Life here and there

Sitting here this evening it was my intention of getting to sleep much earlier and allowing my mind to rest but just as expected that is a harder task than one might imagine for someone who rarely if ever sleeps. I have had a lot of things stirring my emotions recently and it hasn't been so easy to deal with, even though I do pretend otherwise. We have been going through some changes, some good, some not so good recently but the hardest as of recently has been dealing with several losses of friends, friends who are grieving, family members who are sick or dealing with illness. I typically obsess over loss, sometimes it drives me crazy. I know this is not a natural thing and that it's not of God. God wants us to trust in his word and recognize that these moments, these passing days here are just a breath compared to what we can have in eternity with him. That should be more than enough to settle ones heart but alas' it doesn't take away the hurt, the loss that we feel when God calls one of our very own home. 

Since I was a young girl I have struggled with loss. I have experienced a lot of death in a very short amount of time as a youth. It was compounded by the fear of losing my mom. I always felt this sense of urgency with her, that if she didn't do something, change something, she would not be here and I'd have to face that horrible moment when I'd have to say goodbye and it would leave this wrenching hole in my heart that would ache forever. Sadly enough I was right. My mom suddenly died from a massive heart attack in 2007. I was 2 months pregnant at the time with Ian after 11 years of infertility. I never thought I'd have to face bringing a baby into the world without my mom here to share it with. :( I did take comfort in the knowledge that she knew I was pregnant and was very excited for me, cautiously so but happy for me. She knew we had been hurt so many times through the years and failures at the pregnancy attempts. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes as a parent we pass our fear onto our children without even recognizing it? My Ian is very scared to talk about heaven and death. He starts to get upset at the very mention of it and soon you will see his eyes get teary and he'll begin to cry. He associates heaven to death instead of eternal life and for that my heart aches. I want desperately to explain it to him in my best mommy way that death is not to be feared if you know Jesus and accept him into your heart and ask forgiveness for your sins. I have sheepishly sidestepped most of the questions related to death up until about a month ago when I saw what a profound effect it was having on Ian. Now I'm trying to go about the conversation a little differently and it seems to be working. We talked about how heaven is a wonderful place where people who love Jesus and have a personal relationship with Him go to live forever. I have told him that there are no more tears in this place, no more pain or suffering and he agreed that it sounds like some place we all want to be but not for a very long time. :) I got a wonderful book not long ago at River fest from a church that was handing them out. It talks about good people vs bad people and that Jesus wants to protect us, love us and for us to not be separated from him. It does a great job explaining the gaps that I was perhaps missing but I think for the most part it has been a positive step towards creating a better understanding of what death means to my children. 

I also got a book for me that talks about God's promises and that I do not need to fear things that I cannot control. Letting go of that is half the battle and I'm doing much better than I have in the past. This is not a subject that will just fade away, it will always be there but I'm learning some better ways to respond and interact with my children about it and for that I am very grateful.