Yester years... gone

Yes I'm tired, I'm cranky, sore and a bit cynical this evening but it's okay. It's not typically my nature to feel so oblique but I think we all have those days. I have been upset lately because I find myself having so many regrets recently about the choices, or rather lack thereof in my former years. You see it wasn't all but 20 some years ago I had considered attending the Hallmark Institute of Photography in Turner Falls, Massachusetts. It was a dream, a dream of doing what I always enjoyed, my 1st love. For so many years I questioned and doubted my ability to do this thing, my vision was so small. It doesn't help that through the years and modernization of digital photography everyone has now declared that they are a photographer. I never technically considered myself a professional at anything... I just did it. I love taking candid portrait's more than anything, posing certainly has never been my thing. Through the years artistic quality prints have become another love, though my favorite thing to do is study people. People doing ordinary things. Watching life unfold through my lens is so incredible. It's exciting, almost like Christmas morning when I can come home and see what amazing scene I've captured. Did I get the smile, the tears, the laughter, the pain in their eye's? Did I pause time in a still frame and capture the moment I envisioned would become a keepsake forever? It's all surreal to me, every time, every shot. Oh I don't know, I'm probably being a little melodramatic. I mean it's nearly 3 am and I'm certainly slow getting to bed this cool September eve/early morn. I can surmise that tomorrow morning sunrise will come and I'll be missing it with a gentle slumber, least till I hear little whispers and I'm hungry coming from the little bugs beside my bed ha ha. Goodnight my princes of Maine and Kings of New England.

weak

Starting a new devotional study with myself has been a good and bad thing. Good in the way that I am getting in the word a lot more these past few days, bad that I'm an all or nothing kind of person and I feel like I need to fix all my issue's at one time. When you're doing a step study you can't jump ahead of the class, you have to stick to the program and only work on 1 thing at a time. That can be difficult for me. I'm trying really hard to understand this concept and to slow down. I didn't derail this train in just 1 day so I'm certainly not going to get it back on track in that amount of time either and if anyone thinks or says they can, they are lying to themselves and you!

There are so many things that I've discovered since starting my Celebrate Recovery group. 1 is that I am powerless without the help of God. I have no control of my eating disorder, habits or self destruction. I cannot do anything to change the way I respond or react to triggers because I am out of control. I have been living in denial, thinking that if I can just do this or do that, if I can just stop eating bad things, get to bed early, stop thinking about that last piece of chocolate or that bottle of coke sitting in the fridge, I'll be okay. Just walk away... you've got this, RIGHT! uh, no... that's not the case at all. I can't have chocolate in the house, I cannot drink coke, AT ALL without wanting more and I really do not have the ability to shut my brain off and get rid of the insomnia-obviously, or I'd be in bed an not up at this insane hour of 4 am.

You cannot find help in those books in the self help section, trust me I know. I have a whole collection that is sitting on my bedroom book stand and the only thing they do is collect dust. I look at magazine's while standing in line at the check out and see this new fad diet that's just come out and it's so amazing and people are losing 100 lbs so it's screaming buy me, buy me and I'll do the work for you, the secret is right inside. Yeah... the only thing that's got me is another pile of dust or magazine's that get thrown in a corner and read over and over again while sitting on the porcelain throne.

What I'm trying to say here I guess is, we all have things we are not in control of but denial, denial is the worst thing ever. As soon as we can say, we have no control and that we are out of control, all else is in vain. Accepting that you have a problem and that you have no chance of succeeding or kicking it on your own is the only way you'll bypass the guilt and shame of keeping it a secret. Give it all away, let God carry that burden for you. I'm pretty sure he wants to heal the weak. He created us and that means he has the ability to fix us. I guess all we really have to do is let him.

