God's Amazing Healing Touch

Something quite amazing happened tonight and I wanted to be sure that I gave God all of the glory. My back was hurting since early this morning when I woke up. I shouldn't have been sleeping in the boys room on the mattress on the floor but it's become habit when John is working and when we only had the electric heater going in order to avoid turning on the gas for just a week or 2 before our move. Well during the night sometime I must have twisted it wrong or just slept on it poorly. It was so awful this previous morning when I woke up that I couldn't even stand up straight. I was considering making an appointment to see the chiropractor in the morning if it didn't feel better by morning but then something happened that has caused me to since reconsider. A good friend of ours from our amazing church in Butler called and prayed for me. He seen what was going on when I posted a remark on facebook about it and thank God saw that as an opportunity to glorify the Lord by prayerfully going before the throne and asking for complete healing.

I will admit that sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable when people pray over me and that's mostly a sin thing. I guess deep down I don't feel that I deserve God's healing but when that emotion started to interfere in the prayer process I fought though the devils lies and told myself "CLAIM THIS HEALING" as Kevin continued to pray. I started to feel a cold sensation in my lower back where he told me to place my hand. Strangely it started to get warm and travel lower until I stood up and felt the pain leaving. I was able to stand up completely straight and bend over to touch my toes for the 1st time all day. Now as I sit here typing this I feel completely healed of the pain and I know it's only by the grace of God and Kevin's willingness to deliver the prayer of healing. It's wonderful that we can do this for each other. I haven't exactly been feeling great about where I'm at in my relationship with God lately but this was completely uplifting and truly made me feel loved by the one and only savior. I know I have some things to work through and will try to do so a little at a time (baby steps) but getting back to CLC will be a fresh and much needed step. I cannot wait to see all of our friends and family at the one and only Community Life Church. It will feel great being among those we love and care for so much and thank God for the opportunity to leave and come back because we truly know how very blessed we are to have CLC and our amazing Pastor's and friends. A church that is living, thriving and witnessing to the lost. Praise God!

I will admit that I have been neglecting my blog recently. It's not purposely or intentional but rather of lack of energy or hours of the day to devote to it. This is a very busy time of year for us, especially with a new move on the horizon. We did not plan on moving this quickly, in fact we thought we'd be here for an extended period of time. I guess that even though we like to plan things accordingly, God has a purpose in every season and this is perhaps the best outcome for many reasons. We found a home very close to where John's job sites are. Right now as it is, he has been driving upwards of an hour to work every day. This was not how it was supposed to be. We moved here with the intention of being closer, not further from the places John would be working but his job apparently had other ideas. It's wonderful that John has been given this opportunity to make a tremendous amount of income in the next 2 years. I love that We're finally able to save money like never before, that part is great. I do miss him being home though and the kids miss him a lot too. The nice thing is, when he is home he is home for a week at a time which allows us to take many mini vacations through out the year and spend many days together doing fun things with the boys. We are planning on going to Disney this year once again so that we can take the boys to parts of the park that we missed last year. This was their request since we ask them what they want to do for their birthdays. They both responded with, "visit Mickey Mouse's home."

I have resorted to packing only the necessities this time and getting rid of anything else I don't want. It's hard enough to move without packing and unpacking things that I don't feel we'll ever have any use for. I'm quite certain that this move will be for at least 2 years, possibly more. I cannot believe we're doing this in the cold again though, that part sucks. We did the move last year in the winter time so hopefully we will be able to plan better for next time. :( Well I'm off here to get some packing done. Since we now have the gas turned on the heat is making it quite comfortable. At least I won't be freezing my butt off while trying to get things done. :)

"A Mothers Love"

Earlier this evening Ian came out from his room (about 3 hours had passed since bedtime). I asked him what he was doing since I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and he quietly said "I wanted to come out here". He was still 1/2 asleep and fell into my arms as I cradled him like a newborn. As I held him I silently watched him slumber like a baby and memories flooded my heart of the very first moments I experienced as a mother. I remember the whole 9 months, the fertility injections, the progesterone shots, the bruises and the implantation procedure. All of the medically necessary techniques that enabled me to become someones mommy but even more so, I remember the moment. The very first moment when I left the hospital, came home, laid in bed and prayed. I never prayed harder in my life. I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted just 1 little seed, 1 of  3 to grow, to implant and become my own little miracle. Within days it seemed I knew. My heart felt it, the changes were incredibly suttle but I knew. 2 weeks seemed an eternity, waiting, anticipating and praying our hearts would not be broken once more. 11 long years and finally, finally... a + sign. My heart was so full, so entirely filled with joy that it almost felt unrealistic. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news. She was cautiously excited. She knew our previous heartache's.

I remember the doctors concern about you being behind in growth by about 2 weeks. How I prayed that each new appointment would bring better news and that you were growing stronger, healthier. I felt so helpless, I didn't understand why you were so small still. At 34 weeks you came into this world and changed my own forever. My little blond haired, blue eyed baby boy. You were our 16 inch little prince. It was instant love. Seeing you for the first time hooked up to all those wires, the machine that was breathing for you, it was devastating. I prayed for God to bring you through it. The first 24-48 hours were incredibly difficult for me, it was the most critical. It would be a little while before I could hold you in my arms. Each visit to the NICU made my heart bleed, I wanted to make you better, hold you, bond with you and place you close to my heart. The day finally arrived when I could hold my precious son. So tiny, your little fingers could barely grasp my pinkie but I felt God saying "someday he will hold you in his arms".

Now as I held you this evening in my arms, your heart close to mind, I cannot imagine my life without you. God has blessed me so greatly with 2 healthy, beautiful boys. Each day with you is a miracle. There is nothing in this life more important than the love that God has given me for each of you. I pray that I can somehow enrich your life. That I am able to instill Godly value's and morals in your heart. I feel that the most important task I have is to help mold you into the precious young man God intends for each of you to be. I don't always know what I'm doing, I'm not perfect in any way. I hope one day when you are much older you will recognize the importance of each moment and not in any way ever give up hope. I promise you that even  though there will be troubles in this life, I will always be here for you and will always provide you loving arms, shelter from the storms and a constant faith in God's plan to prosper you. I love you my sweet boy. Love mom.

