Hope will come

I have long contemplated writing a post like this but out of fear I decided to not do so. Funny how God works on you though and once he gets a hold of you.... forget it. You can not fight, just fluidly go along with the direction he's leading you because all the effort you spend trying to flee is futile, he will catch up and when he does, well look out because boy are you in for it. I have spent many years sabotaging my self in weight loss. I don't talk about this to anyone, yet along of Facebook or anywhere else but I'm going to bare my soul and say it right here and now. I have suffered from bulimia and depression for many years now. In fact I have struggled with it since I was a young teen. The bulimia started as a way for me to feel in control of something that was so out of control, my hunger. I have had cravings all of my life. Some of them were so bad at some points I'd have to leave my home or literally fight and cry myself to sleep because I couldn't stand how disgusting it made me feel. I never understood why I had this constant void in the pit of my stomach that just wouldn't go away. I could eat and 15 minutes later I'd be hungry all over again. This combined with my lack of eating, where I'd never eat breakfast, go to school and come home and then gorge myself to death for the next 4-5 hours before finally laying down to sleep and then feel this sickness coming over me I'd have to run to the bathroom and just get rid of it all. It was a horrible feeling, a very deep and dark hole was engulfing me and I had no where to escape it. It followed me through my teens and into early adulthood. I finally met the right guy and we got married and then it happened. I got pregnant. Much to our disbelief I ended up in a hospital bed fighting for my life and almost died of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was in shock. I went from having this almost euphoric high and incredible feeling of wow, I'm going to be someone's mommy to a complete loss and emptiness, none like I had ever felt before in my life. 4 months later I was elated and pregnant again. We were cautiously excited. Then we got the news. We were in Orlando, Florida on vacation when I got the call. They were watching my levels of hormone and discovered that they were no longer growing like they should and that this too was an ectopic pregnancy. I would have to return and promptly have surgery to remove it. I was so devastated, so lost. I had no idea how those few months of 1996 and the 2 pregnancy losses would affect the next 11 years of my life. I started gaining weight and slipping into depression deeper. John had gotten a job in Ohio and we had moved there, we hated it. I was alone when he was at work and had no friends, no family close by and the walls started pushing in on me even harder. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life. Even with John there, it was crushing and my heart was bleeding inside. I started to binge 3, sometimes 4 or even 5 times a day at this point. I lost 60 lbs that summer in only 2 short months. It was killing me. My throat would get really sore. I would get nose bleeds and tell John that it was the dry heat in the apartment. I ended up dehydrated and got real sick. The hospital was conveniently across the street from us and I knew if I needed to I could go if things got too bad. They didn't get to that level but I knew I was slipping away.

One day I was crying horribly. I remember calling John at work and begging, BEGGING him to come home from work and be with me. I didn't want him to leave. I was so scared and so tired of being in that place that I didn't know what I'd do. He had no idea how bad it had gotten until he figured out one evening what I had been doing. He suspected long before but had never confronted me about it. After he left for work one day I was having my usual afternoon date of Springer and Oprah when it hit. I felt the spirit of oppression come over me so strong it was like someone was pressing on my chest and just would not let me catch my breath. It may sound like an anxiety attack to some but I know exactly what it was. It was the devil. He was trying to win me, to kill and destroy me. I found myself on the floor of the apartment crying like a baby in the fetal position. I laid there and just cried for what seemed hours. I then did something that I hadn't done in a very long time. I started to talk to God. I said "Lord, if you are real, I need you like I've never needed you before" please help me. I can't say for certain how much time had passed at this point but I'm guessing 2-3 hours when I started to feel a calmness come over me. I opened my eyes and looked at my door. This was a heavy wooden door that lead to the hallway that led out of our apartment. As I lay there on the floor I was shocked at what I now was looking at. In the grain of the door there was an outline of a cross. I had lived in that apartment for 4 months and never, not once had noticed this. I stood up and just stared at it like I just had an anomaly. God had been there all along. John called later that afternoon and for the first time in a long time I felt this spirit of oppression lift off of me and he came home to an entirely different person than the one he left who was begging him to stay.

Things started to turn around and both John and I came to the conclusion that it was time to leave his job and move back to Pennsylvania. We had enough of Ohio and wanted the support of family and friends. This is where I will leave off but I'll pick back up on my next post. Let me just leave you with this though, God can and will show up when you least expect him to. He may not always make his presence known to you but when he does, you will know it and undeniably feel his love surround you. There is no amount of comfort or love that compares to the love of the Father. He will love you right out of that hole, that sickness or pit of despair. Make no mistake.... he is there!

