Hope will come

I have long contemplated writing a post like this but out of fear I decided to not do so. Funny how God works on you though and once he gets a hold of you.... forget it. You can not fight, just fluidly go along with the direction he's leading you because all the effort you spend trying to flee is futile, he will catch up and when he does, well look out because boy are you in for it. I have spent many years sabotaging my self in weight loss. I don't talk about this to anyone, yet along of Facebook or anywhere else but I'm going to bare my soul and say it right here and now. I have suffered from bulimia and depression for many years now. In fact I have struggled with it since I was a young teen. The bulimia started as a way for me to feel in control of something that was so out of control, my hunger. I have had cravings all of my life. Some of them were so bad at some points I'd have to leave my home or literally fight and cry myself to sleep because I couldn't stand how disgusting it made me feel. I never understood why I had this constant void in the pit of my stomach that just wouldn't go away. I could eat and 15 minutes later I'd be hungry all over again. This combined with my lack of eating, where I'd never eat breakfast, go to school and come home and then gorge myself to death for the next 4-5 hours before finally laying down to sleep and then feel this sickness coming over me I'd have to run to the bathroom and just get rid of it all. It was a horrible feeling, a very deep and dark hole was engulfing me and I had no where to escape it. It followed me through my teens and into early adulthood. I finally met the right guy and we got married and then it happened. I got pregnant. Much to our disbelief I ended up in a hospital bed fighting for my life and almost died of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was in shock. I went from having this almost euphoric high and incredible feeling of wow, I'm going to be someone's mommy to a complete loss and emptiness, none like I had ever felt before in my life. 4 months later I was elated and pregnant again. We were cautiously excited. Then we got the news. We were in Orlando, Florida on vacation when I got the call. They were watching my levels of hormone and discovered that they were no longer growing like they should and that this too was an ectopic pregnancy. I would have to return and promptly have surgery to remove it. I was so devastated, so lost. I had no idea how those few months of 1996 and the 2 pregnancy losses would affect the next 11 years of my life. I started gaining weight and slipping into depression deeper. John had gotten a job in Ohio and we had moved there, we hated it. I was alone when he was at work and had no friends, no family close by and the walls started pushing in on me even harder. I felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life. Even with John there, it was crushing and my heart was bleeding inside. I started to binge 3, sometimes 4 or even 5 times a day at this point. I lost 60 lbs that summer in only 2 short months. It was killing me. My throat would get really sore. I would get nose bleeds and tell John that it was the dry heat in the apartment. I ended up dehydrated and got real sick. The hospital was conveniently across the street from us and I knew if I needed to I could go if things got too bad. They didn't get to that level but I knew I was slipping away.

One day I was crying horribly. I remember calling John at work and begging, BEGGING him to come home from work and be with me. I didn't want him to leave. I was so scared and so tired of being in that place that I didn't know what I'd do. He had no idea how bad it had gotten until he figured out one evening what I had been doing. He suspected long before but had never confronted me about it. After he left for work one day I was having my usual afternoon date of Springer and Oprah when it hit. I felt the spirit of oppression come over me so strong it was like someone was pressing on my chest and just would not let me catch my breath. It may sound like an anxiety attack to some but I know exactly what it was. It was the devil. He was trying to win me, to kill and destroy me. I found myself on the floor of the apartment crying like a baby in the fetal position. I laid there and just cried for what seemed hours. I then did something that I hadn't done in a very long time. I started to talk to God. I said "Lord, if you are real, I need you like I've never needed you before" please help me. I can't say for certain how much time had passed at this point but I'm guessing 2-3 hours when I started to feel a calmness come over me. I opened my eyes and looked at my door. This was a heavy wooden door that lead to the hallway that led out of our apartment. As I lay there on the floor I was shocked at what I now was looking at. In the grain of the door there was an outline of a cross. I had lived in that apartment for 4 months and never, not once had noticed this. I stood up and just stared at it like I just had an anomaly. God had been there all along. John called later that afternoon and for the first time in a long time I felt this spirit of oppression lift off of me and he came home to an entirely different person than the one he left who was begging him to stay.

Things started to turn around and both John and I came to the conclusion that it was time to leave his job and move back to Pennsylvania. We had enough of Ohio and wanted the support of family and friends. This is where I will leave off but I'll pick back up on my next post. Let me just leave you with this though, God can and will show up when you least expect him to. He may not always make his presence known to you but when he does, you will know it and undeniably feel his love surround you. There is no amount of comfort or love that compares to the love of the Father. He will love you right out of that hole, that sickness or pit of despair. Make no mistake.... he is there!