"June Cleaver Routine"

A moment of reflection has given me new perspective and insight about where I am right now at this point in my life. I certainly never dreamed I'd be facing the same challenges that I have been for nearly all of my life but yet here I am at this crossroads and I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. My mother's health deteriorated greatly after having children. She went from a very petite frame and weighing barely 100 lbs. to gaining a tremendous amount of weight after 5 kids. Call it stress, heredity, what you will. The point is, she felt overwhelmed, tired and emotionally drained, all of the things that I feel every day, that most mom's feel. Being a stay at home mother has tremendous rewards, but in those rewards, there are moments of insanity, moments where I wish I were on a deserted beach laying in the sand as the ocean's waves crash against the shore rocking me to sleep. Oh yes, the inevitable calgon commercial, that's the one. 

I think that the expectations are elevated a little today in comparison with previous generations where mothers were at home and expected to cook, clean, parent and look pretty. Now there is so much emphasis on career, goals, education, etc. that it's hard to figure out where you're supposed to fit into the gene pool yet alone as a mother, wife and provider. 

I pray everyday for an opportunity to help my husband provide for our family. I don't like that he has to work long hard hours for what seems squat at times but this is life and each of us have a role to play in it. I pray that when I go to bed at night I recognize the importance of each smile, each kiss and every little I love you spoken among my sweet little family. My boys are a blessing, my husband a saint and me, I'm just a housewife :)

Life here and there

Sitting here this evening it was my intention of getting to sleep much earlier and allowing my mind to rest but just as expected that is a harder task than one might imagine for someone who rarely if ever sleeps. I have had a lot of things stirring my emotions recently and it hasn't been so easy to deal with, even though I do pretend otherwise. We have been going through some changes, some good, some not so good recently but the hardest as of recently has been dealing with several losses of friends, friends who are grieving, family members who are sick or dealing with illness. I typically obsess over loss, sometimes it drives me crazy. I know this is not a natural thing and that it's not of God. God wants us to trust in his word and recognize that these moments, these passing days here are just a breath compared to what we can have in eternity with him. That should be more than enough to settle ones heart but alas' it doesn't take away the hurt, the loss that we feel when God calls one of our very own home. 

Since I was a young girl I have struggled with loss. I have experienced a lot of death in a very short amount of time as a youth. It was compounded by the fear of losing my mom. I always felt this sense of urgency with her, that if she didn't do something, change something, she would not be here and I'd have to face that horrible moment when I'd have to say goodbye and it would leave this wrenching hole in my heart that would ache forever. Sadly enough I was right. My mom suddenly died from a massive heart attack in 2007. I was 2 months pregnant at the time with Ian after 11 years of infertility. I never thought I'd have to face bringing a baby into the world without my mom here to share it with. :( I did take comfort in the knowledge that she knew I was pregnant and was very excited for me, cautiously so but happy for me. She knew we had been hurt so many times through the years and failures at the pregnancy attempts. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes as a parent we pass our fear onto our children without even recognizing it? My Ian is very scared to talk about heaven and death. He starts to get upset at the very mention of it and soon you will see his eyes get teary and he'll begin to cry. He associates heaven to death instead of eternal life and for that my heart aches. I want desperately to explain it to him in my best mommy way that death is not to be feared if you know Jesus and accept him into your heart and ask forgiveness for your sins. I have sheepishly sidestepped most of the questions related to death up until about a month ago when I saw what a profound effect it was having on Ian. Now I'm trying to go about the conversation a little differently and it seems to be working. We talked about how heaven is a wonderful place where people who love Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him go to live forever. I have told him that there are no more tears in this place, no more pain or suffering and he agreed that it sounds like some place we all want to be but not for a very long time. :) I got a wonderful book not long ago at River fest from a church that was handing them out. It talks about good people vs bad people and that Jesus wants to protect us, love us and for us to not be separated from him. It does a great job explaining the gaps that I was perhaps missing but I think for the most part it has been a positive step towards creating a better understanding of what death means to my children. 

I also got a book for me that talks about God's promises and that I do not need to fear things that I cannot control. Letting go of that is half the battle and I'm doing much better than I have in the past. This is not a subject that will just fade away, it will always be there but I'm learning some better ways to respond and interact with my children about it and for that I am very grateful. 

Instructions for Parenting a Strong Willed Child

I have decided to set an hour aside every evening to spend in prayer and studying the Lords word. I bought a book about 2 years ago at a parenting conference called "Don't Make Me Count to 3." It was such a great read and had so much valuable parenting advice I decide to go back and read it again, especially considering all I do recently is count to 3 because the boys have been testing limits a lot lately. I don't know if it's the age that their at or if they just don't feel it's necessary to listen to mom, either way I am determined to not lose my insanity while trying to teach them that it's Biblical to follow God's rules and obey their parents. Everyone always says that they wish children came with an instruction manual. Well truth is, they do. It's called the Bible. God's word has plenty to say about parenting if we just take the time to read it. That is my goal this week. I plan on going through scriptures related to parenting and then prayerfully consider what it is that I'm doing wrong. Hopefully the boys will be more receptive to their mother if she's not screaming like a maniac and rather placing them in time out while sharing God's word with them. :)

"Something Wicked This Way Comes"

Yesterday was interesting. As John was working the boys and I were busy at home preparing for the storm to arrive. We had been hearing about a strange type of weather event that doesn't happen often that would possibly bring strong winds, hail, severe lightening and heavy downpours. Standing outside waiting for the storm to arrive was crazy. It was as if the people on television didn't have a clue, the sky was beautiful, not a cloud in sight and yet they were telling us to take shelter that several tornado's had been possibly sighted or were on the ground in an area not far from us. I watched outside while our neighbors continued to work on their house, putting up siding. Donna, a friend from across the road came outside and sat down to read while the boys played on their bikes as I waited, camera in hand. 

I do not know what possesses someone to stand in the line of fire during a possibly life threatening storm but I do understand the excitement and great measure some go to to acquire the perfect picture of such events. The sky was amazing. I could look to the South East sky and  see a tremendous eye wall forming as the television buzzed over and over with warnings of approaching increment weather telling us to seek shelter. At one point we got warning of phone outages nearby. We continued to watch as the skies darkened and a rather ominous eye formed over our houses. At one point the neighbor across the road who was working on his house stopped what he was doing and said okay, that's a sign. The temp dropped what seemed 10 degrees in a matter of seconds. It was then we all became more concerned about the approaching funnel overhead. The scanner was buzzing at the neighbors as the town fire station contemplated whether or not to sound the alarm. 

