pain... eeeeeek

There really isn't a moment lately where I've felt completely, I mean 100% well. I kind of expect that since I'm getting a little older but this feeling, this crippling pain is wearing on me. My joints, muscles, every fiber of my being hurts. It's almost as if touching me is like sticking a hot skillet on my bare skin, I wretch at the very gesture. Sadly the boys tend to be very careful the way they sit on my leg's, the way they hug or grab me because they have gotten so used to me saying, ouch or that hurts... I hate that I can't do normal things like exercise and walk on a daily basis because of the pain. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little hopeless without insurance that this is going to end anytime soon. The insurance the post office offers, well it sucks right now until John gets a career position. Not only does it barely cover necessities, anything serious and forget it, it's mostly out of pocket. Hardly worth the paper it's written on. We were very disappointed but hey, it's kind of expected. The government employee's used to be well take care of but even when John was in the Marine Corp, although most the major medical was covered, there were additional things like dental and vision we had to pay. 

I haven't seen my hematologist for over a year & 1/2 because I have no insurance. Haven't had a treatment since a year ago in March, hence the horrible fibromylgia  flair ups. The overload of iron causes me to have migraine's and muscle, joint and nerve pain when it's high. My treatment's should be free with Central Blood Bank but since my Dr. left the practice I have to see someone else who is unfamiliar with my history and that will require an extensive work up and blood work in order to facilitate the blood bank the necessary treatment plan and schedule for my phlebotomy's. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. The ladies at the clinic keep telling me I have to apply for disability so that I stop going without my treatments but honestly, I'd rather just get some kind of temporary insurance until John's work provides us with better options but time is running out... Hemochromatosis is progressive and without therapeutic treatment's it will kill me eventually. I will suffer from organ failure, the big C or pancreatic issue's, liver failure etc. I cannot put my kids through that. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm at a point where options are limited and I'm going to do something one way or another. I cannot live like this any longer :( 

Lead me...

It always amazes me how quickly time passes when you have so very little to spare. Something always needs done, just one more project, one more commitment or detail needs finalized. Lately I have felt paralyzed with fear because these moments are all so precious, I want to capture each one in still frame and ingrain them in my memory forever. Of coarse that's not possible but the photographer part of me says "Just one last shot", "Get that smile", make it count! The mom part of me just wants to crawl into a corner and cry like the baby I am. I just know that I'm going to be the sobbing mom everyone laughs at during each 1st moment and every last milestone and that's okay, I'm fine with the label. I just want my boys to know always how very proud they make me and how blessed I feel being their mom. 

I think about the memories I treasure now, maybe silly little things, mundane in the big picture but precious, no less, that I have of my own mom. Things that she would do or say, gracious to a fault and beautiful in every way... and I just know that all those moments, all those goofy details she used to fret over, well now I'm the one, I am guilty of the same motherly trait's that she passed on to me. Just knowing that I have a part of her with me in that way makes me smile. My mom took care of everyone and everything. She loved so unconditionally that sometime, no, all the time, I wondered how God ever created someone so perfect, without fault (to me) and angelic in almost every way. Boy did I hit the mom lottery :)

So yes, these days are fading but with each one that passes there is a new adventure just ahead around the corner. I'm certain that I will make mistakes, I will likely make many but I will never, not even for a second, take for granted the amazing life that I've been given and that no matter if I'm here for a day or till I'm 100 years old I will never regret any mistake or decision that has brought me to this point. 

Hope

Occasionally the darkness of our past returns and casts shadows on our present. Demons you thought you slayed return with a vengeance and reek havoc on our souls. I am in a period of drought, a rough patch that feels all to familiar. I did something this past week though, I got help. Sometimes the biggest step is taking the hand of those we trust and allowing them to guide us through the storm, to be our beacon of hope. I went to a support group, a place where other Christians like myself are also struggling with life issues, sometimes very personal or even embarrassing problems. It's a place where you feel safe to talk about these things in confidence without feeling judged. I'm so grateful that I made it through the door, that I didn't run and try to escape. I am thankful that I had support and that I didn't feel alone in this journey. I am hopeful that I will get through this and that someday I will look back with confidence and know that my fears are not bigger than my God. I have secretly, through the years battled with an eating disorder. I wrote in my blog about it when I was in my early 20's. It's important that you understand its not so much about weightloss as it is about control. Bulimia doesn't have a size, it knows no boundaries or have a sexual preference. It affects thousands of normal people, just as other eating disorders. It has taken me many years to understand why I binge and purge. I hate the way it makes me feel. I am trying to confidently move forward with my treatment, to get help before it destroys me. I cannot change the past but I can do better in the future. One day at a time, baby steps baby steps to the elevator...

losing

Do you ever wonder why you even try... Intelligent people would learn by experience, move on and remove the toxic influences from their life. Wouldn't they? What's wrong with me then, why do I continually allow certain people the ability to rip my heart into pieces over and over without consequence? I understand that forgiveness is only meant to be a tool of redemption but in this instance it's more of a crutch and a way of manipulating me into accepting an apology that should end with parting of ways but somehow never does.

