pain... eeeeeek

There really isn't a moment lately where I've felt completely, I mean 100% well. I kind of expect that since I'm getting a little older but this feeling, this crippling pain is wearing on me. My joints, muscles, every fiber of my being hurts. It's almost as if touching me is like sticking a hot skillet on my bare skin, I wretch at the very gesture. Sadly the boys tend to be very careful the way they sit on my leg's, the way they hug or grab me because they have gotten so used to me saying, ouch or that hurts... I hate that I can't do normal things like exercise and walk on a daily basis because of the pain. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little hopeless without insurance that this is going to end anytime soon. The insurance the post office offers, well it sucks right now until John gets a career position. Not only does it barely cover necessities, anything serious and forget it, it's mostly out of pocket. Hardly worth the paper it's written on. We were very disappointed but hey, it's kind of expected. The government employee's used to be well take care of but even when John was in the Marine Corp, although most the major medical was covered, there were additional things like dental and vision we had to pay. 

I haven't seen my hematologist for over a year & 1/2 because I have no insurance. Haven't had a treatment since a year ago in March, hence the horrible fibromylgia  flair ups. The overload of iron causes me to have migraine's and muscle, joint and nerve pain when it's high. My treatment's should be free with Central Blood Bank but since my Dr. left the practice I have to see someone else who is unfamiliar with my history and that will require an extensive work up and blood work in order to facilitate the blood bank the necessary treatment plan and schedule for my phlebotomy's. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. The ladies at the clinic keep telling me I have to apply for disability so that I stop going without my treatments but honestly, I'd rather just get some kind of temporary insurance until John's work provides us with better options but time is running out... Hemochromatosis is progressive and without therapeutic treatment's it will kill me eventually. I will suffer from organ failure, the big C or pancreatic issue's, liver failure etc. I cannot put my kids through that. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm at a point where options are limited and I'm going to do something one way or another. I cannot live like this any longer :( 

Lead me...

It always amazes me how quickly time passes when you have so very little to spare. Something always needs done, just one more project, one more commitment or detail needs finalized. Lately I have felt paralyzed with fear because these moments are all so precious, I want to capture each one in still frame and ingrain them in my memory forever. Of coarse that's not possible but the photographer part of me says "Just one last shot", "Get that smile", make it count! The mom part of me just wants to crawl into a corner and cry like the baby I am. I just know that I'm going to be the sobbing mom everyone laughs at during each 1st moment and every last milestone and that's okay, I'm fine with the label. I just want my boys to know always how very proud they make me and how blessed I feel being their mom. 

I think about the memories I treasure now, maybe silly little things, mundane in the big picture but precious, no less, that I have of my own mom. Things that she would do or say, gracious to a fault and beautiful in every way... and I just know that all those moments, all those goofy details she used to fret over, well now I'm the one, I am guilty of the same motherly trait's that she passed on to me. Just knowing that I have a part of her with me in that way makes me smile. My mom took care of everyone and everything. She loved so unconditionally that sometime, no, all the time, I wondered how God ever created someone so perfect, without fault (to me) and angelic in almost every way. Boy did I hit the mom lottery :)

So yes, these days are fading but with each one that passes there is a new adventure just ahead around the corner. I'm certain that I will make mistakes, I will likely make many but I will never, not even for a second, take for granted the amazing life that I've been given and that no matter if I'm here for a day or till I'm 100 years old I will never regret any mistake or decision that has brought me to this point.