As horrifying as the oncoming storm was to watch and the feeling of impending danger increased, it was so difficult to put the camera down and go inside. I took several pictures before finally having enough of the opposing lightening strikes. I didn't want toasted like a marshmallow so reluctantly I walked in the house and sat it out. The funnel that formed above our house was rotating and we were all hoping it would pass over us, thankfully it did. Had it decided to touch down we wouldn't have been in the path of destruction, we would have been under it! I feel rather fortunate to have watched this amazing event unfold but found myself thanking God we didn't become part of the 6 oclock' news. God is good!

Catching a falling star

Last night while taking pooh out for his last potty trip I was standing on my front porch staring at the beautiful night  sky as I often do. It was such a peaceful night and the stars were brightly shining overhead. After a brief minute passed I saw a falling star and was shocked at the surreal nature of the moment. God's beauty is always there but we often fail to recognize or appreciate it. It was in that passing thought that I started to recall fond memories of my life and those I love who have gone on to be with the Lord. It's hard to fathom that one day we will all walk together in God's presence but that knowledge is measurably more important to me than anything else in comparison.

I have recently felt compelled to discuss eternal life and salvation with my almost 5 year old. I know that God has been leading me in this but for some reason every time I try, Ian starts to clam up and gets emotional. He is very sensitive and relates heaven to death (not exactly how I want him to perceive it). Though our life here on earth as we know it does end, I have tried to explain the best way I know how that if we know Jesus and have accepted him as our personal savior and are forgiven for our sins, we have eternal life in heaven with those who have also accepted Christ.

When John's grandma died I wasn't sure if I wanted to take Ian to the funeral. Aevan is a little younger and wasn't able to recognize that gram wasn't sleeping but Ian knew that she was with Jesus. John took him up to the casket and explained to him that he didn't have to be sad because Gram was healed and no longer needed her earthly body. He went on to say that even though she lost her legs because she was sick, in heaven she is walking with Jesus and that she is very happy. Ian still cried a little and was understandably upset by the experience but we wanted to be honest and for him to learn that it's okay for us to be sad when we lose a loved one but that we will one day be with them again if we trust the Lord.

Ever since this experience, the conversation of eternal life has been tough to have with Ian. Almost as soon as I bring it up he will hide his face and begin to cry. I really feel like I need to explain it better, in a way that he understands it's okay to discuss. I think that he is afraid that I will leave him one day and he is fearful of me not being here. That really makes me sad because I too feared that a lot since my parents were much older when they had me. My mom was around for a long time (until I was 34) but losing her even then was devastating. Ian has seen me cry and heard me say I miss my mom so perhaps this has influenced his perception of death in a poor way :(

I will be researching some books on this topic but if anyone has some suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate some input on the matter. It has never been my intention to upset my son, I just want him to realize how important it is for him to know the Lord and to have salvation. I love my boys so much pray that God blesses each of them in life but even more so, I pray that one day they will accept the Lord as their personal savior so that when the time comes we will all be together in God's perfect presence.

The River

Driving home tonight it was amazing seeing the river as we passed over the open grate bridge. I was reminded in so many ways how God's love protects, comforts and calms the raging sea during the difficult storms of our lives. One side of the river was flowing roughly and had jagged rocks and rapid flowing current, while the other side was amazingly calm and peaceful. It was a complete contrast, yet in so many ways comparable to life's ups and downs. As beautiful and serene this scene was it did remind of my own struggles, the way that my life has been lately. Even with these struggles I am reminded of God's grace and the way he takes care of us. I have peace just knowing that no matter challenge I am facing each day, God will handle it for me if I fully surrender.

surrender

Isn't it odd that when we feel strangely separated from the outside world, we become more connected to self and God? This past month hasn't been an easy one in light of the many changes. Though change is good it can also be energy consuming and emotionally draining. I have had to deal with several things, most of which are highly demanding and very upsetting recently. It's been tough to stay on top of things and to not allow myself to fall back into old habits. I usually use great caution when dealing with an over abundance of stress but this time, like it or not, it was coming and there was little I could do to avoid it even if I tried. 

I have found that in situations where I cannot do anything, God can and will do everything. Even though a lot of things are falling apart, a lot is falling together and I completely believe that it's because of the Lord. We prayed before considering this move. I even fought back and forth about the negatives and positives of it. At one point I even decided to completely forget about it and walk away until God gave us a clear sign that this was most likely where he wanted us to be. Though I cannot describe the feeling of knowing you're at peace with a completely senseless act, God is in control and is leading the way when we fully trust and obey his will. It's not always easy, it sometimes hurts a little but I know in my heart if I fully surrender to his care, he will never forsake me. :)

sad but necessary....

I have mixed emotions about what will happen this week. For the first time in a very long time I will be returning to work. I always told myself that when I had children I would never work, at least not until they were school aged. Well lets face it, that's not only an improbability these days but most likely a lot of parents will have to (unless they are extremely blessed) do so at some point. I am going to be working midnight's so I'm really praying that I will be fortunate enough to be up and with my children all day until I put them to bed in the evening. I am not working weekends so that is a bonus but I still think I will miss being at home and in bed with my family most nights of the week. I only plan on doing this temporarily until John finds a better paying or 2nd job. I also will continue to be a Thirty-One Consultant and Reliv Distributor. One day my dream is that John and I will both be stay at home parents and that we'll be able to travel and do the things we enjoy not only in the summer but through out the year. I would really like to focus more on my photography and possibly do more with it. I really have been missing the opportunity of being behind the lens and capturing some of God's beautiful creations. My goals are changing but my priorities are the same. God FIRST, family SECOND and job THIRD. That being said, we will see how this work thing goes. If it pans out I will most likely stay for awhile just to gather up some spending money for the summer months. If it doesn't then I'll be booking more shows and lining up some more photography gigs for these next few months to come :)

ramblings of a very tired mommy

Funny how inspiration comes in the midnight hours. I have been up with Ian mostly all night. Poor baby has had a fever and with it comes the talking in his sleep, sleep walking and worried mama. I have been sitting on the couch for nearly 5 hours now afraid to move because he keeps getting out of bed. I have given him Motrin and Tylenol so hopefully that will bring his fever down and he's make it through the night. My throat is finally feeling a little better so that makes me think we're coming to the end of this long rough patch of week. I cannot wait till spring is here and mother nature makes up her mind, seriously.

