It's a random thing if I get to bed before midnight, honestly I may even stretch that and say 3 am because rarely do I make it to sleep before that even if my head is resting on the pillow. It's an awful curse that has followed me through the years... even as a young girl I had a hard time resting. Maybe that's why I suffer from headaches so often, obesity and slow metabolism. They say skinny girls sleep. Maybe that's because they eat so few calories that they run out energy 1/2 way through the day and have to go to bed ha ha. Okay that wasn't nice. Skinny girls are my friend. I'd love to be one in fact. Maybe not skinny. Just less pleasantly plump. I used to tell people I'm not fat, I'm fluffy.
Truth of the matter is though, this weight thing... it's really been bothering me a whole lot lately. Tonight I went to the mall with John and the boys. My knee's were aching, my ankle and I could barely keep up with them during our walk. Often I would look ahead and see the boys holding John's hand and they would occasionally look back at me as if they were thinking, why you back there mommy. I know it affects my self esteem but when it starts to create anxiety for my children and hurt their heart, I can't do that to them. I don't want to leave behind a legacy like this. I hurt for my mother. She was obese. That word sounds so incredibly cruel and insensitive but it's a technicality that I know all too well. I hated to see my mom suffer in any way. If something hurt her, I would get so angry. If someone made a comment about her weight I would react and jump to her defense. I remember an incident one day in a super market when a child that was about 4 or 5 made a comment about why was my mother so fat to his own mother. She brushed it off like it was no big deal and continued on with her shopping. As my mom walked into the next aisle I approached the mother and said, "you know, you really should teach your child some manners". She looked confused and then I said, you are a rotten mother if you think that it's okay to allow your child to do or say something wrong and then not correct them for it. Chances are you are cold and cruel yourself so it's not shocking. She was very embarrassed, didn't speak a word and stood there as if the cat got her tongue. I was beaming as I walked away, proud of the way I stood up for my mom.
Years later I look back at that incident and thing... boy were you stupid. There was your chance to share something so much bigger. This could have been a learning experience for that child. I know what I would say to that mother and child today if I saw them. I would say, "It's my prayer that you and your child one day know the love of God the way that my mother does. That you are careful with your words, thoughtful in your actions and loving in your ways. My mother carries that burden heavily, that is why she is so big. She takes on the weight of the world but her heart is so big God had to give her a bigger body to accommodate it. Have a great day & God bless!
That conversation would replay in my heart for years to come so I have had a lot of time to reflect back at that day and still wish I could rewind it and change the response. I wasn't very old at the time though, didn't have a lot of worldly wisdom, sometimes I still don't but I do know that my God, he is a forgiving God, a loving God and a God of infinent wisdom. Thank you Lord for not giving up on my when I'm acting like a brat, being stupid or revengeful in my tone. Teach me to love, to be kind and to be gentle in my ways. Amen
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