"A Mothers Love"

Earlier this evening Ian came out from his room (about 3 hours had passed since bedtime). I asked him what he was doing since I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and he quietly said "I wanted to come out here". He was still 1/2 asleep and fell into my arms as I cradled him like a newborn. As I held him I silently watched him slumber like a baby and memories flooded my heart of the very first moments I experienced as a mother. I remember the whole 9 months, the fertility injections, the progesterone shots, the bruises and the implantation procedure. All of the medically necessary techniques that enabled me to become someones mommy but even more so, I remember the moment. The very first moment when I left the hospital, came home, laid in bed and prayed. I never prayed harder in my life. I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted just 1 little seed, 1 of  3 to grow, to implant and become my own little miracle. Within days it seemed I knew. My heart felt it, the changes were incredibly suttle but I knew. 2 weeks seemed an eternity, waiting, anticipating and praying our hearts would not be broken once more. 11 long years and finally, finally... a + sign. My heart was so full, so entirely filled with joy that it almost felt unrealistic. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news. She was cautiously excited. She knew our previous heartache's.

I remember the doctors concern about you being behind in growth by about 2 weeks. How I prayed that each new appointment would bring better news and that you were growing stronger, healthier. I felt so helpless, I didn't understand why you were so small still. At 34 weeks you came into this world and changed my own forever. My little blond haired, blue eyed baby boy. You were our 16 inch little prince. It was instant love. Seeing you for the first time hooked up to all those wires, the machine that was breathing for you, it was devastating. I prayed for God to bring you through it. The first 24-48 hours were incredibly difficult for me, it was the most critical. It would be a little while before I could hold you in my arms. Each visit to the NICU made my heart bleed, I wanted to make you better, hold you, bond with you and place you close to my heart. The day finally arrived when I could hold my precious son. So tiny, your little fingers could barely grasp my pinkie but I felt God saying "someday he will hold you in his arms".

Now as I held you this evening in my arms, your heart close to mind, I cannot imagine my life without you. God has blessed me so greatly with 2 healthy, beautiful boys. Each day with you is a miracle. There is nothing in this life more important than the love that God has given me for each of you. I pray that I can somehow enrich your life. That I am able to instill Godly value's and morals in your heart. I feel that the most important task I have is to help mold you into the precious young man God intends for each of you to be. I don't always know what I'm doing, I'm not perfect in any way. I hope one day when you are much older you will recognize the importance of each moment and not in any way ever give up hope. I promise you that even  though there will be troubles in this life, I will always be here for you and will always provide you loving arms, shelter from the storms and a constant faith in God's plan to prosper you. I love you my sweet boy. Love mom.

"June Cleaver Routine"

A moment of reflection has given me new perspective and insight about where I am right now at this point in my life. I certainly never dreamed I'd be facing the same challenges that I have been for nearly all of my life but yet here I am at this crossroads and I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. My mother's health deteriorated greatly after having children. She went from a very petite frame and weighing barely 100 lbs. to gaining a tremendous amount of weight after 5 kids. Call it stress, heredity, what you will. The point is, she felt overwhelmed, tired and emotionally drained, all of the things that I feel every day, that most mom's feel. Being a stay at home mother has tremendous rewards, but in those rewards, there are moments of insanity, moments where I wish I were on a deserted beach laying in the sand as the ocean's waves crash against the shore rocking me to sleep. Oh yes, the inevitable calgon commercial, that's the one. 

I think that the expectations are elevated a little today in comparison with previous generations where mothers were at home and expected to cook, clean, parent and look pretty. Now there is so much emphasis on career, goals, education, etc. that it's hard to figure out where you're supposed to fit into the gene pool yet alone as a mother, wife and provider. 

I pray everyday for an opportunity to help my husband provide for our family. I don't like that he has to work long hard hours for what seems squat at times but this is life and each of us have a role to play in it. I pray that when I go to bed at night I recognize the importance of each smile, each kiss and every little I love you spoken among my sweet little family. My boys are a blessing, my husband a saint and me, I'm just a housewife :)

Life here and there

Sitting here this evening it was my intention of getting to sleep much earlier and allowing my mind to rest but just as expected that is a harder task than one might imagine for someone who rarely if ever sleeps. I have had a lot of things stirring my emotions recently and it hasn't been so easy to deal with, even though I do pretend otherwise. We have been going through some changes, some good, some not so good recently but the hardest as of recently has been dealing with several losses of friends, friends who are grieving, family members who are sick or dealing with illness. I typically obsess over loss, sometimes it drives me crazy. I know this is not a natural thing and that it's not of God. God wants us to trust in his word and recognize that these moments, these passing days here are just a breath compared to what we can have in eternity with him. That should be more than enough to settle ones heart but alas' it doesn't take away the hurt, the loss that we feel when God calls one of our very own home. 

Since I was a young girl I have struggled with loss. I have experienced a lot of death in a very short amount of time as a youth. It was compounded by the fear of losing my mom. I always felt this sense of urgency with her, that if she didn't do something, change something, she would not be here and I'd have to face that horrible moment when I'd have to say goodbye and it would leave this wrenching hole in my heart that would ache forever. Sadly enough I was right. My mom suddenly died from a massive heart attack in 2007. I was 2 months pregnant at the time with Ian after 11 years of infertility. I never thought I'd have to face bringing a baby into the world without my mom here to share it with. :( I did take comfort in the knowledge that she knew I was pregnant and was very excited for me, cautiously so but happy for me. She knew we had been hurt so many times through the years and failures at the pregnancy attempts. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes as a parent we pass our fear onto our children without even recognizing it? My Ian is very scared to talk about heaven and death. He starts to get upset at the very mention of it and soon you will see his eyes get teary and he'll begin to cry. He associates heaven to death instead of eternal life and for that my heart aches. I want desperately to explain it to him in my best mommy way that death is not to be feared if you know Jesus and accept him into your heart and ask forgiveness for your sins. I have sheepishly sidestepped most of the questions related to death up until about a month ago when I saw what a profound effect it was having on Ian. Now I'm trying to go about the conversation a little differently and it seems to be working. We talked about how heaven is a wonderful place where people who love Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him go to live forever. I have told him that there are no more tears in this place, no more pain or suffering and he agreed that it sounds like some place we all want to be but not for a very long time. :) I got a wonderful book not long ago at River fest from a church that was handing them out. It talks about good people vs bad people and that Jesus wants to protect us, love us and for us to not be separated from him. It does a great job explaining the gaps that I was perhaps missing but I think for the most part it has been a positive step towards creating a better understanding of what death means to my children. 

I also got a book for me that talks about God's promises and that I do not need to fear things that I cannot control. Letting go of that is half the battle and I'm doing much better than I have in the past. This is not a subject that will just fade away, it will always be there but I'm learning some better ways to respond and interact with my children about it and for that I am very grateful.