My view

I have been really missing the lens a lot lately. I took about 6 months off from photography this previous year because I wanted to focus more on what God wants me to do with my gifts. I have always had a great love of art and have dreamed of some day traveling the country just doing what I love and finding neat little places to capture beautiful images. I love history and would really enjoy doing a series of prints on historical   sights in Pennsylvania. We live in such a beautiful place, would be a shame to live here my whole life and not explore it fully. I love the Amish countryside, the beautiful sunset, the little Amish buggies, the cute little boys and girls with their Amish clothing. You do have to be careful to respect the traditions while capturing these images though. Most Amish don't mind as long as you are not taking pictures of faces. It's usually acceptable as long as they are facing the opposite direction of the lens. This is why you will see a lot of Amish photo's with people having their backs to the camera. I think the unique quality of those images are some of the finest of rural artistic photography. I love the candid shots that you can get of people just living daily life. The more rustic and unpropitious the picture the better. Each picture should tell a story. A story of love, a story of hope, courage, honor maybe even a story of loss. This is the most incredible way life is documented. We have some of the most significant stories of time captured by photographers of every walk of life and this is why I love what I do. I have no desire to re-create life I just want to capture it while it takes place. I really can't stand posed photography. In fact I despise it. Walmart, K-Mart, JcPenny's, Sears.... all of those places are good at creating moments of fiction. If you want the best quality and the most memorable pictures, find a photographer who will take pictures of your children in their most natural state. Just watch as their personalities unfold and you will have frozen images of the most precious moments of life.

So that brings me to the short announcement I'm about to make. Through much prayer and careful consideration, I have decided to focus primarily on my photography and to honorably do what it is I feel God created me to do. I am going to start selling copyrighted images that I create through digital production  in an edited format, each an original work. I am creating a website where my photography can be viewed and purchased. I also plan on selling original art pieces at festivals and shows in and around the Pittsburgh and surrounding communities. I will be donating prints to display in several coffee houses and eclectic shops. I am very excited about this new adventure and will keep you all updated. If you wish to view any of my artwork you will soon be able to on my personal facebook business page. I will make this available to the public in early March. Thanks for your support and God Bless!

Use Me

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately. The medical nonsense has been making it difficult to really focus on anything else. Seems like our health has been under attack by the enemy. With all of this going on I haven't been taking care of things very well. I've been procrastinating and letting everything pile up which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I did manage to get some laundry done the other day, just wish I could accomplish more. John's surgery is next week so it's important that I get as much done as I can so that I don't get further behind. Today I am going to be playing catch up.

That being said, I haven't been spending enough time in the word. I've been watching TOO much television and neglecting God. Last night I took a few minutes before bed and read some Bible verses. Lately something has been repeating in my mind from a book that I read titled "Made to Crave" by Lysa Turkhurst. "Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. I hadn't realized that this was even a Bible verse. I know what you're thinking and I'm not a Bible scholar by any means but I should have picked up on this because this is just one of many thousands of Bible verses that should stand out for obvious reasons. This is the full verse: "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive 1 Corinthians 10:23. What a great great verse this is. I often need reminded about my inability to do things on my own. It is a character flaw that I possess, always feeling like I can go it alone, never having any one's help. God has been showing me recently that this thought process is unnecessary and counter productive to his plan for my life. John and I both feel a strong calling to be in a service related field. We both feel that calling in our life and that God will use us for his purpose when the time is appropriate. It's not always easy waiting on God's timing. This is something I have learned well through the years of infertility. I can see the reward in retrospect now and know that it's worth the effort. God rewards you for faithfully pursuing what he has called you to do but what if you don't know what that is? 

Not knowing what your purpose is, it's frustrating and sometimes challenging for many reasons. I often feel like I'm spinning my wheels. It's like walking a treadmill. You do it because you know it's important to stay on track but all the while you feel like you're standing still and getting nowhere in the process. That's the gerbil affect. I have been asking God to reveal my gifts, to help me recognize where I am needed and where he would like to use me. Up till now, I still don't know where that is and that most certainly has kept me from successfully committing to just one thing. If I do so I'm afraid that I'll chose something wrong, that it won't be the right one thing. Does that make sense? So this week I am committing to learning more about who I am through God's word and I am hoping that He will lead me and show me what it is He would like me to do. Whatever it is, I have no doubt that God will allow me to become successful at it because I only want to glorify Him. This is my desire Lord, to be used by you.

heartfelt honest prayer

My heart has been heavy lately. I will admit that with a lot of emotional baggage, it's been tough to follow through on the details and responsibility of everyday life. Today my child made a comment and though I cannot repeat it, not because it's bad... just for privacy, it worried me. Children are so innocent. They are dependent on us as parents and adults to protect them. What do you do when that trust, that innocence is shaken and betrayed? This happened to someone I care about very deeply but when questions arise how do you explain to a 3 or 4 yr. old child that even though mommy and daddy love them very much and will always protect them when we can, there is evilness in this world and sometimes bad things happen to very good people. I put Ian to sleep tonight with this lump in my throat and sickness in my heart and I just don't know where to begin, how to start the talk. I am praying for God's words, for his guidance and patience in this area. I want to teach my children right. To love them with every ounce of my being. I don't ever want to feel the helplessness, the horrible feeling of betrayal that this person felt. I cannot shake the sinister nature of the acts involved but I can say without fail, this person and this family needs prayer. I do not wish to break confidence so I do not want to share this on facebook. It is my desire to call up my prayer warriors and to ask each of you for ongoing emotional, spiritual and Godly given direction for this friend. I thank you for being faithful and for continuing to read my blog daily. May God bless each of you whether this is through email or other sources. He hears our prayers and honors them. Thank you~ Rae

Savior, He can move some mountains....

