I will admit that I have been neglecting my blog recently. It's not purposely or intentional but rather of lack of energy or hours of the day to devote to it. This is a very busy time of year for us, especially with a new move on the horizon. We did not plan on moving this quickly, in fact we thought we'd be here for an extended period of time. I guess that even though we like to plan things accordingly, God has a purpose in every season and this is perhaps the best outcome for many reasons. We found a home very close to where John's job sites are. Right now as it is, he has been driving upwards of an hour to work every day. This was not how it was supposed to be. We moved here with the intention of being closer, not further from the places John would be working but his job apparently had other ideas. It's wonderful that John has been given this opportunity to make a tremendous amount of income in the next 2 years. I love that We're finally able to save money like never before, that part is great. I do miss him being home though and the kids miss him a lot too. The nice thing is, when he is home he is home for a week at a time which allows us to take many mini vacations through out the year and spend many days together doing fun things with the boys. We are planning on going to Disney this year once again so that we can take the boys to parts of the park that we missed last year. This was their request since we ask them what they want to do for their birthdays. They both responded with, "visit Mickey Mouse's home."

I have resorted to packing only the necessities this time and getting rid of anything else I don't want. It's hard enough to move without packing and unpacking things that I don't feel we'll ever have any use for. I'm quite certain that this move will be for at least 2 years, possibly more. I cannot believe we're doing this in the cold again though, that part sucks. We did the move last year in the winter time so hopefully we will be able to plan better for next time. :( Well I'm off here to get some packing done. Since we now have the gas turned on the heat is making it quite comfortable. At least I won't be freezing my butt off while trying to get things done. :)

"A Mothers Love"

Earlier this evening Ian came out from his room (about 3 hours had passed since bedtime). I asked him what he was doing since I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and he quietly said "I wanted to come out here". He was still 1/2 asleep and fell into my arms as I cradled him like a newborn. As I held him I silently watched him slumber like a baby and memories flooded my heart of the very first moments I experienced as a mother. I remember the whole 9 months, the fertility injections, the progesterone shots, the bruises and the implantation procedure. All of the medically necessary techniques that enabled me to become someones mommy but even more so, I remember the moment. The very first moment when I left the hospital, came home, laid in bed and prayed. I never prayed harder in my life. I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted just 1 little seed, 1 of  3 to grow, to implant and become my own little miracle. Within days it seemed I knew. My heart felt it, the changes were incredibly suttle but I knew. 2 weeks seemed an eternity, waiting, anticipating and praying our hearts would not be broken once more. 11 long years and finally, finally... a + sign. My heart was so full, so entirely filled with joy that it almost felt unrealistic. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news. She was cautiously excited. She knew our previous heartache's.

I remember the doctors concern about you being behind in growth by about 2 weeks. How I prayed that each new appointment would bring better news and that you were growing stronger, healthier. I felt so helpless, I didn't understand why you were so small still. At 34 weeks you came into this world and changed my own forever. My little blond haired, blue eyed baby boy. You were our 16 inch little prince. It was instant love. Seeing you for the first time hooked up to all those wires, the machine that was breathing for you, it was devastating. I prayed for God to bring you through it. The first 24-48 hours were incredibly difficult for me, it was the most critical. It would be a little while before I could hold you in my arms. Each visit to the NICU made my heart bleed, I wanted to make you better, hold you, bond with you and place you close to my heart. The day finally arrived when I could hold my precious son. So tiny, your little fingers could barely grasp my pinkie but I felt God saying "someday he will hold you in his arms".

Now as I held you this evening in my arms, your heart close to mind, I cannot imagine my life without you. God has blessed me so greatly with 2 healthy, beautiful boys. Each day with you is a miracle. There is nothing in this life more important than the love that God has given me for each of you. I pray that I can somehow enrich your life. That I am able to instill Godly value's and morals in your heart. I feel that the most important task I have is to help mold you into the precious young man God intends for each of you to be. I don't always know what I'm doing, I'm not perfect in any way. I hope one day when you are much older you will recognize the importance of each moment and not in any way ever give up hope. I promise you that even  though there will be troubles in this life, I will always be here for you and will always provide you loving arms, shelter from the storms and a constant faith in God's plan to prosper you. I love you my sweet boy. Love mom.

