Lead Me

Have you ever opened your mouth and the words get all jumbled up or what you thought you were going to say came out but just didn't make any sense? I often brainstorm prior to speaking if the response I'm going to give requires deep thought. I'm typically very well versed in terms of speaking about things I'm passionate about but lately I feel like God has been telling me to slow down. The name he has given himself for me this year is "Teacher". I have been doing a tremendous amount of soul searching recently. I've been asking God to reveal my purpose and to show me the areas he'd like me to serve. I've been feeling called for awhile to minister to the lost, the poor and orphaned. I think it's something we've all been commanded to do but for me it goes beyond that. I feel like I've been waiting for my mission, like God has been prepping me for something larger but I just don't know what yet.

When John and I initially started fostering we didn't have children of our own. We decided that while we were waiting on God's perfect timing, we would foster and perhaps later pursue adoption through that avenue if things went well. We got certified as therapeutic foster parents in Virginia which basically meant we were eligible to take on cases that were a little more demanding. Some of the children placed in therapeutic care require much more attention and services than the typical placements. Physically or emotionally, these kids really need a great amount of patience and love. It troubled my heart tremendously what these children endured while in the care of those who claimed to love them. It is difficult bringing a new person into your home, especially so when it's a child who has been hurt, whose scared and not sure what to expect themselves. Everybody walks on eggshells for a little while. There is always a honeymoon period first when you're all on your best behavior, well for the most part *sigh*. After a week or so passes and you become more comfortable with each other, you start to see personality changes, people start being more honest, like and dislikes start to become more obvious. This is when the trials begin.

We faced this again and again with our foster children. It was often a struggle but one thing remained, our desire to help them adjust and to show them love, real love could make a difference. They desired normalcy, something they could count on but every grain within them would fight it, they'd push us away. With every step forward there were 2 steps backwards, this is what became the cycle. It's tiring, you get horribly exhausted and feel like it's never going to end but every once in awhile you'd get a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. It was in those moments I saw God's smile shining through their eyes and it have me hope to continue.

John and I continue to feel God's hand leading us forward to foster more children. I've been reluctant in my spirit because having 2 children of my own the protective side of me is screaming in protest. What will we bring into our home, what struggles will arise, how can I be sure we will be safe... Then I hear God speak softly, "Do you trust me?" Of coarse I do! Well then, what else can I do but proceed and place all of my cares in His hands. My children are compassionate, they are loving. Perhaps through serving the Lord they will show others the love of God. That's our mission, our families calling.

Raise Them Up

I am so thankful this week for my family, my friends and our health. I know so many who are grieving the loss of loved ones and it breaks my heart for them. Sometimes the only thing you can do is pray when there are not enough flowers or words to comfort those who have been left behind. I still recall the numbness of losing my mom, the surreal feeling that it was this crazy dream and that I would somehow wake up and things would be normal again, sadly that never happened.

I do not fear death itself but I do tremble at the thought of leaving behind 2 of the most precious gifts I've ever been given. I pray a hedge of protection around them ever single night, that God sends his angels to guard and watch over them. As a mother I have never feared anything more in my life then the loss of one of my children, the mere thought leaves me breathless. The only thing that keeps me from driving myself utterly insane is releasing those fears, praying about them and recognizing who holds tomorrow. I know in my heart this world is fleeting. God has taken the sting of death and someday we all will face our destiny. It is for that reason my attitude has shifted recently to creating an environment for my family that is more eternally focused. I am trying to be a better example for my children, showing them the love of God. We all fall short, we all experience failure but this one thing, we will never give up on. We want our children, God's children to have salvation. I would give my final breath to know my children have eternal life. There is nothing more that I want for them in this life than to know their Savior and accept Him as their own. I will never forget Christmas of 2012 when Ian spoke the prayer of salvation. He was only 5 years old. Nothing in the world is more important to me. We live in a dying world, it's so important to recognize that and to teach our kids about God. I'm so thankful for the men and woman and teens who every week volunteer to teach or help with Awana's and children's church, they are such a blessing to us. The job doesn't end there, it never should. We are entrusted the care of these beautiful children and we need to raise them up to know the Lord. There is nothing more important! Nothing. Without salvation we are all like lost sheep wondering through the wilderness with no shepherd.

and if our God is for us...

What a wonderful Counselor and mighty God we serve. These past couple days I have started something new. Every time the boys are acting out, not listening, being disrespectful or ignoring me I call them aside and make them repeat a Bible verse that relates to that offense. Sounds harsh? Well I make them repeat it 10 times, how's that for this tough mommy? Funny thing is that an amazing thing happened tonight when I enacted this new discipline technique. After the second time of using it Ian did something a little unusual... He wept. At first I wondered what was wrong because he was rubbing his eyes but after I realized that wasn't what he was doing I hugged him and asked what was wrong. Was it humility? No, this was the true act of repentance, the way God wants us to respond to his diclipline. It occurred to me that when I'm acting horribly and not obeying God I hurt his heart, it truly aches as mine did for Ian but God loves me so much that he allows me to fall on my knees and repent of my sin and ask for forgiveness just as Ian did. He said the verse that I read to him and had him repeat made him sad because he knew that he wasn't doing what God asked him to do. How completely profound that was for me that a child of only 6 years old taught me, an adult of 39 years what true repentance looks like. Thank you God for showing me your ways and for giving me such a tremendous gift. <3