*New Note*

This is a new day and the sun is shining. I'm feeling optimistic about our future and about staying positive. I'm not going to allow people to bring me down or cause me to feel unworthy of respect. I have been feeling so rotten lately about the decisions I've made and mistakes that have caused me to stumble. It's so hard to stay on the straight and narrow path, I've hit a lot of bumps in the road and need to refocus. 

There are many area's in my life that need cleansed. Kind of like cleaning out my closet and getting rid of the junk inside it. Things that I've been holding onto that are making me feel rotten. All the clutter makes you feel out of control, like there isn't enough space in your life for the positive things that God has for you. I'm not sure what this next chapter in life will be for me but I am certain that it will be a challenge for me, just letting go.

We can kid ourselves and say we'll never make another mistake,we'll never stumble in our walk but that's unrealistic. We all fall short of the Glory of God and need reminded from time to time that we're human. I'm just very thankful that I have salvation and are forgiven because heaven knows if I weren't I'd be in a very dreadful state.

All that being said, I am hoping that 2013 will bring new opportunities both for myself and for John. I am starting a new journey with the boys. We have decided to home school so that it is a big responsibility for me. I prayed about this for a long time and with the recent events and current state of our world I think it's the best option for us. John's job is crazy, working 2 weeks on at a time and then being off 1. We don't get to see much of him and most likely won't until this contract ends. We have about 18 more months of it to go then from that point, not sure what he'll decide. I'm praying another opportunity comes up because as much as this job pays well, I really hate him being away from us so much. It's hard on me, our marriage, the boys. We are stronger when we're together than when we're apart. I almost feel like a single parent and it's not a good feeling. :(

I'm going to make more time for the boys and for getting things done that I need to do through out the day and staying off of facebook. It's such a waste of time, there really is no excuse for the amount of time that I sit here and blow just staring at this computer. I'm ready to start this day. Cherio'

*reckless*

Why is it that every time I set my mind that I'm going to do something, the pressure to screw up is always there. It's like the temptation is so strong that I find myself fighting this internal battle between right and wrong. I know when something isn't good for me, why can't I just give it up? It's so hard to place distance between yourself and old habits, even ones that you know you need to break. I'm reckless lately with my thoughts, with my actions, with my words. I hate knowing that I'm disappointing God, even myself. 

I need a break, time away from the constant reminders that I'm surrounded with each day. The only way for me to escape is to disconnect from everything. I wish I could just change my phone number and block off the outside world for like a week, maybe 2. I hate feeling so confused all the time. I will be fine, just need to rewire this brain of mine. 

*Wasteland*

It is in these early morning hours that my thoughts are most stirred. Through God's grace and redemption, my heart has become softened to the idea that I need to refocus my energy on things that are more positive. With all the moving and having to settle down once more it has been difficult for us to get back on track. This is quite possibly the longest we have not gone to church on a regular basis and it's truly affecting us in a negative way. The patterns that we create often become habit if we let them go on for too long. I know that the boys miss church. They miss the other kids and I feel horrible for allowing the excuse that I'm too busy be the only reason we haven't been attending. You get lazy and self absorbed to the point that your focus is not where it needs to be. I need to work on that, A LOT. 

I have to admit that I have allowed certain things, negative things to creep back into my life. There comes a time where you have to make a decision to either remove yourself from situations that cause you to stumble or walk away from individuals who are influencing your decisions. I did that and felt better for a long time. Then when we moved to Sligo area I met up with an old friend. A friend that was part of my life, long before I refocused my energy and devotion on God. Now let me just say that it is not this person's fault that I started to lose myself again. I did that on my own. The problem is, we have to make a conscious decision to either get back on track or keep falling of the donkey, per say. I allowed myself to consistently go against my faith and belief in God because it felt good to do so. Having fun, letting yourself fall back into patterns that are destructive can affect everything, even people around you. I noticed that I was listening to music that I knew was inappropriate, I was watching television shows and reading material that was more worldly. I was losing myself once more. 

Praise God that I am able to recognize when I feel myself slipping. There is a certain amount of conviction that follows when you make the choice to become a Christian, even more so when you choose to live for God not yourself. If not for this reason I would consistently test boundaries like a child. If you are immature in your faith especially, it is important to focus on Biblical studies, finding time for God in an intimate setting. Praying, reading scripture, spending time with those who can help you to build your relationship with Him. 

