*Blessed*

Wonderful creator, mighty King... my love my comforter, my everything. God has been so generous of his patience, love and understanding. I haven't been fully aware of how much so but last night I started to think about all of the opportunities I have been privileged to experience lately and feel amazingly blessed. Even when we are not aware of it, God is at work in our lives. He knows everything, our dreams, our desires, even our pain. I personally am not good at expressing myself and my hurt to God. When I'm feeling disappointment or discouraged I typically withdrawal from the world and keep to myself. I've been working on that a lot recently and have started to pray more when I feel this way. It's uplifting on so many levels. I never knew how intimately God wanted to know me. Now that I'm older and understand a little more about what salvation means, I'm learning to let go of some control that I was holding onto for so long and it's been a gift. That tremendous burden I have been carrying for so long was keeping me from growing in my spiritual journey. Now I feel like I can move on and continue down the path God is leading me. What a great journey it is indeed. I look forward to walking with Christ on a daily basis and am so very thankful for my Savior. <3

and if my God is for me, then who can ever stop me?

This has been a very crazy month, so many things going on and all at once it seems. I have been struggling a lot with time management and just feeling exhausted a lot of the time. I haven't been keeping up with my treatments either, this is something that I have to change, I know. How I feel completely changes my attitude. When I'm feeling as horrible as I do right now somethings got to give. I really do need to take better care of myself. I am afraid of what will happen if I don't make that a priority. I'm turning 39 in only a little over a week and I fear that I won't be here to see my babies graduate if I don't focus on getting myself healthier. That's a very scary statement but one that has certainly brought me to tears just thinking about. All my childhood I remember wanting my mom to get healthy, praying that she would lose weight so that she could be healthier and be around when I had kids one day. My biggest fear became a reality when I lost her at only 70 years old. I can only imagine that had she lost the weight and became healthier, it most likely would have added many more years to her life. I do not want to leave that legacy for my children. I would love to live a long life and see my children do amazing things and meet my grandchildren or great grand kids. I know we are not promised tomorrow but thinking about those golden years certainly warms my heart and makes me feel joy.

The weight has always been an issue. I carry it around like the evil devil on my shoulder, as the angel sits on the other side telling me, do this not that... don't eat that, you know you want it... ugh. I have struggled so long with this issue. I just want released of it. Yet I haven't in so many years that I can recall even prayed about it. I don't even recall asking God to remove the sinful nature that I have to over indulge. Why? Well I'm not really sure. Maybe it's the shame factor. I know that's silly because the Lord sees all of my struggles daily. Why would he be upset with me over this 1 simple thing that has plagued me my entire life? There really are no excuses. My God is bigger than any struggle that I face and he can and will move mountains for me, if I'm bold enough in my faith to speak the words. I plan on praying daily about this. I'm making a list of daily prayers and this will be high on my own prayer commitment. Thank God I have a savior who cares enough about me to be there for me through it all. I never recognized how truly powerful that is. :)

*Only Love Remains*

Where has this year gone? I feel like I blinked and it is the middle of February already. I really hope this isn't a sign of what is to come for the next 15-20 years. The thought of my babies growing so quickly makes me want to freeze time and just take a deep breath to enjoy the simpleness that we so often take for granted. Yes, there are a few things that tend to bog us down and we experience some rough spots along the road but really, what is more important than spending time with those we love and enjoying the company of good friends and family?

Grandma Bubba passed away peacefully yesterday and I can't help but to feel a great loss because of the wonderful woman that she was. A constant figure of grace and love among even the most chaotic presence... all the kids, fighting, laughter, tears... she was there to witness it all and never judged, never got angry or bitter. She endured the boys running in her room and playing with her things and entertained them with balls or whatever else she could find. She would slip money in their pockets and send them home with smiles. We will surely miss her but we are so full of love just having been blessed with her presence in our lives.

Ian has been very emotional, he doesn't do well with death or loss but I have been praying for him and talking to him about it openly hoping that any fears that he has, he will openly discuss with us. He is such an emotionally sensitive child, I have no idea why lol. I am most likely to blame but I am proud of how awesome Ian loves. He is empathetic and loving to animals and people alike. We have to be careful what he see's on television or what he hears because he often takes on the cares of the world. I love both of my babies so much. I wish I could shield them from pain forever. Alas, it is our jobs as parents to share the love and peace that Jesus offers us so I find myself doing so more passionately lately in the hopes that it will cause him to reflect upon Bubba's passing in a way that is more positive. Please keep us in prayer this weekend as we prepare to say our "See ya laters". <3

*Nostalgia*

As our 17th anniversary approaches I am feeling nostalgic this week. I remember so many details of our 1st date including the thought that I would most likely never go out with John again. Thank goodness I didn't base my future off of that 1st impression :) If I had, where would we be now? John was 18 and had just graduated from Richland High School (which is now Richland Elementary). They built a new high school that has since been referred as Pine Richland. I only mention that because John says, Richland wasn't good enough for the rich folk that now control most of the real estate in the Northern Allegheny county area.

John was nervous, well that may even be an understatement. I remember he had forgotten to take his thyroid medication and was acting like it was some major ordeal. He acted like he might of had a melt down without it and I found it to be a little over the top. He had just been diagnosed with the under active thyroid when he was in a serious auto accident that April. Jeannie, who was one of my good friends at the time was a 2nd cousin of John's father (which is how we met) and decided to come along with us for the day and seemed to enjoy poking fun at John about his little quirks. John was not so enthused :) We decided to start out going to Eat n Park for lunch. I was working there at the time so mostly everyone there knew me and came over to say hi. The waitress at the time was Barb Emery, such a sweet lady (who has since passed away). I will never forget her comment that day. She said you look like such a wonderful couple. I know you will get married and have babies. I laughed and thought sure... that's going to happen. Long story short, she waited on us 1 yr. later as a newly engaged couple.

We left Eat n Park and went to McConnell's Mills State Park. It was beautiful that day so we walked along the trails where I sat on a bench with Jeannie and talked while John threw rocks into the water. I remember laughing and thinking "This boy is crazy". After the date was over I wasn't sure I'd ever hear from John again, nor was I sure I wanted to. I didn't think he was interested because he was certainly distracted during the date and didn't pay much attention to me. Looking back I don't even know if he talked to me more than a few times during the entire date. I think having Jeannie made him nervous because he knew she was my friend.

A couple days later John called and we talked on the phone for a long time. This was shocking because during the date we hardly talked at all. We continued to talk on the phone all week and eventually he ended up asking me out again only this time, just by ourselves. We dated for several times before he finally got up the nerve to even hold my hand or kiss me. I remember saying to his friend Mike, "am I not kissable" because he hadn't even attempted. Mike assured me John was very shy and would get around to it. It took about 6 dates before it happened. I was determined not to make the 1st move.

So here we are after getting engaged 1 year into our relationship and now 20 years later, 17 years of marriage and 2 beautiful boys. The point of this entire post is that we shouldn't always go off of our 1st instincts. A lot of events transpired between 1993 and 2013 but we're here, we're together and we will continue to bless each other's lives as long as God intends <3