There is a purpose for each of us and if you believe that I promise you there is nothing in this world that will keep it from coming to pass. If you know in your heart, because trust me, it has happened to me, God will make it happen. All you have to do is believe and allow him to use you for his purpose. Just be sure when it happens you give God the glory and remember to thank him each day for the blessings in your life.

Many of you may know of my struggle with infertility. John and I tried for 11 years after my ectopic's to become pregnant with no success. We went through 3 failed insemination's at Keesler Air Force base at which point I became even more depressed and almost gave up complete hope. Something was in my heart though and I knew God wasn't finished with me quite yet. You see I kept asking God, why Lord would you put this desire in my heart to be a mother, to have me feel it and desire it so badly that it is slowly eating away at my spirit. If you gave me this desire God I know it's for a purpose and I'm trusting that you will make things right, that you will allow this to happen. I know this because I feel it.

I hung onto that dream, I kept pursuing God and challenging him to show me his greatness. Does that sound awful? Well God desires for us to have faith, for us to continually come before him in prayer. I felt led to the cross each day and I do believe that I prayed every single day for God to use me and for him to answer my prayers. Who was I to debate what God put in my heart so strongly? 

I remember the drugs.... oh the injections. I remember when the IVF nurse said to John he needed to practice like putting a dart in an orange with the needles. I thought, is she nuts???? She has no clue what he could do to me with those things. I was so nervous, so horribly scared of needles and now I had to depend on John to give me 3-6 injections each day for the next several weeks. Well he did great. Every day he would give me my shots and he became a pro at it. I had to give myself 2 a day as well and eventually I got used to doing them. Then the progesterone came.... ah the wicked one! That shot was so horrible and painful each time. You had to massage it and it it went in the butt. I had bruises all over but I did it. The day finally came. I knew in my heart before I even tested. I knew I was pregnant. In fact I felt like the day I came home from the IVF that I was pregnant. My heart just knew. A few days would pass and I started feeling more myself after the procedure. At about a week after I started feeling a strong desire to test. I put it off for another week and on May 18th I bought a home pregnancy test. I was feeling nauseous and knew something was up. Sure enough, it was positive. I called the IVF clinic and they set up an appointment to confirm. John was cautiously excited but upset that I tested so soon. He didn't want me to get my hopes, or his up for nothing. So we went to Walter Reed and had it confirmed. The blood test came back positive. So our journey began. This is where I will leave it. I will pick up from here on my next post. Just remember, when we ask God to move, he will and you better be ready to see him move some mountains! 

Cannot escape the *sillies*

It is decidedly so that I cannot, will not, nor do I desire to escape the randomness of being a mommy to some pretty awesome little boys. They make me smile, they make me laugh, they make my heart melt and each day that I have with them is more precious than the previous. Never in this life do I ever want to forget the love that is so pure that only one being could have ever created, God! There is none more perfect, none more loving, more forgiving or more kind~ What an amazing example he is. I consider myself so blessed. Not more than 5 years ago I wondered if this day would ever arrive and now that it's here I want to savor each incredible moment. It's easy to take life for granted and forget about the little things that go on behind the scenes. There are people hurting, people suffering, people who need love, compassion, understanding, *HOPE* undeniably that is the most overlooked gift that we have to give others. Hope for a better future, a future with our savior. A salvation together with our Lord just the way he intended it to be. A wise man once said "Be ashamed to die until you've scored a victory for mankind" Dr. Theodore Kalogris. What a great statement to make. Another great quote "God doesn't require us to succeed, he only requires that we try" Mother Theresa. I believe that God instilled grace and dignity into the hearts of these amazing people. He was our primary example of goodness but the Bible tells us that greater works will still be done. In John 14:12 God states; "I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. Do you believe that is possible? I certainly do because it's spoken from the words of the Father.  There is no reason to believe that we cannot change our destiny. It is written in the stars yes, but we can choose to do God's will or turn our backs and live our own. This is an amazing time for us as Christians. You cannot serve God when you are of the world. Turn your back against sin and live the life God created you to live. You will be amazed of the greater things yet to come~ God Bless!

Ready to Roll!

My 2012 Bucket List

3 destinations~ Cruise w/John, visit Canada again, possibly visit G. Sanders in Montreal, Take John and the boys to Tennessee
3 goals~ Get healthy & lose weight (not concentrate on numbers but health and how I feel), build my businesses & help other people start theirs, buy John a new vehicle
3 spiritual goals~ Spend more time with God, Pray daily and often, teach the boys about Jesus each week
3 Priorities~ GOD first, then FAMILY, then WORK in that order!
3 bad habits to break~ biting my nails, DRINK WATER (because I don't), staying up late!
3 good habits to start~ WALK DAILY, CREATE CHORE CARDS, TAKE A TIME OUT WITH BOYS
This is the beginning of my list obviously. I will work on it one day at a time of coarse but it will happen and I will be successful.