I long for that kind of relationship with God. I know my heart desires to be closer to my creator. I'm going to reduce the amount of time that I spend doing things that are less productive and start re-focusing on what I know to be of more importance. I'm sure I will miss the freedom of sitting here at the computer wasting valuable time on Facebook. The randomness of Pinterest and just being able to relax and unwind but I can do all those things by sitting down and reading God's word. Maybe picking up a Bible or devotional or even doing a study is what I need to occupy my time, something, anything would be more educational then what I've been doing. I'm ready to close this chapter.

Weekend's end...

Wishing that John didn't have to go back to work in early morning. It was nice to have him home with us all week, so much so that we got spoiled just having him here. I'm hopeful for the day when he will be able to leave and be at work in only a few minutes again. They are telling him the rig will be back near our house by February so hopefully that is the case. Where he is now isn't terribly far but with winter and the roads, deer, etc. I hate him having to make that trip. It's longer now for him to get to the hotel than it was before. He has to go about 20 miles to the site. It's kind of silly actually because it's only 31 miles to the site from home but 11 miles 1 way adds up to an additional 22 miles of travel a day for him and that's still a lot.

I am busy trying to prepare for spring and what comes next for our family. We have a lot of things we'd like to do this summer so we plan on concentrating on getting all of our bills paid off so that we can do them. You think that when you're making a better income you'd budget better but with birthdays, holidays, etc. we spent sooooooo much that now we're having to pay down the credit cards and get back to saving. We'd like to go to Ireland soon, possibly this year or next, Hawaii and the boys really want to go back to Disney. Depending on what God has in store for us, we may or may not be able to do any of that but the desire to travel is in our hearts. Well off to get these boys to sleep. I need to work on getting John's things in order for his job.

I should be in bed fast asleep laying beside my wonderful husband in his warm embrace. I should be dreaming of puffy white clouds with rainbows and unicorns. Well maybe not, that's a little cheesy but sleep... oh dear sleep, why do you escape me so very often. I miss my cousin Darla that recently passed away because even though we had very little in common but the bloodline, we shared our often late night insomnia and would talk and comment on each other's pages when we couldn't sleep.

It's a random thing if I get to bed before midnight, honestly I may even stretch that and say 3 am because rarely do I make it to sleep before that even if my head is resting on the pillow.  It's an awful curse that has followed me through the years... even as a young girl I had a hard time resting. Maybe that's why I suffer from headaches so often, obesity and slow metabolism. They say skinny girls sleep. Maybe that's because they eat so few calories that they run out energy 1/2 way through the day and have to go to bed ha ha. Okay that wasn't nice. Skinny girls are my friend. I'd love to be one in fact. Maybe not skinny. Just less pleasantly plump. I used to tell people I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. 

Truth of the matter is though, this weight thing... it's really been bothering me a whole lot lately. Tonight I went to the mall with John and the boys. My knee's were aching, my ankle and I could barely keep up with them during our walk. Often I would look ahead and see the boys holding John's hand and they would occasionally look back at me as if they were thinking, why you back there mommy. I know it affects my self esteem but when it starts to create anxiety for my children and hurt their heart, I can't do that to them. I don't want to leave behind a legacy like this. I hurt for my mother. She was obese. That word sounds so incredibly cruel and insensitive but it's a technicality that I know all too well. I hated to see my mom suffer in any way. If something hurt her, I would get so angry. If someone made a comment about her weight I would react and jump to her defense. I remember an incident one day in a super market when a child that was about 4 or 5 made a comment about why was my mother so fat to his own mother. She brushed it off like it was no big deal and continued on with her shopping. As my mom walked into the next aisle I approached the mother and said, "you know, you really should teach your child some manners". She looked confused and then I said, you are a rotten mother if you think that it's okay to allow your child to do or say something wrong and then not correct them for it. Chances are you are cold and cruel yourself so it's not shocking. She was very embarrassed, didn't speak a word and stood there as if the cat got her tongue. I was beaming as I walked away, proud of the way I stood up for my mom.