His Umbrella

It occurred to me this evening that I miss something. I have been watching Parenthood on Netflix. It's a show about a middle class American family who experiences the struggles of daily life and the extraordinary circumstances that make them not only diverse but an amazing yet complex unit. From the outside one might imagine that they are just like everyone else but as a viewer you can relate to each individual character and feel what they are experiencing. It makes you believe you're stepping into the scene and life of a real family. In all honesty, it's relate-able and feels real so it draws you in. I guess that's what a great writer does. They remove you from your present circumstance and place you directly into the pages of a dynamic plot leaving you asking "what happens next". 

That's where I am right now. I'm in this place that I prayed for so many years of my life. I'm a wife, a mom to my beautiful boys and I feel like God has given me everything that I've prayed for so what comes next? Do I deserve a next? Anything, something bigger than this because this, this is bigger than I could ever even imagine. After trying to get pregnant all those years and then have 2 healthy boys, do I even have the right at 40 years old to be praying for another baby? To want one more child to complete our family? Should I want to foster children that come from an imperfect world with all kinds of baggage brought on by selfish adults and people that abused or neglected the very one's they always said they'd protect? In a perfect world there wouldn't be orphans or widows but alas' this is not a perfect world. It's a fallen one. We are to care for those people right? God tells us to love and protect them, treat them as your own. In that regard family takes on an entirely different meaning if you ask me.

Should you worry about what God calls you to do? I think that he equips you for the job and just expects you to show up and punch in. Sometimes the overtime is mandatory and days are long, breaks short but at the end of the week or month you can see it was worth the effort and you are proud that you took care of things the way God showed you to do. That is amazing, so so amazing to me. If I come to Him with my burden's and my sorrow's, he doesn't turn me away. He lift's me up and says "Let me carry you through the storm". I don't even feel the raindrops under his umbrella because I know he will keep me safe and dry, sheltered in His unfailing love. Take a minute and soak that up... understand that no matter how many times you've given up on yourself or someone else, God never gives up on the one's he loves. Just show up...

pain... eeeeeek

There really isn't a moment lately where I've felt completely, I mean 100% well. I kind of expect that since I'm getting a little older but this feeling, this crippling pain is wearing on me. My joints, muscles, every fiber of my being hurts. It's almost as if touching me is like sticking a hot skillet on my bare skin, I wretch at the very gesture. Sadly the boys tend to be very careful the way they sit on my leg's, the way they hug or grab me because they have gotten so used to me saying, ouch or that hurts... I hate that I can't do normal things like exercise and walk on a daily basis because of the pain. It's depressing and honestly, I feel a little hopeless without insurance that this is going to end anytime soon. The insurance the post office offers, well it sucks right now until John gets a career position. Not only does it barely cover necessities, anything serious and forget it, it's mostly out of pocket. Hardly worth the paper it's written on. We were very disappointed but hey, it's kind of expected. The government employee's used to be well take care of but even when John was in the Marine Corp, although most the major medical was covered, there were additional things like dental and vision we had to pay. 

I haven't seen my hematologist for over a year & 1/2 because I have no insurance. Haven't had a treatment since a year ago in March, hence the horrible fibromylgia  flair ups. The overload of iron causes me to have migraine's and muscle, joint and nerve pain when it's high. My treatment's should be free with Central Blood Bank but since my Dr. left the practice I have to see someone else who is unfamiliar with my history and that will require an extensive work up and blood work in order to facilitate the blood bank the necessary treatment plan and schedule for my phlebotomy's. It's like a vicious circle that doesn't end. The ladies at the clinic keep telling me I have to apply for disability so that I stop going without my treatments but honestly, I'd rather just get some kind of temporary insurance until John's work provides us with better options but time is running out... Hemochromatosis is progressive and without therapeutic treatment's it will kill me eventually. I will suffer from organ failure, the big C or pancreatic issue's, liver failure etc. I cannot put my kids through that. I guess what it comes down to is that I'm at a point where options are limited and I'm going to do something one way or another. I cannot live like this any longer :( 

Lead me...

