I hate re-visiting old guilt. Feeling like I can't get past a certain moment in time as it replays like a bad 80's tune over and over in my mind. Do you have a memory, something that you know isn't healthy but you just can't let it go? Yeah, well that's the sort of thing that I'm talking about. There are people in our life that no matter how much we care or love, they remain toxic. If we keep them in our circle we often end up getting hurt by something that they say or do. It's really hard to let go of someone you care about. I've entrusted my heart with this individual so many times and each time I've been disappointed or let down, 1 way or another.
I think part of me holds on to that memory because letting go would mean moving on. It would mean having to admit that I'm growing older and that things of the past should remain there for a reason. We make so many mistakes in our youth, back then it was easy to get away with and people understood because you were more impulsive, making decisions that were often more spontaneous without thinking through the consequences.
I remember making bad choices but the outcome never seemed as awful looking back. At the time I'm sure it seemed to have horrible implications and maybe felt less forgiving but when I think about what all I got away with, now I feel guilty that I wasn't more careful about not hurting those that I loved along they way.
You know some times when the warm summer breezes return and there's a certain aroma in the air, it brings me back to those moments. I begin to think of a different place in time. It makes me return to those days long past, to times that were perhaps less complicated. I remember sitting on the dock out at Moraine missing old friends. I would sit there, alone for hours and write in my journal about my dreams, old memories, new passions. You were always there, right at the edge of my memory and constantly haunting my every thought.
Even after the pain, the good thoughts return. I can't seem to shake the desire to re-establish the connection. Letting go should be easy, should never feel impossible but still, it does. I cannot get past those memories. The illusion remains, I still long for those moments when I felt significant. Having the knowledge that I mattered at some point, that you cared maybe just a little even, it validates me in some way. Makes me feel more memorable. As much as I'd like to forget, doing so would remove a big part of who I am today. So I'll hold onto those old thoughts for memories sake, I'll try to look past the painful thoughts of you and remember the ones that bring only smiles. When you think of me send me love and light then release me.
