*Shrinkwrap*

So I have this book that I purchased a long time ago called Living Organized. I planned on reading it at some point, mostly because clutter is something I struggle with and it stresses me so much I absolutely hate it. I have long thought that living a minimalist lifestyle would suite me perfectly because I am not a materialistic person at all. I enjoy being able to go places and do things with my family but I also love being a homebody and love the simple pleasures that a hot cup of herbal tea and a good book provide. Life is so amazing yet we complicate it with so much junk that it becomes distracting. Even in the home we feel like we have to hang tons of pictures on the wall, photographs of family and friends, anything we can do to personalize it or make it our own. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that but if it becomes a struggle for you to get out of bed and clean, if being around the house depresses you to the point that you have to get up and leave or make excuses to not be home... more likely than not you are feeling the stress of having too much clutter surrounding your space. I do not function well in an environment when it is unorganized. Whenever I was younger I would sit at my desk at home and organize it perfectly. I would put everything in the drawers, stack books and papers neatly, everything would have a place and had to be a specific way. My whole room could be a heaping mess but my desk would be perfect. Maybe I focused on the desk so much because it was the one thing I could control, the largeness of the space that surrounded me made it more difficult to master the whole room, but this one thing... my desk, I could manage. 

I remember it would drive my mom nuts... she would come upstairs to my bedroom and just dump everything out of my dressers, she would make 1 huge pile on the floor, whether it was toys, clothes anything really. Then she would have me go through it all in 1 exhausting day and get rid of things I didn't use. It was helpful for the moment but before too long another holiday would come around and I'd have that many more things... THINGS. What is that word? Why do we use it to describe items that we'd rather not name individually? I looked up the word things in the dictionary and this is what I found it to say:

1.

a material object without life or consciousness; an inanimate object.

2.

some entity, object, or creature that is not or cannot be specifically designated or precisely described: The stick had a brass thing on it.

3.

anything that is or may become an object of thought: things of the spirit.

4.

things, matters; affairs: Things are going well now.

5.

a fact, circumstance, or state of affairs: It is a curious thing.

What struck me the most is number 2. cannot be specifically designated or precisely described. Wow, that's kind of sad if you think about it. If something has value or means something to us then wouldn't you be able to describe it? In a sense this exercise kind of gave me some perspective on how we place material value on things of this world. If you have money, you can buy things... THINGS. You often here people say, if I won the lottery I could have any*thing* I want. Well then name it right? What is your hearts desire? I know that my own heart desires to be closer to God and to remain focused on Him and not the things of this world. The Bible says 1 JOHN 2:15 Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. This is a great verse that I often need reminded of. Thank you Jesus for the love you extend to me so graciously without reserve. I ask that I'm able to walk through my home and recognize those things which are of this world. I pray that I might consider removing the clutter that surrounds my life so that I may walk closer with you. I long for the quiet moments we spend together. I desire to be calm in my spirit and to have a fuller heart of your love. Please direct me in the path of the righteous and cleanse me of the wrongful desires of this world. Help me to fill the emptiness with you God, only you. Amen

*Stronger*

Simple. You hurt me. Your words spoke untruths, so much so it all became 1 big lie. Funny it is that those who we care about the most often hurt us the deepest. When 1 is cut so deeply a scar often forms that cannot be repaired. You can try to love again, you can even fake it but somewhere inside you will always question the intent of the person who is questionably called your friend. I can get over this and move on with my life, 1 breath at a time but you have undeniably broken my spirit. Will it heal? Yes, but not without careful approach. I will not be so endeared by those who claim to have my back. I will not turn blindly to those things that ache my heart.  I am worth so much more than you recognize, I am irreplaceable and one day you will notice.

Seeds

Sitting here I have been reflecting on so many things this evening. My heart is heavy for certain people in my life who are experiencing pain. Some of it is self inflicted nonetheless it still hurts to see those we love suffer. I remember so many times in my walk when I felt low and unworthy of God's love. There are still many days I feel that same way. Though I cannot say for certain what the outcome might be, I can say that God's way is the only way and if you're fighting an uphill battle that seems almost unbearable, maybe it's because you're choosing the wrong path. Sometimes I think God allows things to happen, not to punish us but to teach us that we need to rely fully on him.

There have been recent moments that I have felt really saddened by some of my own choices and I know that I have disappointed God but I know that I am forgiven and pray that I can somehow learn from those choices and grow in them. You can't continually search for a place to plant yourself. Sometimes you have to just grow where God planted you. If you feel yourself wavering just ask God to sow seeds into your garden. Water it and watch, it will grow.

