Earlier this evening Ian came out from his room (about 3 hours had passed since bedtime). I asked him what he was doing since I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and he quietly said "I wanted to come out here". He was still 1/2 asleep and fell into my arms as I cradled him like a newborn. As I held him I silently watched him slumber like a baby and memories flooded my heart of the very first moments I experienced as a mother. I remember the whole 9 months, the fertility injections, the progesterone shots, the bruises and the implantation procedure. All of the medically necessary techniques that enabled me to become someones mommy but even more so, I remember the moment. The very first moment when I left the hospital, came home, laid in bed and prayed. I never prayed harder in my life. I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted just 1 little seed, 1 of 3 to grow, to implant and become my own little miracle. Within days it seemed I knew. My heart felt it, the changes were incredibly suttle but I knew. 2 weeks seemed an eternity, waiting, anticipating and praying our hearts would not be broken once more. 11 long years and finally, finally... a + sign. My heart was so full, so entirely filled with joy that it almost felt unrealistic. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news. She was cautiously excited. She knew our previous heartache's.
I remember the doctors concern about you being behind in growth by about 2 weeks. How I prayed that each new appointment would bring better news and that you were growing stronger, healthier. I felt so helpless, I didn't understand why you were so small still. At 34 weeks you came into this world and changed my own forever. My little blond haired, blue eyed baby boy. You were our 16 inch little prince. It was instant love. Seeing you for the first time hooked up to all those wires, the machine that was breathing for you, it was devastating. I prayed for God to bring you through it. The first 24-48 hours were incredibly difficult for me, it was the most critical. It would be a little while before I could hold you in my arms. Each visit to the NICU made my heart bleed, I wanted to make you better, hold you, bond with you and place you close to my heart. The day finally arrived when I could hold my precious son. So tiny, your little fingers could barely grasp my pinkie but I felt God saying "someday he will hold you in his arms".
Now as I held you this evening in my arms, your heart close to mind, I cannot imagine my life without you. God has blessed me so greatly with 2 healthy, beautiful boys. Each day with you is a miracle. There is nothing in this life more important than the love that God has given me for each of you. I pray that I can somehow enrich your life. That I am able to instill Godly value's and morals in your heart. I feel that the most important task I have is to help mold you into the precious young man God intends for each of you to be. I don't always know what I'm doing, I'm not perfect in any way. I hope one day when you are much older you will recognize the importance of each moment and not in any way ever give up hope. I promise you that even though there will be troubles in this life, I will always be here for you and will always provide you loving arms, shelter from the storms and a constant faith in God's plan to prosper you. I love you my sweet boy. Love mom.
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