So we took Aevan to the eye specialist and found out he has to have a procedure done to open his tear ducts. It is done through outpatient surgery and is fairly simple and the doctor thinks that will clear up a lot of this trouble he's been having with infections, etc. I pray it works. I have been nursing the poor kids eyes practically since birth it seems. They are always watering, always sensitive to light and he rubs them constantly.

I have an appointment coming up in a couple of weeks with the oncology and hematology department of West Penn here in Butler. They are going to go over my hemochromatosis diagnosis with me and develop an ongoing treatment and management plan. I'm not looking forward to this new lifestyle but I'm just thankful that I can live a somewhat normal life aside of giving blood for 2 hours every few weeks. That part I'm not so happy about but I can live with it. Eventually we all have to do things in life that are uncomfortable or inconvenient but we shouldn't complain when there are so many others out there who deal with way more than we could ever imagine.

I have been feeling wonderfully blessed and very satisfied with my new found attitude. I have been trying hard to be more positive and to keep my temper under control lately. My triggers are still there but I'm recognizing them more now and can manage them just knowing what they are. John hasn't been bad lately either. In fact he wrote me a very sweet message on Facebook yesterday. He is a wonderful husband and father and I'm proud of him. Well this has been my generic weekly post. I have rambled, no doubt so I apologize. I'm mostly just taking up space with this one.... oh well

challenge accepted!

This has been a great week for me. I am making some positive changes and feel good about what God has been doing in my life. There are a lot of things happening right now but I don't really feel apprehensive or worried, I have faith that it will all work out. At the beginning of the week I started using a program on my fitnesspal.com A friend told me about this sight about a year ago when he first started his weight-loss journey and he has had great success using their program. Like I shared previously, I'm a bit slow to start but slow and steady wins the race, right?


I think that each of us has to reach that point. It's a personal level of I've had enough and I'm going to do something about it. I personally feel like God has placed me here for a reason. It's never easy to deal with health issues but when you're overweight the simplest of things become a struggle. It's embarrassing to say the least. I have compiled a list of reasons why being overweight has been a negative experience in my life. I think that by recognizing how each thing is effecting me, it gives me an even bigger picture of how different my life would be if I were healthier and at a more comfortable weight. 


Before I continue with the list, let me just say that I used to be so embarrassed by my weight and I would have never shared this information with anyone yet alone all of my Facebook and Blog friends. The issue is that there remains such a social stigma regarding obesity and the amount of public ridicule makes it hard for people to be honest about such things. We are bombarded daily by unrealistic expectations regarding body image. The social media has a tremendous impact on how our teens and younger population view appearances. The general assumption is that the skinnier you are the healthier you are. This is far from the truth. Without putting such an emphasis on a number, everyone is an individual and weight doesn't necessarily have to be a standard fit. Your weight should usually be within a certain healthy range but that doesn't mean that someone who is 5'6 and 28 years old should weight the same as someone who is 5'6 large framed and 39 years old. There are always sub-standards. 


Here are some of the reasons that I feel being obese has negatively effected my lifestyle
1. Feeling overwhelmed by my food choices is difficult. I constantly think about what I'm eating and how it's going to effect my weight. It has taken the joy out of eating for me and has replaced it with fear.
2. I am uncomfortable in my clothes. It's hard for me to find something that I actually feel good wearing. I used to enjoy shopping, now I dread it because I know I have to go for that larger size on the rack and most likely I won't like how it looks after I put it on. It's not fun to shop when you can't buy the style of clothes you like to wear. I am a fat girl who enjoys skinny girl clothing. :(
3. Physical activity is a daily challenge. Most parents love to go to amusement parks with their children and enjoy riding rides. Instead of looking forward to and anticipating with joy the reaction of my child's first experiences, I am preoccupied with the thought that I may not fit behind the rides safety bar. Not only is it extremely embarrassing, it's devastating to tell your child you have to leave a ride because you can't fit on it with them when necessary. 
4. Swimming is something that I really enjoy. I love to go to the pool and beach in the summer time. What I don't enjoy is having to find a bathing suit that is large enough to cover all my fluff.
5. Here is one, I will warn you, it may cause you to squirm: Intimacy. There you go, I said it. I have a hard time explaining to my husband that it's NOT his fault, that it's my lack of desire and confidence that causes me to withdrawal. I used to enjoy sex. Now it's become a duty. That my friends is sad. 
6. Alienation: not ALIEN NATION ha ha, but may as well be. I sometimes will stay home instead of enjoying the company of good friends because I have a hard time participating in certain physical activity. I would love to go hiking, bicycling or kayaking. All of these things become difficult when you're a larger size.
7. Fear of disease, lack of self control, low confidence and insomnia all are directly related to my weight. I will go into further detail about each of these things in a future post but for now let me just say this. I do not feel that I have the quality of life that God intended for me. This is mostly due to the poor choices that I have made through out my life. It is what it is and I accept the fault. It is mine, nobody else's. 


This is just a partial list and I'm sure that there are many more reasons to be unhappy about my weight. The most important reason for this post is so that others can maybe recognize that they are not lone in their struggle. God has enlisted me to help other people but before I can help you I have to help myself. Thanks for reading and please leave comments! If you really want to you can create a blog as well and subscribe to mine. Have a very blessed day. ~ Lorie

ready for the road ahead....

I have several posts that I'm working on and some may seem a little out of order but occasionally so am I so it works for me :) There really has been a lot on my mind lately. Finding out that I have a blood disorder has been somewhat surreal for me. Yesterday I pulled up to my mailbox and pulled out the envelope that read the dreaded word oncology. That in itself should be enough to scare me straight to healthy but sometimes I'm a little slow. After I pulled out the pages of papers that are to include my entire life history, health issues and other personal information I came to the realization that this is my do or die moment. I need to take this seriously, this is not something that I can put off or neglect. To do so would certainly bring about serious health complications. I am very fortunate to have been diagnosed early on in the disorder and hopefully knowing that I have hemochromatosis will prevent me from further damaging my organs. What damage the iron has already done can be reversible from this point I'm assuming. I thank God for my doctor who no matter how incompetent and irresponsible I am stays on top of things and doesn't give up on her patients. Dr. Lu is an amazing young woman and her office staff is incredible.

