of puffy white clouds with rainbows and unicorns. Well maybe not, that's a little cheesy but sleep... oh dear sleep, why do you escape me so very often. I miss my cousin Darla that recently passed away because even though we had very little in common but the bloodline, we shared our often late night insomnia and would talk and comment on each other's pages when we couldn't sleep.

It's a random thing if I get to bed before midnight, honestly I may even stretch that and say 3 am because rarely do I make it to sleep before that even if my head is resting on the pillow.  It's an awful curse that has followed me through the years... even as a young girl I had a hard time resting. Maybe that's why I suffer from headaches so often, obesity and slow metabolism. They say skinny girls sleep. Maybe that's because they eat so few calories that they run out energy 1/2 way through the day and have to go to bed ha ha. Okay that wasn't nice. Skinny girls are my friend. I'd love to be one in fact. Maybe not skinny. Just less pleasantly plump. I used to tell people I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. 

Truth of the matter is though, this weight thing... it's really been bothering me a whole lot lately. Tonight I went to the mall with John and the boys. My knee's were aching, my ankle and I could barely keep up with them during our walk. Often I would look ahead and see the boys holding John's hand and they would occasionally look back at me as if they were thinking, why you back there mommy. I know it affects my self esteem but when it starts to create anxiety for my children and hurt their heart, I can't do that to them. I don't want to leave behind a legacy like this. I hurt for my mother. She was obese. That word sounds so incredibly cruel and insensitive but it's a technicality that I know all too well. I hated to see my mom suffer in any way. If something hurt her, I would get so angry. If someone made a comment about her weight I would react and jump to her defense. I remember an incident one day in a super market when a child that was about 4 or 5 made a comment about why was my mother so fat to his own mother. She brushed it off like it was no big deal and continued on with her shopping. As my mom walked into the next aisle I approached the mother and said, "you know, you really should teach your child some manners". She looked confused and then I said, you are a rotten mother if you think that it's okay to allow your child to do or say something wrong and then not correct them for it. Chances are you are cold and cruel yourself so it's not shocking. She was very embarrassed, didn't speak a word and stood there as if the cat got her tongue. I was beaming as I walked away, proud of the way I stood up for my mom.

Years later I look back at that incident and thing... boy were you stupid. There was your chance to share something so much bigger. This could have been a learning experience for that child. I know what I would say to that mother and child today if I saw them. I would say, "It's my prayer that you and your child one day know the love of God the way that my mother does. That you are careful with your words, thoughtful in your actions and loving in your ways. My mother carries that burden heavily, that is why she is so big. She takes on the weight of the world but her heart is so big God had to give her a bigger body to accommodate it. Have a great day & God bless! 

That conversation would replay in my heart for years to come so I have had a lot of time to reflect back at that day and still wish I could rewind it and change the response. I wasn't very old at the time though, didn't have a lot of worldly wisdom, sometimes I still don't but I do know that my God, he is a forgiving God, a loving God and a God of infinent wisdom. Thank you Lord for not giving up on my when I'm acting like a brat, being stupid or revengeful in my tone. Teach me to love, to be kind and to be gentle in my ways. Amen

Three Hundred Sixty-Five

It's a new year and with it comes the resolution fails... not attempting to make a list, however I am going to pick a goal each day to work on and escape the uncertainty of complacency  There are several factors that cause one to give up when starting a large project, for myself I feel completely overwhelmed when we're talking large scale. The smaller the goal the easier it is to achieve or maintain. Such is the status quo of my life. I enjoy doing things that make me happy so I figure I will start there and then do 1 thing a day that I absolutely despise. The reason being, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. Lesson's in life are learned through self reprieve and lots of discipline. I need both to keep me grounded. So here goes. I started the Project Life 365 and am hoping to keep up with it. I have been having a hard time finding my inspiration lately so hopefully it will spark something creative from within. Also John has asked me to do some different style of photography. I hadn't really thought of doing so for quite some time but now that I have a new camera I have no intention of allowing it to sit and collect dust so fair warning... all is game! I started Industrial History of Western Pa but found it to be boring. The pictures were okay but the subject didn't necessarily pan well. I'm going to focus on catching life in real time... people watching/animal/trees/etc. We're all connected in this crazy space we call our world. Hoping to also do project days *like visit Andy Worhol* where else would you expect me to start? After all he's the king of simple exaggeration  It's erotic and eclectic at best. Marching onward into 365 days. 2013 will *ROCK*