sad but necessary....

I have mixed emotions about what will happen this week. For the first time in a very long time I will be returning to work. I always told myself that when I had children I would never work, at least not until they were school aged. Well lets face it, that's not only an improbability these days but most likely a lot of parents will have to (unless they are extremely blessed) do so at some point. I am going to be working midnight's so I'm really praying that I will be fortunate enough to be up and with my children all day until I put them to bed in the evening. I am not working weekends so that is a bonus but I still think I will miss being at home and in bed with my family most nights of the week. I only plan on doing this temporarily until John finds a better paying or 2nd job. I also will continue to be a Thirty-One Consultant and Reliv Distributor. One day my dream is that John and I will both be stay at home parents and that we'll be able to travel and do the things we enjoy not only in the summer but through out the year. I would really like to focus more on my photography and possibly do more with it. I really have been missing the opportunity of being behind the lens and capturing some of God's beautiful creations. My goals are changing but my priorities are the same. God FIRST, family SECOND and job THIRD. That being said, we will see how this work thing goes. If it pans out I will most likely stay for awhile just to gather up some spending money for the summer months. If it doesn't then I'll be booking more shows and lining up some more photography gigs for these next few months to come :)

ramblings of a very tired mommy

Funny how inspiration comes in the midnight hours. I have been up with Ian mostly all night. Poor baby has had a fever and with it comes the talking in his sleep, sleep walking and worried mama. I have been sitting on the couch for nearly 5 hours now afraid to move because he keeps getting out of bed. I have given him Motrin and Tylenol so hopefully that will bring his fever down and he's make it through the night. My throat is finally feeling a little better so that makes me think we're coming to the end of this long rough patch of week. I cannot wait till spring is here and mother nature makes up her mind, seriously.

So we took Aevan to the eye specialist and found out he has to have a procedure done to open his tear ducts. It is done through outpatient surgery and is fairly simple and the doctor thinks that will clear up a lot of this trouble he's been having with infections, etc. I pray it works. I have been nursing the poor kids eyes practically since birth it seems. They are always watering, always sensitive to light and he rubs them constantly.

I have an appointment coming up in a couple of weeks with the oncology and hematology department of West Penn here in Butler. They are going to go over my hemochromatosis diagnosis with me and develop an ongoing treatment and management plan. I'm not looking forward to this new lifestyle but I'm just thankful that I can live a somewhat normal life aside of giving blood for 2 hours every few weeks. That part I'm not so happy about but I can live with it. Eventually we all have to do things in life that are uncomfortable or inconvenient but we shouldn't complain when there are so many others out there who deal with way more than we could ever imagine.

I have been feeling wonderfully blessed and very satisfied with my new found attitude. I have been trying hard to be more positive and to keep my temper under control lately. My triggers are still there but I'm recognizing them more now and can manage them just knowing what they are. John hasn't been bad lately either. In fact he wrote me a very sweet message on Facebook yesterday. He is a wonderful husband and father and I'm proud of him. Well this has been my generic weekly post. I have rambled, no doubt so I apologize. I'm mostly just taking up space with this one.... oh well

challenge accepted!

This has been a great week for me. I am making some positive changes and feel good about what God has been doing in my life. There are a lot of things happening right now but I don't really feel apprehensive or worried, I have faith that it will all work out. At the beginning of the week I started using a program on my fitnesspal.com A friend told me about this sight about a year ago when he first started his weight-loss journey and he has had great success using their program. Like I shared previously, I'm a bit slow to start but slow and steady wins the race, right?


I think that each of us has to reach that point. It's a personal level of I've had enough and I'm going to do something about it. I personally feel like God has placed me here for a reason. It's never easy to deal with health issues but when you're overweight the simplest of things become a struggle. It's embarrassing to say the least. I have compiled a list of reasons why being overweight has been a negative experience in my life. I think that by recognizing how each thing is effecting me, it gives me an even bigger picture of how different my life would be if I were healthier and at a more comfortable weight. 


Before I continue with the list, let me just say that I used to be so embarrassed by my weight and I would have never shared this information with anyone yet alone all of my Facebook and Blog friends. The issue is that there remains such a social stigma regarding obesity and the amount of public ridicule makes it hard for people to be honest about such things. We are bombarded daily by unrealistic expectations regarding body image. The social media has a tremendous impact on how our teens and younger population view appearances. The general assumption is that the skinnier you are the healthier you are. This is far from the truth. Without putting such an emphasis on a number, everyone is an individual and weight doesn't necessarily have to be a standard fit. Your weight should usually be within a certain healthy range but that doesn't mean that someone who is 5'6 and 28 years old should weight the same as someone who is 5'6 large framed and 39 years old. There are always sub-standards. 


