weak

Starting a new devotional study with myself has been a good and bad thing. Good in the way that I am getting in the word a lot more these past few days, bad that I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I feel like I need to fix all my issue's at one time. When you're doing a step study you can't jump ahead of the class, you have to stick to the program and only work on 1 thing at a time. That can be difficult for me. I'm trying really hard to understand this concept and to slow down. I didn't derail this train in just 1 day so I'm certainly not going to get it back on track in that amount of time either and if anyone thinks or says they can, they are lying to themselves and you!

There are so many things that I've discovered since starting my Celebrate Recovery group. 1 is that I am powerless without the help of God. I have no control of my eating disorder, habits or self destruction. I cannot do anything to change the way I respond or react to triggers because I am out of control. I have been living in denial, thinking that if I can just do this or do that, if I can just stop eating bad things, get to bed early, stop thinking about that last piece of chocolate or that bottle of coke sitting in the fridge, I'll be okay. Just walk away... you've got this, RIGHT! uh, no... that's not the case at all. I can't have chocolate in the house, I cannot drink coke, AT ALL without wanting more and I really do not have the ability to shut my brain off and get rid of the insomnia-obviously, or I'd be in bed an not up at this insane hour of 4 am.

You cannot find help in those books in the self help section, trust me I know. I have a whole collection that is sitting on my bedroom book stand and the only thing they do is collect dust. I look at magazine's while standing in line at the check out and see this new fad diet that's just come out and it's so amazing and people are losing 100 lbs so it's screaming buy me, buy me and I'll do the work for you, the secret is right inside. Yeah... the only thing that's got me is another pile of dust or magazine's that get thrown in a corner and read over and over again while sitting on the porcelain throne.

What I'm trying to say here I guess is, we all have things we are not in control of but denial, denial is the worst thing ever. As soon as we can say, we have no control and that we are out of control, all else is in vain. Accepting that you have a problem and that you have no chance of succeeding or kicking it on your own is the only way you'll bypass the guilt and shame of keeping it a secret. Give it all away, let God carry that burden for you. I'm pretty sure he wants to heal the weak. He created us and that means he has the ability to fix us. I guess all we really have to do is let him.