I have never been more determined to get healthy. I think that God has a plan in this journey and that he knew I needed a bigger reason to do what I should have been doing all along. I have a ridiculous amount of weight to lose. You have to start somewhere so I guess I'll start at the beginning and work backwards. I didn't just wake up one day and look in the mirror and see the pretty fat girl staring back. I guess I can't expect change to come easily or over night. It's never easy feeling alone in a journey of this magnitude. I know that there are several of you out there struggling with weight so if you need a buddy I'm all yours. Genuinely certified in crazy and happily pursuing a healthier me.

I will be honest, I had considered gastric bypass early on in this weight challenge but through the years I always felt that if I couldn't do it on my own I would feel like a failure. Some people go through the surgery and do awesome but with me, this is such a personal life long struggle for me that I don't feel like surgery would give me the health results that I'm looking for. I am not saying that surgery isn't the right choice for others, it's just not the right choice for me right now.

I have been blessed in many ways and will continue to thank God daily for the strong faith He has given me. For holding my hand and walking me through so many valleys during the toughest moments of my life. I am certain that he will continually look after me and give me the courage to face this next challenge with courage, honor and commitment. I can already feel some changes taking affect and I'm glad I finally have the desire to make it to the finish line.

Hope will come

I have long contemplated writing a post like this but out of fear I decided to not do so. Funny how God works on you though and once he gets a hold of you.... forget it. You can not fight, just fluidly go along with the direction he's leading you because all the effort you spend trying to flee is futile, he will catch up and when he does, well look out because boy are you in for it. I have spent many years sabotaging my self in weight loss. I don't talk about this to anyone, yet along of Facebook or anywhere else but I'm going to bare my soul and say it right here and now. I have suffered from bulimia and depression for many years now. In fact I have struggled with it since I was a young teen. The bulimia started as a way for me to feel in control of something that was so out of control, my hunger. I have had cravings all of my life. Some of them were so bad at some points I'd have to leave my home or literally fight and cry myself to sleep because I couldn't stand how disgusting it made me feel. I never understood why I had this constant void in the pit of my stomach that just wouldn't go away. I could eat and 15 minutes later I'd be hungry all over again. This combined with my lack of eating, where I'd never eat breakfast, go to school and come home and then gorge myself to death for the next 4-5 hours before finally laying down to sleep and then feel this sickness coming over me I'd have to run to the bathroom and just get rid of it all. It was a horrible feeling, a very deep and dark hole was engulfing me and I had no where to escape it. It followed me through my teens and into early adulthood. I finally met the right guy and we got married and then it happened. I got pregnant. Much to our disbelief I ended up in a hospital bed fighting for my life and almost died of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was in shock. I went from having this almost euphoric high and incredible feeling of wow, I'm going to be someone's mommy to a complete loss and emptiness, none like I had ever felt before in my life. 4 months later I was elated and pregnant again. We were cautiously excited. Then we got the news. We were in Orlando, Florida on vacation when I got the call. They were watching my levels of hormone and discovered that they were no longer growing like they should and that this too was an ectopic pregnancy. I would have to return and promptly have surgery to remove it. I was so devastated, so lost. I had no idea how those few months of 1996 and the 2 pregnancy losses would affect the next 11 years of my life. I started gaining weight and slipping into depression deeper. John had gotten a job in Ohio and we had moved there, we hated it. I was alone when he was at work and had no friends, no family close by and the walls started pushing in on me even harder. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life. Even with John there, it was crushing and my heart was bleeding inside. I started to binge 3, sometimes 4 or even 5 times a day at this point. I lost 60 lbs that summer in only 2 short months. It was killing me. My throat would get really sore. I would get nose bleeds and tell John that it was the dry heat in the apartment. I ended up dehydrated and got real sick. The hospital was conveniently across the street from us and I knew if I needed to I could go if things got too bad. They didn't get to that level but I knew I was slipping away.

One day I was crying horribly. I remember calling John at work and begging, BEGGING him to come home from work and be with me. I didn't want him to leave. I was so scared and so tired of being in that place that I didn't know what I'd do. He had no idea how bad it had gotten until he figured out one evening what I had been doing. He suspected long before but had never confronted me about it. After he left for work one day I was having my usual afternoon date of Springer and Oprah when it hit. I felt the spirit of oppression come over me so strong it was like someone was pressing on my chest and just would not let me catch my breath. It may sound like an anxiety attack to some but I know exactly what it was. It was the devil. He was trying to win me, to kill and destroy me. I found myself on the floor of the apartment crying like a baby in the fetal position. I laid there and just cried for what seemed hours. I then did something that I hadn't done in a very long time. I started to talk to God. I said "Lord, if you are real, I need you like I've never needed you before" please help me. I can't say for certain how much time had passed at this point but I'm guessing 2-3 hours when I started to feel a calmness come over me. I opened my eyes and looked at my door. This was a heavy wooden door that lead to the hallway that led out of our apartment. As I lay there on the floor I was shocked at what I now was looking at. In the grain of the door there was an outline of a cross. I had lived in that apartment for 4 months and never, not once had noticed this. I stood up and just stared at it like I just had an anomaly. God had been there all along. John called later that afternoon and for the first time in a long time I felt this spirit of oppression lift off of me and he came home to an entirely different person than the one he left who was begging him to stay.

Things started to turn around and both John and I came to the conclusion that it was time to leave his job and move back to Pennsylvania. We had enough of Ohio and wanted the support of family and friends. This is where I will leave off but I'll pick back up on my next post. Let me just leave you with this though, God can and will show up when you least expect him to. He may not always make his presence known to you but when he does, you will know it and undeniably feel his love surround you. There is no amount of comfort or love that compares to the love of the Father. He will love you right out of that hole, that sickness or pit of despair. Make no mistake.... he is there!