"June Cleaver Routine"

A moment of reflection has given me new perspective and insight about where I am right now at this point in my life. I certainly never dreamed I'd be facing the same challenges that I have been for nearly all of my life but yet here I am at this crossroads and I feel like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. My mother's health deteriorated greatly after having children. She went from a very petite frame and weighing barely 100 lbs. to gaining a tremendous amount of weight after 5 kids. Call it stress, heredity, what you will. The point is, she felt overwhelmed, tired and emotionally drained, all of the things that I feel every day, that most mom's feel. Being a stay at home mother has tremendous rewards, but in those rewards, there are moments of insanity, moments where I wish I were on a deserted beach laying in the sand as the ocean's waves crash against the shore rocking me to sleep. Oh yes, the inevitable calgon commercial, that's the one. 

I think that the expectations are elevated a little today in comparison with previous generations where mothers were at home and expected to cook, clean, parent and look pretty. Now there is so much emphasis on career, goals, education, etc. that it's hard to figure out where you're supposed to fit into the gene pool yet alone as a mother, wife and provider. 

I pray everyday for an opportunity to help my husband provide for our family. I don't like that he has to work long hard hours for what seems squat at times but this is life and each of us have a role to play in it. I pray that when I go to bed at night I recognize the importance of each smile, each kiss and every little I love you spoken among my sweet little family. My boys are a blessing, my husband a saint and me, I'm just a housewife :)

Life here and there

Sitting here this evening it was my intention of getting to sleep much earlier and allowing my mind to rest but just as expected that is a harder task than one might imagine for someone who rarely if ever sleeps. I have had a lot of things stirring my emotions recently and it hasn't been so easy to deal with, even though I do pretend otherwise. We have been going through some changes, some good, some not so good recently but the hardest as of recently has been dealing with several losses of friends, friends who are grieving, family members who are sick or dealing with illness. I typically obsess over loss, sometimes it drives me crazy. I know this is not a natural thing and that it's not of God. God wants us to trust in his word and recognize that these moments, these passing days here are just a breath compared to what we can have in eternity with him. That should be more than enough to settle ones heart but alas' it doesn't take away the hurt, the loss that we feel when God calls one of our very own home. 

Since I was a young girl I have struggled with loss. I have experienced a lot of death in a very short amount of time as a youth. It was compounded by the fear of losing my mom. I always felt this sense of urgency with her, that if she didn't do something, change something, she would not be here and I'd have to face that horrible moment when I'd have to say goodbye and it would leave this wrenching hole in my heart that would ache forever. Sadly enough I was right. My mom suddenly died from a massive heart attack in 2007. I was 2 months pregnant at the time with Ian after 11 years of infertility. I never thought I'd have to face bringing a baby into the world without my mom here to share it with. :( I did take comfort in the knowledge that she knew I was pregnant and was very excited for me, cautiously so but happy for me. She knew we had been hurt so many times through the years and failures at the pregnancy attempts. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes as a parent we pass our fear onto our children without even recognizing it? My Ian is very scared to talk about heaven and death. He starts to get upset at the very mention of it and soon you will see his eyes get teary and he'll begin to cry. He associates heaven to death instead of eternal life and for that my heart aches. I want desperately to explain it to him in my best mommy way that death is not to be feared if you know Jesus and accept him into your heart and ask forgiveness for your sins. I have sheepishly sidestepped most of the questions related to death up until about a month ago when I saw what a profound effect it was having on Ian. Now I'm trying to go about the conversation a little differently and it seems to be working. We talked about how heaven is a wonderful place where people who love Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him go to live forever. I have told him that there are no more tears in this place, no more pain or suffering and he agreed that it sounds like some place we all want to be but not for a very long time. :) I got a wonderful book not long ago at River fest from a church that was handing them out. It talks about good people vs bad people and that Jesus wants to protect us, love us and for us to not be separated from him. It does a great job explaining the gaps that I was perhaps missing but I think for the most part it has been a positive step towards creating a better understanding of what death means to my children. 

I also got a book for me that talks about God's promises and that I do not need to fear things that I cannot control. Letting go of that is half the battle and I'm doing much better than I have in the past. This is not a subject that will just fade away, it will always be there but I'm learning some better ways to respond and interact with my children about it and for that I am very grateful. 

Instructions for Parenting a Strong Willed Child

I have decided to set an hour aside every evening to spend in prayer and studying the Lords word. I bought a book about 2 years ago at a parenting conference called "Don't Make Me Count to 3." It was such a great read and had so much valuable parenting advice I decide to go back and read it again, especially considering all I do recently is count to 3 because the boys have been testing limits a lot lately. I don't know if it's the age that their at or if they just don't feel it's necessary to listen to mom, either way I am determined to not lose my insanity while trying to teach them that it's Biblical to follow God's rules and obey their parents. Everyone always says that they wish children came with an instruction manual. Well truth is, they do. It's called the Bible. God's word has plenty to say about parenting if we just take the time to read it. That is my goal this week. I plan on going through scriptures related to parenting and then prayerfully consider what it is that I'm doing wrong. Hopefully the boys will be more receptive to their mother if she's not screaming like a maniac and rather placing them in time out while sharing God's word with them. :)

