Do you ever wonder why you even try... Intelligent people would learn by experience, move on and remove the toxic influences from their life. Wouldn't they? What's wrong with me then, why do I continually allow certain people the ability to rip my heart into pieces over and over without consequence? I understand that forgiveness is only meant to be a tool of redemption but in this instance it's more of a crutch and a way of manipulating me into accepting an apology that should end with parting of ways but somehow never does.
All that is within me screams foul play, that there really isn't goodness left in this persons heart. I hear this other (tiny me) saying let's be optimistic, give them one more chance and then it's done. All this person needs to say is 2 little words that I only hear on rare occasions "I'm sorry" and it's red light green light all over again on this insane roller coaster. I hate that I'm such a fool, such a push over. There is little help for one who can't help them self.
So it continues on... The cycle. Nothing gained, only lost because every time I allow this to happen I lose a little piece of me, my dignity and self esteem all fallen. No restoration, only fear. Fear of the fall out. I always experience depression after these episodes because yet again I've done the unthinkable. I've allowed myself to be a pawn, someone's personal door mat. The message I'm sending is loud and clear, I'm an easy target so go ahead pick me and why not? What's stopping them.