Years later I look back at that incident and thing... boy were you stupid. There was your chance to share something so much bigger. This could have been a learning experience for that child. I know what I would say to that mother and child today if I saw them. I would say, "It's my prayer that you and your child one day know the love of God the way that my mother does. That you are careful with your words, thoughtful in your actions and loving in your ways. My mother carries that burden heavily, that is why she is so big. She takes on the weight of the world but her heart is so big God had to give her a bigger body to accommodate it. Have a great day & God bless! 

That conversation would replay in my heart for years to come so I have had a lot of time to reflect back at that day and still wish I could rewind it and change the response. I wasn't very old at the time though, didn't have a lot of worldly wisdom, sometimes I still don't but I do know that my God, he is a forgiving God, a loving God and a God of infinent wisdom. Thank you Lord for not giving up on my when I'm acting like a brat, being stupid or revengeful in my tone. Teach me to love, to be kind and to be gentle in my ways. Amen

Three Hundred Sixty-Five

It's a new year and with it comes the resolution fails... not attempting to make a list, however I am going to pick a goal each day to work on and escape the uncertainty of complacency  There are several factors that cause one to give up when starting a large project, for myself I feel completely overwhelmed when we're talking large scale. The smaller the goal the easier it is to achieve or maintain. Such is the status quo of my life. I enjoy doing things that make me happy so I figure I will start there and then do 1 thing a day that I absolutely despise. The reason being, you have to learn to take the good with the bad. Lesson's in life are learned through self reprieve and lots of discipline. I need both to keep me grounded. So here goes. I started the Project Life 365 and am hoping to keep up with it. I have been having a hard time finding my inspiration lately so hopefully it will spark something creative from within. Also John has asked me to do some different style of photography. I hadn't really thought of doing so for quite some time but now that I have a new camera I have no intention of allowing it to sit and collect dust so fair warning... all is game! I started Industrial History of Western Pa but found it to be boring. The pictures were okay but the subject didn't necessarily pan well. I'm going to focus on catching life in real time... people watching/animal/trees/etc. We're all connected in this crazy space we call our world. Hoping to also do project days *like visit Andy Worhol* where else would you expect me to start? After all he's the king of simple exaggeration  It's erotic and eclectic at best. Marching onward into 365 days. 2013 will *ROCK*

God's Amazing Healing Touch

Something quite amazing happened tonight and I wanted to be sure that I gave God all of the glory. My back was hurting since early this morning when I woke up. I shouldn't have been sleeping in the boys room on the mattress on the floor but it's become habit when John is working and when we only had the electric heater going in order to avoid turning on the gas for just a week or 2 before our move. Well during the night sometime I must have twisted it wrong or just slept on it poorly. It was so awful this previous morning when I woke up that I couldn't even stand up straight. I was considering making an appointment to see the chiropractor in the morning if it didn't feel better by morning but then something happened that has caused me to since reconsider. A good friend of ours from our amazing church in Butler called and prayed for me. He seen what was going on when I posted a remark on facebook about it and thank God saw that as an opportunity to glorify the Lord by prayerfully going before the throne and asking for complete healing.

I will admit that sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable when people pray over me and that's mostly a sin thing. I guess deep down I don't feel that I deserve God's healing but when that emotion started to interfere in the prayer process I fought though the devils lies and told myself "CLAIM THIS HEALING" as Kevin continued to pray. I started to feel a cold sensation in my lower back where he told me to place my hand. Strangely it started to get warm and travel lower until I stood up and felt the pain leaving. I was able to stand up completely straight and bend over to touch my toes for the 1st time all day. Now as I sit here typing this I feel completely healed of the pain and I know it's only by the grace of God and Kevin's willingness to deliver the prayer of healing. It's wonderful that we can do this for each other. I haven't exactly been feeling great about where I'm at in my relationship with God lately but this was completely uplifting and truly made me feel loved by the one and only savior. I know I have some things to work through and will try to do so a little at a time (baby steps) but getting back to CLC will be a fresh and much needed step. I cannot wait to see all of our friends and family at the one and only Community Life Church. It will feel great being among those we love and care for so much and thank God for the opportunity to leave and come back because we truly know how very blessed we are to have CLC and our amazing Pastor's and friends. A church that is living, thriving and witnessing to the lost. Praise God!