My view

I have been really missing the lens a lot lately. I took about 6 months off from photography this previous year because I wanted to focus more on what God wants me to do with my gifts. I have always had a great love of art and have dreamed of some day traveling the country just doing what I love and finding neat little places to capture beautiful images. I love history and would really enjoy doing a series of prints on historical   sights in Pennsylvania. We live in such a beautiful place, would be a shame to live here my whole life and not explore it fully. I love the Amish countryside, the beautiful sunset, the little Amish buggies, the cute little boys and girls with their Amish clothing. You do have to be careful to respect the traditions while capturing these images though. Most Amish don't mind as long as you are not taking pictures of faces. It's usually acceptable as long as they are facing the opposite direction of the lens. This is why you will see a lot of Amish photo's with people having their backs to the camera. I think the unique quality of those images are some of the finest of rural artistic photography. I love the candid shots that you can get of people just living daily life. The more rustic and unpropitious the picture the better. Each picture should tell a story. A story of love, a story of hope, courage, honor maybe even a story of loss. This is the most incredible way life is documented. We have some of the most significant stories of time captured by photographers of every walk of life and this is why I love what I do. I have no desire to re-create life I just want to capture it while it takes place. I really can't stand posed photography. In fact I despise it. Walmart, K-Mart, JcPenny's, Sears.... all of those places are good at creating moments of fiction. If you want the best quality and the most memorable pictures, find a photographer who will take pictures of your children in their most natural state. Just watch as their personalities unfold and you will have frozen images of the most precious moments of life.

So that brings me to the short announcement I'm about to make. Through much prayer and careful consideration, I have decided to focus primarily on my photography and to honorably do what it is I feel God created me to do. I am going to start selling copyrighted images that I create through digital production  in an edited format, each an original work. I am creating a website where my photography can be viewed and purchased. I also plan on selling original art pieces at festivals and shows in and around the Pittsburgh and surrounding communities. I will be donating prints to display in several coffee houses and eclectic shops. I am very excited about this new adventure and will keep you all updated. If you wish to view any of my artwork you will soon be able to on my personal facebook business page. I will make this available to the public in early March. Thanks for your support and God Bless!

Use Me

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. The medical nonsense has been making it difficult to really focus on anything else. Seems like our health has been under attack by the enemy. With all of this going on I haven't been taking care of things very well. I've been procrastinating and letting everything pile up which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I did manage to get some laundry done the other day, just wish I could accomplish more. John's surgery is next week so it's important that I get as much done as I can so that I don't get further behind. Today I am going to be playing catch up.

That being said, I haven't been spending enough time in the word. I've been watching TOO much television and neglecting God. Last night I took a few minutes before bed and read some Bible verses. Lately something has been repeating in my mind from a book that I read titled "Made to Crave" by Lysa Turkhurst. "Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. I hadn't realized that this was even a Bible verse. I know what you're thinking and I'm not a Bible scholar by any means but I should have picked up on this because this is just one of many thousands of Bible verses that should stand out for obvious reasons. This is the full verse: "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive 1 Corinthians 10:23. What a great great verse this is. I often need reminded about my inability to do things on my own. It is a character flaw that I possess, always feeling like I can go it alone, never having any one's help. God has been showing me recently that this thought process is unnecessary and counter productive to his plan for my life. John and I both feel a strong calling to be in a service related field. We both feel that calling in our life and that God will use us for his purpose when the time is appropriate. It's not always easy waiting on God's timing. This is something I have learned well through the years of infertility. I can see the reward in retrospect now and know that it's worth the effort. God rewards you for faithfully pursuing what he has called you to do but what if you don't know what that is? 

Not knowing what your purpose is, it's frustrating and sometimes challenging for many reasons. I often feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's like walking a treadmill. You do it because you know it's important to stay on track but all the while you feel like you're standing still and getting nowhere in the process. That's the gerbil affect. I have been asking God to reveal my gifts, to help me recognize where I am needed and where he would like to use me. Up till now, I still don't know where that is and that most certainly has kept me from successfully committing to just one thing. If I do so I'm afraid that I'll chose something wrong, that it won't be the right one thing. Does that make sense? So this week I am committing to learning more about who I am through God's word and I am hoping that He will lead me and show me what it is He would like me to do. Whatever it is, I have no doubt that God will allow me to become successful at it because I only want to glorify Him. This is my desire Lord, to be used by you.

heartfelt honest prayer

My heart has been heavy lately. I will admit that with a lot of emotional baggage, it's been tough to follow through on the details and responsibility of everyday life. Today my child made a comment and though I cannot repeat it, not because it's bad... just for privacy, it worried me. Children are so innocent. They are dependent on us as parents and adults to protect them. What do you do when that trust, that innocence is shaken and betrayed? This happened to someone I care about very deeply but when questions arise how do you explain to a 3 or 4 yr. old child that even though mommy and daddy love them very much and will always protect them when we can, there is evilness in this world and sometimes bad things happen to very good people. I put Ian to sleep tonight with this lump in my throat and sickness in my heart and I just don't know where to begin, how to start the talk. I am praying for God's words, for his guidance and patience in this area. I want to teach my children right. To love them with every ounce of my being. I don't ever want to feel the helplessness, the horrible feeling of betrayal that this person felt. I cannot shake the sinister nature of the acts involved but I can say without fail, this person and this family needs prayer. I do not wish to break confidence so I do not want to share this on facebook. It is my desire to call up my prayer warriors and to ask each of you for ongoing emotional, spiritual and Godly given direction for this friend. I thank you for being faithful and for continuing to read my blog daily. May God bless each of you whether this is through email or other sources. He hears our prayers and honors them. Thank you~ Rae

Savior, He can move some mountains....

There is a purpose for each of us and if you believe that I promise you there is nothing in this world that will keep it from coming to pass. If you know in your heart, because trust me, it has happened to me, God will make it happen. All you have to do is believe and allow him to use you for his purpose. Just be sure when it happens you give God the glory and remember to thank him each day for the blessings in your life.

Many of you may know of my struggle with infertility. John and I tried for 11 years after my ectopic's to become pregnant with no success. We went through 3 failed insemination's at Keesler Air Force base at which point I became even more depressed and almost gave up complete hope. Something was in my heart though and I knew God wasn't finished with me quite yet. You see I kept asking God, why Lord would you put this desire in my heart to be a mother, to have me feel it and desire it so badly that it is slowly eating away at my spirit. If you gave me this desire God I know it's for a purpose and I'm trusting that you will make things right, that you will allow this to happen. I know this because I feel it.

I hung onto that dream, I kept pursuing God and challenging him to show me his greatness. Does that sound awful? Well God desires for us to have faith, for us to continually come before him in prayer. I felt led to the cross each day and I do believe that I prayed every single day for God to use me and for him to answer my prayers. Who was I to debate what God put in my heart so strongly? 