Memories...

Aevan and Daddy

 I remember this day. It was after we picked Cynthia from Virginia for a visit. I was so happy to have all of our family together finally. Unfortunately there were signs even then that the connection was stronger with Aevan and Cynthia than with Cynthia and Ian. Makes my heart sad to recognize the results of that year but I'm praying that one day we will be re-united. I will always love and miss her :(

Aevan and Ian on Snyder Farm



Ian and cousin Kendra

This was a nice day and we were excited to see the boys playing and having fun at their grandparents house. They always enjoy spending time with their family and the girls love playing with the boys. We are really blessed to have each other.

Aevan and Ian on Snyder Farm



Spider Monkey Moraine State Park

Natty

Ian was so happy this day. He was playing outside and it started to rain. He was amazed by the thunder and lightening. His eyes would get so big every time he heard the thunder. It was really cute. 

Easy peasy... lol

I am so excited. I was able to find several ways to organize and re-purpose stuff in my home today. I have been feeling extremely crafty lately and the creative juices are flowing. Now if I can get the rest of my crib cleaned up I can relax and get started. I have several projects I'm working on and I need the space and table to do it. If I can get this art studio cleaned out I can do it... so that's what I'm working on. That and minimalizing. That too is another dream of mine. I hate clutter. It takes up so much personal space. I need to find time to do all this. Sitting here is not getting it done fast enough :)

*artsy me*

Painful antics of the daytime blogger. I painted my first acrylic canvas painting last night. Thought I'd try my hand at something artistic besides photography. I'm going to do some mod podge with photographs to decorate this week too. I need to get some of this bottled up creativity out. I'm anxious to try a bunch of new craft ideas but I'm not going to do so until I get this house in order. I am thinking I may also buy one of those industrial size prints from Staples this week too. I have a lot of things I want to do, my brain is spinning out of control. :)

I'm off here to get busy. Going to pack up some things for good will and try to get my clean on.

*The Beginning*

I'm in a funk. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this self pity an loathing that has been going on for so long. I have been sitting on the couch for the past 3 days watching episode after episode of The Hills re-runs on Netflix, and why you ask? Well because their self indulgent and ridiculously spoiled lives make me realize how extremely normal mine is. I mean it must be nice to drive around in Mercedes and wear designer clothes that cost more than most people's whole wardrobe but hey, it's cool. They were born with a silver spoon and it's okay. I really am not jealous, honestly I think it's kind of sad to think that all they will ever know is privilege and dubious loyalties. I mean have you ever really watched the show? They're friends, they're not, they're lovers, they're haters. Their core values really seem quite shaped by the hills in which they were breed in.

Hollywood. Wow, what a thought. Not reality. Is that where my mind is focused lately? Not in the clouds of doubt or irresolution but in the fantasy of having and being everything to everyone. I hate that I can't develop sincere friendships, I have too many trust issues with those who have wronged me in past relationships. I feel like sometimes the only friends I have are the guy friends from high school who really looked after me and saw me as one of the boys. Funny how that works huh.

I remember in school that I had all these friends but my best friends, I mean my best best buddies were always guys. Maybe it was because I had good looking friends who were girls and they knew I was their in. Ha that happened on more than one occasion, never ended well but as I remember, anytime I developed a crush on one of these boys... yeah, I was the best friend type, not a romantic interest. I get it, I was a little fluffy even back then, not exactly the material guys who were popular or well liked wanted on their shoulder. Still there was one, one boy. And he broke my heart. :(

Then I met John after high school. Right after the bad relationship was over, the mistake relationship that crashed more than once. Here I was, found the greatest guy ever. The most sincere, most honest, most romantic of any guy I ever dated and I found myself for the first time holding back. Telling him that I didn't want to get serious and that I just wanted to date. I tried so hard to put him off, not get into a 1 on 1 relationship and still, after about 3 months, maybe 4 of dating he proclaimed that he was in love with me. I didn't say it first. I was determined. At 1 year into our relationship we were engaged. So at 20 years old we started planning the rest of our lives together. Funny how that happens. I was 21, almost 22 when we got married. we had been together for almost 3 years. We didn't rush... we took it slow but life gets ahead of you. It moves too quickly. I suffered 2 pregnancy losses that year and so the struggle began and depression sat in.