"Something Wicked This Way Comes"

Yesterday was interesting. As John was working the boys and I were busy at home preparing for the storm to arrive. We had been hearing about a strange type of weather event that doesn't happen often that would possibly bring strong winds, hail, severe lightening and heavy downpours. Standing outside waiting for the storm to arrive was crazy. It was as if the people on television didn't have a clue, the sky was beautiful, not a cloud in sight and yet they were telling us to take shelter that several tornado's had been possibly sighted or were on the ground in an area not far from us. I watched outside while our neighbors continued to work on their house, putting up siding. Donna, a friend from across the road came outside and sat down to read while the boys played on their bikes as I waited, camera in hand. 

I do not know what possesses someone to stand in the line of fire during a possibly life threatening storm but I do understand the excitement and great measure some go to to acquire the perfect picture of such events. The sky was amazing. I could look to the South East sky and  see a tremendous eye wall forming as the television buzzed over and over with warnings of approaching increment weather telling us to seek shelter. At one point we got warning of phone outages nearby. We continued to watch as the skies darkened and a rather ominous eye formed over our houses. At one point the neighbor across the road who was working on his house stopped what he was doing and said okay, that's a sign. The temp dropped what seemed 10 degrees in a matter of seconds. It was then we all became more concerned about the approaching funnel overhead. The scanner was buzzing at the neighbors as the town fire station contemplated whether or not to sound the alarm. 

As horrifying as the oncoming storm was to watch and the feeling of impending danger increased, it was so difficult to put the camera down and go inside. I took several pictures before finally having enough of the opposing lightening strikes. I didn't want toasted like a marshmallow so reluctantly I walked in the house and sat it out. The funnel that formed above our house was rotating and we were all hoping it would pass over us, thankfully it did. Had it decided to touch down we wouldn't have been in the path of destruction, we would have been under it! I feel rather fortunate to have watched this amazing event unfold but found myself thanking God we didn't become part of the 6 oclock' news. God is good!

Catching a falling star

Last night while taking pooh out for his last potty trip I was standing on my front porch staring at the beautiful night  sky as I often do. It was such a peaceful night and the stars were brightly shining overhead. After a brief minute passed I saw a falling star and was shocked at the surreal nature of the moment. God's beauty is always there but we often fail to recognize or appreciate it. It was in that passing thought that I started to recall fond memories of my life and those I love who have gone on to be with the Lord. It's hard to fathom that one day we will all walk together in God's presence but that knowledge is measurably more important to me than anything else in comparison.

I have recently felt compelled to discuss eternal life and salvation with my almost 5 year old. I know that God has been leading me in this but for some reason every time I try, Ian starts to clam up and gets emotional. He is very sensitive and relates heaven to death (not exactly how I want him to perceive it). Though our life here on earth as we know it does end, I have tried to explain the best way I know how that if we know Jesus and have accepted him as our personal savior and are forgiven for our sins, we have eternal life in heaven with those who have also accepted Christ.

When John's grandma died I wasn't sure if I wanted to take Ian to the funeral. Aevan is a little younger and wasn't able to recognize that gram wasn't sleeping but Ian knew that she was with Jesus. John took him up to the casket and explained to him that he didn't have to be sad because Gram was healed and no longer needed her earthly body. He went on to say that even though she lost her legs because she was sick, in heaven she is walking with Jesus and that she is very happy. Ian still cried a little and was understandably upset by the experience but we wanted to be honest and for him to learn that it's okay for us to be sad when we lose a loved one but that we will one day be with them again if we trust the Lord.

Ever since this experience, the conversation of eternal life has been tough to have with Ian. Almost as soon as I bring it up he will hide his face and begin to cry. I really feel like I need to explain it better, in a way that he understands it's okay to discuss. I think that he is afraid that I will leave him one day and he is fearful of me not being here. That really makes me sad because I too feared that a lot since my parents were much older when they had me. My mom was around for a long time (until I was 34) but losing her even then was devastating. Ian has seen me cry and heard me say I miss my mom so perhaps this has influenced his perception of death in a poor way :(

I will be researching some books on this topic but if anyone has some suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate some input on the matter. It has never been my intention to upset my son, I just want him to realize how important it is for him to know the Lord and to have salvation. I love my boys so much pray that God blesses each of them in life but even more so, I pray that one day they will accept the Lord as their personal savior so that when the time comes we will all be together in God's perfect presence.