All that is within me screams foul play, that there really isn't goodness left in this persons heart. I hear this other (tiny me) saying let's be optimistic, give them one more chance and then it's done. All this person needs to say is 2 little words that I only hear on rare occasions "I'm sorry" and it's red light green light all over again on this insane roller coaster. I hate that I'm such a fool, such a push over. There is little help for one who can't help them self.

So it continues on... The cycle. Nothing gained, only lost because every time I allow this to happen I lose a little piece of me, my dignity and self esteem all fallen. No restoration, only fear. Fear of the fall out. I always experience depression after these episodes because yet again I've done the unthinkable. I've allowed myself to be a pawn, someone's personal door mat. The message I'm sending is loud and clear, I'm an easy target so go ahead pick me and why not? What's stopping them.

moving along...

This past year has been kind of a fog. I'm not quite sure where time went, it passed by so quickly. It's now almost June and it doesn't really seem possible that 6 months of this year are gone already. The boys are getting so big. Ian is 6 and Aevan is 5 but it still feels like they are babies to me. I really never thought time would fly by so quickly, it kind of makes me sad. I wanted to get pregnant again this year. John and I have both decided that if it is going to happen, now is the time. I just turned 40 and never thought that I'd be thinking about having a baby at this age but if I get myself in a position where I'm healthy enough to do so, I will. For the 1st time in a long time I will have health insurance again once John get's through his 90 days of probation at the post office. Having Hailey here with us has made me miss the joys of seeing 1st smiles, 1st steps, 1st kisses... all of those 1st moments are so precious. She really is a joy and Ian and Aevan love when she comes. Of coarse we feel blessed to have the boys but we have always wanted a larger family. Ian and Aevan have both said they want us to have a baby which makes the thought of it even more special. I know they would be wonderful big brothers. Whether or not it happens is in God's hands but I'm hopeful and just the thought of it brings a smile :)

forget about it...

It's May and I can't hardly believe how quickly time is flying this year. I mean every year just seems to come and go in a blink of an eye lately. Before we had kids I never noticed, things seemed to go slower. Now that Ian and Aevan are 5 and 6 years old, I really wish I could slow things down just a little and enjoy it more. We spend so much time on our devices, we don't enjoy the company of our families the way that we used to. Phone's, tablet's, laptop's... all wonderful but we often forget to put them down and when we do, we realize that a whole day has passed us by without spending time with our kids or spouses. What good is that? Life isn't lived behind the screen of these electronic demons. PUT THEM DOWN! Go outside, enjoy the fresh air, chase those butterflies, dance in the rain, splash in the puddle's, let them be little and enjoy the time you have with them. When it's gone you can never ever get it back.

Reflective boo hoo pick me up :)

What an insanely ridiculous start to spring we have had. First the horrible stomach virus that hit at the end of February that pretty much kicked our butts and then March on and off again sickness that got passed around not only our home but our best friend's house also, and then allergy attacks from well, you get my point. Seriously, praying it out... OUT IN THE NAME OF JESUS! I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE MY HOME, MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS and RELATIVES! Nothing but healthy and strong bodies from here on out. Wow, I mean this thing has really weakened us and I'm over it. I want out of this house, I want to spend time with our friends and family again. I want to enjoy a day at the park, go fishing, go for a boat ride or even train ride, anything!

So John hasn't started the post office yet. We've been praying about that because John found out at the end of last week, they lost his paperwork apparently and the copy of his driver's license and social security card. Great, isn't it? His information out there floating around for just anyone to abuse, makes me feel so wonderful about how our government operates. Am I shocked, well not really. Actually not at all. We are so used to that being prior military. Anyways, I'm not complaining because we found out about it and they called today and told him it would only be a couple of day's because they had all the paperwork they needed after John hand delivered them the 2nd time. :) Ironically, John's supervisor from his other job called him after he got the call from them offering him work for this weekend. As grateful as I should be (being the good Christian wife) I did want to string his supervisor up, after all, he did ignore John and not return his call for nearly 2 months even after telling him that he would. Keep in mind that John was their #1 guy, the go to person for every call off, every training, every time they needed someone, they called him. Then when the company John was working the rig project on shut down in the area, that's when they decided to go into hush hush mode. No work, no pay. John collected unemployment while they twiddled their thumbs and played poker with our finances for nearly 6 months. But... DEEP INHALE, I'm trusting God will see us through. He always does, He never gives up, He never run's out on us. We are blessed to have wonderful family and friends who support us through every season of our walk and right now, though I feel we're being stretched a little (yes, just a little) I do realize that this too shall pass. I'm not worrying about today because tomorrow will take care of itself. Here's to a beautiful, stress free and joy filled week. Happy Tuesday everyone. Monday is gone so enjoy it!