I remember the drugs.... oh the injections. I remember when the IVF nurse said to John he needed to practice like putting a dart in an orange with the needles. I thought, is she nuts???? She has no clue what he could do to me with those things. I was so nervous, so horribly scared of needles and now I had to depend on John to give me 3-6 injections each day for the next several weeks. Well he did great. Every day he would give me my shots and he became a pro at it. I had to give myself 2 a day as well and eventually I got used to doing them. Then the progesterone came.... ah the wicked one! That shot was so horrible and painful each time. You had to massage it and it it went in the butt. I had bruises all over but I did it. The day finally came. I knew in my heart before I even tested. I knew I was pregnant. In fact I felt like the day I came home from the IVF that I was pregnant. My heart just knew. A few days would pass and I started feeling more myself after the procedure. At about a week after I started feeling a strong desire to test. I put it off for another week and on May 18th I bought a home pregnancy test. I was feeling nauseous and knew something was up. Sure enough, it was positive. I called the IVF clinic and they set up an appointment to confirm. John was cautiously excited but upset that I tested so soon. He didn't want me to get my hopes, or his up for nothing. So we went to Walter Reed and had it confirmed. The blood test came back positive. So our journey began. This is where I will leave it. I will pick up from here on my next post. Just remember, when we ask God to move, he will and you better be ready to see him move some mountains! 

Cannot escape the *sillies*

It is decidedly so that I cannot, will not, nor do I desire to escape the randomness of being a mommy to some pretty awesome little boys. They make me smile, they make me laugh, they make my heart melt and each day that I have with them is more precious than the previous. Never in this life do I ever want to forget the love that is so pure that only one being could have ever created, God! There is none more perfect, none more loving, more forgiving or more kind~ What an amazing example he is. I consider myself so blessed. Not more than 5 years ago I wondered if this day would ever arrive and now that it's here I want to savor each incredible moment. It's easy to take life for granted and forget about the little things that go on behind the scenes. There are people hurting, people suffering, people who need love, compassion, understanding, *HOPE* undeniably that is the most overlooked gift that we have to give others. Hope for a better future, a future with our savior. A salvation together with our Lord just the way he intended it to be. A wise man once said "Be ashamed to die until you've scored a victory for mankind" Dr. Theodore Kalogris. What a great statement to make. Another great quote "God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that we try" Mother Theresa. I believe that God instilled grace and dignity into the hearts of these amazing people. He was our primary example of goodness but the Bible tells us that greater works will still be done. In John 14:12 God states; "I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. Do you believe that is possible? I certainly do because it's spoken from the words of the Father.  There is no reason to believe that we cannot change our destiny. It is written in the stars yes, but we can choose to do God's will or turn our backs and live our own. This is an amazing time for us as Christians. You cannot serve God when you are of the world. Turn your back against sin and live the life God created you to live. You will be amazed of the greater things yet to come~ God Bless!

Ready to Roll!

My 2012 Bucket List

3 destinations~ Cruise w/John, visit Canada again, possibly visit G. Sanders in Montreal, Take John and the boys to Tennessee
3 goals~ Get healthy & lose weight (not concentrate on numbers but health and how I feel), build my businesses & help other people start theirs, buy John a new vehicle
3 spiritual goals~ Spend more time with God, Pray daily and often, teach the boys about Jesus each week
3 Priorities~ GOD first, then FAMILY, then WORK in that order!
3 bad habits to break~ biting my nails, DRINK WATER (because I don't), staying up late!
3 good habits to start~ WALK DAILY, CREATE CHORE CARDS, TAKE A TIME OUT WITH BOYS
This is the beginning of my list obviously. I will work on it one day at a time of coarse but it will happen and I will be successful.

Spring Fever

Spring fever has officially hit. I was sitting in my room this morning as the sunshine was glowing through my curtains and it actually felt warm. I love how beautiful it is out today. Almost makes you forget it's only the end of January. This little teaser of warm weather is probably a good thing. I am already in the spring cleaning mood so maybe it will prompt me to get things done. Then again with how nice it is, I'd rather be outside enjoying the day. Either way I am so happy it is nice out and not freezing cold with a foot of snow. Next year won't be quite as bad because we'll be more prepared for it. Problem is that when the township doesn't take care of the main road below us, it makes it very difficult for us to get up our driveway. We are going to invest in a riding lawn mower this spring and get a snow plow for it next fall so that we can do the driveway. Our poor neighbor has been taking his snow blower up and down our lane which is kind of silly to watch but I feel badly for him. It's a pretty long distance to use something like that and I don't really think it's meant for such a large job.

So I have been considering what God has in store for me this year. I will admit that I haven't been patient or proactive in the process of losing weight but this year something is different. I really feel in my heart that God has a special assignment or plan for me. I have waited for a long time to focus on myself and my health. I know that neglecting my health has not been beneficial. It is going to take a long, slow process to reverse the damage at this point but well worth the effort. I think about last year and how horrible I felt that I couldn't do the things that I enjoy with the boys. Taking them to the amusement park, swimming to the playground.... all of those thinks become a struggle when you're my size. It's not easy being at this weight. Not for them and certainly not for me. 2 active little boys for this mama, let's just say God had a big plan in that for sure! He knew I needed a reason to get healthy so that I could just keep up with them. Life is just not as enjoyable when you feel miserable. I am only going on 38 years old. I have a lot of years ahead of me and would love to enjoy the 2nd 1/2 of my life without pain in my joints, numbness and the fear of stroke, heart disease or diabetes. God knows I do not want to follow in my precious mama's footsteps. As much as I love and have fond memories of my mom, the health complications she faced due to obesity could have been controlled, if not cured had she just lost the weight. Sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Dieting really isn't the answer. I have had friends lose a tremendous amount of weight on diets. Problem, they all tend to gain it back and then some. It's such a huge process and really does take a lifetime commitment to keep it from creeping back up. I have learned through the years that if you don't change your eating habits, you can diet all day, every day and still gain weight. Well at least that's my case. My problem is exercise. I need to focus more on activity. Now that we have a dog, I do plan on walking everyday that I can when it's nice enough to do so. There, I just said it.... "If" that's another problem. I should just bundle up and get my warm coat on. As much as I hate winter I could still be walking. I have the Leslie Sansone walking dvd. So excuses, no more. I am ready to get this party started! You could always join me in the getting healthy challenge. :) It's more fun when you have a partner!