It always amazes me how quickly time passes when you have so very little to spare. Something always needs done, just one more project, one more commitment or detail needs finalized. Lately I have felt paralyzed with fear because these moments are all so precious, I want to capture each one in still frame and ingrain them in my memory forever. Of coarse that's not possible but the photographer part of me says "Just one last shot", "Get that smile", make it count! The mom part of me just wants to crawl into a corner and cry like the baby I am. I just know that I'm going to be the sobbing mom everyone laughs at during each 1st moment and every last milestone and that's okay, I'm fine with the label. I just want my boys to know always how very proud they make me and how blessed I feel being their mom. 

I think about the memories I treasure now, maybe silly little things, mundane in the big picture but precious, no less, that I have of my own mom. Things that she would do or say, gracious to a fault and beautiful in every way... and I just know that all those moments, all those goofy details she used to fret over, well now I'm the one, I am guilty of the same motherly trait's that she passed on to me. Just knowing that I have a part of her with me in that way makes me smile. My mom took care of everyone and everything. She loved so unconditionally that sometime, no, all the time, I wondered how God ever created someone so perfect, without fault (to me) and angelic in almost every way. Boy did I hit the mom lottery :)

So yes, these days are fading but with each one that passes there is a new adventure just ahead around the corner. I'm certain that I will make mistakes, I will likely make many but I will never, not even for a second, take for granted the amazing life that I've been given and that no matter if I'm here for a day or till I'm 100 years old I will never regret any mistake or decision that has brought me to this point. 

Hope

Occasionally the darkness of our past returns and casts shadows on our present. Demons you thought you slayed return with a vengeance and reek havoc on our souls. I am in a period of drought, a rough patch that feels all to familiar. I did something this past week though, I got help. Sometimes the biggest step is taking the hand of those we trust and allowing them to guide us through the storm, to be our beacon of hope. I went to a support group, a place where other Christians like myself are also struggling with life issues, sometimes very personal or even embarrassing problems. It's a place where you feel safe to talk about these things in confidence without feeling judged. I'm so grateful that I made it through the door, that I didn't run and try to escape. I am thankful that I had support and that I didn't feel alone in this journey. I am hopeful that I will get through this and that someday I will look back with confidence and know that my fears are not bigger than my God. I have secretly, through the years battled with an eating disorder. I wrote in my blog about it when I was in my early 20's. It's important that you understand its not so much about weightloss as it is about control. Bulimia doesn't have a size, it knows no boundaries or have a sexual preference. It affects thousands of normal people, just as other eating disorders. It has taken me many years to understand why I binge and purge. I hate the way it makes me feel. I am trying to confidently move forward with my treatment, to get help before it destroys me. I cannot change the past but I can do better in the future. One day at a time, baby steps baby steps to the elevator...

losing

Do you ever wonder why you even try... Intelligent people would learn by experience, move on and remove the toxic influences from their life. Wouldn't they? What's wrong with me then, why do I continually allow certain people the ability to rip my heart into pieces over and over without consequence? I understand that forgiveness is only meant to be a tool of redemption but in this instance it's more of a crutch and a way of manipulating me into accepting an apology that should end with parting of ways but somehow never does.

All that is within me screams foul play, that there really isn't goodness left in this persons heart. I hear this other (tiny me) saying let's be optimistic, give them one more chance and then it's done. All this person needs to say is 2 little words that I only hear on rare occasions "I'm sorry" and it's red light green light all over again on this insane roller coaster. I hate that I'm such a fool, such a push over. There is little help for one who can't help them self.

So it continues on... The cycle. Nothing gained, only lost because every time I allow this to happen I lose a little piece of me, my dignity and self esteem all fallen. No restoration, only fear. Fear of the fall out. I always experience depression after these episodes because yet again I've done the unthinkable. I've allowed myself to be a pawn, someone's personal door mat. The message I'm sending is loud and clear, I'm an easy target so go ahead pick me and why not? What's stopping them.