Here are some of the reasons that I feel being obese has negatively effected my lifestyle
1. Feeling overwhelmed by my food choices is difficult. I constantly think about what I'm eating and how it's going to effect my weight. It has taken the joy out of eating for me and has replaced it with fear.
2. I am uncomfortable in my clothes. It's hard for me to find something that I actually feel good wearing. I used to enjoy shopping, now I dread it because I know I have to go for that larger size on the rack and most likely I won't like how it looks after I put it on. It's not fun to shop when you can't buy the style of clothes you like to wear. I am a fat girl who enjoys skinny girl clothing. :(
3. Physical activity is a daily challenge. Most parents love to go to amusement parks with their children and enjoy riding rides. Instead of looking forward to and anticipating with joy the reaction of my child's first experiences, I am preoccupied with the thought that I may not fit behind the rides safety bar. Not only is it extremely embarrassing, it's devastating to tell your child you have to leave a ride because you can't fit on it with them when necessary. 
4. Swimming is something that I really enjoy. I love to go to the pool and beach in the summer time. What I don't enjoy is having to find a bathing suit that is large enough to cover all my fluff.
5. Here is one, I will warn you, it may cause you to squirm: Intimacy. There you go, I said it. I have a hard time explaining to my husband that it's NOT his fault, that it's my lack of desire and confidence that causes me to withdrawal. I used to enjoy sex. Now it's become a duty. That my friends is sad. 
6. Alienation: not ALIEN NATION ha ha, but may as well be. I sometimes will stay home instead of enjoying the company of good friends because I have a hard time participating in certain physical activity. I would love to go hiking, bicycling or kayaking. All of these things become difficult when you're a larger size.
7. Fear of disease, lack of self control, low confidence and insomnia all are directly related to my weight. I will go into further detail about each of these things in a future post but for now let me just say this. I do not feel that I have the quality of life that God intended for me. This is mostly due to the poor choices that I have made through out my life. It is what it is and I accept the fault. It is mine, nobody else's. 


This is just a partial list and I'm sure that there are many more reasons to be unhappy about my weight. The most important reason for this post is so that others can maybe recognize that they are not lone in their struggle. God has enlisted me to help other people but before I can help you I have to help myself. Thanks for reading and please leave comments! If you really want to you can create a blog as well and subscribe to mine. Have a very blessed day. ~ Lorie

ready for the road ahead....

I have several posts that I'm working on and some may seem a little out of order but occasionally so am I so it works for me :) There really has been a lot on my mind lately. Finding out that I have a blood disorder has been somewhat surreal for me. Yesterday I pulled up to my mailbox and pulled out the envelope that read the dreaded word oncology. That in itself should be enough to scare me straight to healthy but sometimes I'm a little slow. After I pulled out the pages of papers that are to include my entire life history, health issues and other personal information I came to the realization that this is my do or die moment. I need to take this seriously, this is not something that I can put off or neglect. To do so would certainly bring about serious health complications. I am very fortunate to have been diagnosed early on in the disorder and hopefully knowing that I have hemochromatosis will prevent me from further damaging my organs. What damage the iron has already done can be reversible from this point I'm assuming. I thank God for my doctor who no matter how incompetent and irresponsible I am stays on top of things and doesn't give up on her patients. Dr. Lu is an amazing young woman and her office staff is incredible.

I have never been more determined to get healthy. I think that God has a plan in this journey and that he knew I needed a bigger reason to do what I should have been doing all along. I have a ridiculous amount of weight to lose. You have to start somewhere so I guess I'll start at the beginning and work backwards. I didn't just wake up one day and look in the mirror and see the pretty fat girl staring back. I guess I can't expect change to come easily or over night. It's never easy feeling alone in a journey of this magnitude. I know that there are several of you out there struggling with weight so if you need a buddy I'm all yours. Genuinely certified in crazy and happily pursuing a healthier me.

I will be honest, I had considered gastric bypass early on in this weight challenge but through the years I always felt that if I couldn't do it on my own I would feel like a failure. Some people go through the surgery and do awesome but with me, this is such a personal life long struggle for me that I don't feel like surgery would give me the health results that I'm looking for. I am not saying that surgery isn't the right choice for others, it's just not the right choice for me right now.

I have been blessed in many ways and will continue to thank God daily for the strong faith He has given me. For holding my hand and walking me through so many valleys during the toughest moments of my life. I am certain that he will continually look after me and give me the courage to face this next challenge with courage, honor and commitment. I can already feel some changes taking affect and I'm glad I finally have the desire to make it to the finish line.