Happy Sunday morning everyone! I am up and having a pretty good day so far. I have had a lot to accomplish already and managed to get John to work and boys fed. They are sitting here playing their games now and soon I will dress them and leave. I had a pretty busy weekend and spent a good portion of yesterday morning sitting at the bottom of my driveway. I couldn't make it up the hill because the township apparently doesn't use many guys on the weekends. It was 8:30 before one finally came along and plowed the main rd. That's all I needed really, so that I could punch it at the bottom of the hill to make it up. I was tired, irritable and really didn't feel like dealing with anything else after that mess so I came home and fell back to sleep. Luckily for me the boys were fast asleep when I walked in the house and Kristen was still asleep on the couch. I knew it would be a mess so I had her spend the night so that I could take John to work without having to wake up the boys. It was a good thing I did.

So last night I was talking to my friends and something came up in conversation. I was telling her how I had pulled Ian from preschool because it was really difficult getting him there with only 1 vehicle and John working early mornings. I have been feeling guilty about it because I know he really enjoyed it. I had a couple experiences that I was upset about during our time there but for the most part it was a good experience. I know that in the past I have talked about this and I have found that a lot of people feel very strongly about it. Some feel that homeschooling is bad because they think that kids don't get the socialization or interaction that they need. I have talked to people who have the common misconception that kids who are home schooled are socially awkward or strange. Well let me tell you from my perspective what I have found. I have friends who home-school and their kids are awesome. They are polite, have tons of friends, attend youth group and other activities and enjoy spending time with their family. They aren't missing out on anything from what I can see. In fact, they get to do more activities than most kids their age I think because of the fact that they are home schooled. They will be the first to tell you that they are not missing out because they have friends who attend school who share with them details about what they are going through. Some might think that kids who are home schooled are sheltered but how many kids who attend school get to experience real life events like the march for life and other relevant activities. I have been feeling like God is impressing it on me more so recently to consider this option for my own children. Though I know you may or not agree with me on the issue, I have to do what I feel is best for my children and family. I don't know for certain what I'm going to do and I have some time to consider it more but I will only make the decision after much prayer and conviction. I think a lot more parents would consider this option if they were better educated about it. Don't judge before you talk to kids or parents who do home school. You may be shocked to learn that they are normal, just like you and me.

This has been another insanely crazy day in the McCurry household. I think things are looking up slightly from the previous week but still I'm hesitant to say so. I got a call from the Doctors office saying they would like to send me for more testing, great I say. Apparently my liver enzymes are high again. Well that's assuming that they ever went down. Last year when they took blood work they told me the same thing and I never followed up, my own stupid fault. Well this Doctor isn't overly worried but wants me to have an ultrasound of the abdomen and a few other tests. She also wants me to follow up with endocrinology about my prolactinoma. I am pretty sure that's under control because I haven't had any issues related to it. I have an MRI scheduled for that and all these other tests. I also have a consult with a nutritionist Wednesday. I will have no more excuses to do things my own way. I would like to be pregnant by this time next year hopefully so all of these things need to happen in order for us to have another baby. I don't want to wait any longer. I will be 38 in March and that is plenty old enough. I believe it's time to settle the boys in bed. I'm worn out. I really do need to get a good night of sleep.

Seedlings

Apples don't fall far from the tree, right? Well let this be fruit for thought... an apple tree is grown from a tiny little apple seed which can take up to 10 years to mature. Through out the life of a tree it's faced with numerous pests such as ants, worms, bee's etc. Frankly I never really thought about it but it's quite amazing that we get to enjoy such a large variety of sweet and delicate flavors, my personal favorite "the Pink Lady". Now back to my point before I get too far off track; An apple tree grows slow. So slow in fact that you hardly get any fruit the first few years. Often the few apples that you get tend to be bitter in taste and not very pretty. As the tree grows and matures the apples get larger and produce better bushels. This got my thought process flowing.

We tend to be a little slow in our Christian walk. We start out not bearing much fruit, if any at all. Through time we mature but come across many challenges, sometimes life's ups and downs become unbearable. The more you trust the Lord the more you bare good fruit. You may get bruised, you may find the enemy trying to destroy you but if you stay strong in the Lord I promise he will overcome any challenge you face in life. I have seen great friends become awesome examples of Christians woman in my life. I know that God has placed them in my own to encourage, support and love me through the rough patches. One day I will produce amazing fruit. Just like that shiny green apple in all it's sweetness. I know you can too!

Silly randomness

I have been experiencing writers block now for the past 2 evenings. This is so unlike me and for anyone who knows me well at all, it's almost frightening. Words generally come so easily to me, like butter rolling off a spoon. Okay well that analogy is probably a little overzealous but not far from the truth. I have been journaling practically my whole life. It got me in to some trouble when I was a young girl, especially when my diaries became public or were invaded by silly boys or a mama hen who thought her daughter was acting out and that there had to be good reason. It calms my nerves, helps me to vent and in the most simplest of terms is therapeutic. Life gets so crazy, I rarely have time to breath during the day, by the time I get the boys to bed I'm so exhausted all I want to do is relax. I often will pick up a good book and read through 1/2 of it in one night. If I feel the creative juices flowing I will pick up a pen, well more often than not the laptop these days and begin to write.

At the beginning of this new year of 2012 I made several promises to myself. Not goals because I often believe if you call them that, you're automatically setting yourself up for failure. One of the many promises I made was to spend more time doing things that I enjoy. I plan to stick with that one, hence why I'm sitting here writing this evening. I will be appreciative of my family, friends and even more importantly of God and the blessings he has graced me with. I love my life, even the wacky and silly moments that pop up in the spirit of raising 2 crazy little boys. I cannot imagine being anyone else but who God made me to be. That also bringing me to the next promise to love myself, be myself and embrace the woman that I am yet to become. I know that God is still working on me and just knowing that makes me feel pretty darn special. The pressure is off, I will only write when I feel the desire, not the need to please.... I will write about silly and sometimes bizarre topics like John whistling in his sleep and saying out loud *lay down here* by the way~ that was seriously random but honestly just happened. Life is full of many complexities but do we really need to pick them apart? Enjoy each moment. Laugh till your belly hurts or bum toots... I don't mind. As long as you're not sitting beside me when it does, it's all good.