*The Beginning*

I'm in a funk. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this self pity an loathing that has been going on for so long. I have been sitting on the couch for the past 3 days watching episode after episode of The Hills re-runs on Netflix, and why you ask? Well because their self indulgent and ridiculously spoiled lives make me realize how extremely normal mine is. I mean it must be nice to drive around in Mercedes and wear designer clothes that cost more than most people's whole wardrobe but hey, it's cool. They were born with a silver spoon and it's okay. I really am not jealous, honestly I think it's kind of sad to think that all they will ever know is privilege and dubious loyalties. I mean have you ever really watched the show? They're friends, they're not, they're lovers, they're haters. Their core values really seem quite shaped by the hills in which they were breed in.

Hollywood. Wow, what a thought. Not reality. Is that where my mind is focused lately? Not in the clouds of doubt or irresolution but in the fantasy of having and being everything to everyone. I hate that I can't develop sincere friendships, I have too many trust issues with those who have wronged me in past relationships. I feel like sometimes the only friends I have are the guy friends from high school who really looked after me and saw me as one of the boys. Funny how that works huh.

I remember in school that I had all these friends but my best friends, I mean my best best buddies were always guys. Maybe it was because I had good looking friends who were girls and they knew I was their in. Ha that happened on more than one occasion, never ended well but as I remember, anytime I developed a crush on one of these boys... yeah, I was the best friend type, not a romantic interest. I get it, I was a little fluffy even back then, not exactly the material guys who were popular or well liked wanted on their shoulder. Still there was one, one boy. And he broke my heart. :(

Then I met John after high school. Right after the bad relationship was over, the mistake relationship that crashed more than once. Here I was, found the greatest guy ever. The most sincere, most honest, most romantic of any guy I ever dated and I found myself for the first time holding back. Telling him that I didn't want to get serious and that I just wanted to date. I tried so hard to put him off, not get into a 1 on 1 relationship and still, after about 3 months, maybe 4 of dating he proclaimed that he was in love with me. I didn't say it first. I was determined. At 1 year into our relationship we were engaged. So at 20 years old we started planning the rest of our lives together. Funny how that happens. I was 21, almost 22 when we got married. we had been together for almost 3 years. We didn't rush... we took it slow but life gets ahead of you. It moves too quickly. I suffered 2 pregnancy losses that year and so the struggle began and depression sat in.